Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.
Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough.
Then repeat with the other breast.
Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.
Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.”
“That I married you only for your money.”
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."