Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
What did the red light say to the green light?
Don't look I'm changing!
What goes black white black white...?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
The best jokes voted by users
Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
Q: What do you call a guy with a blue penis?A: A tight-fisted wanker.
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?""Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."The rancher's eyes pop wide open.The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?""Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.""Well then, what's the harm?""Go right ahead," says the rancher.The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."The rancher's jaw drops.The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?""Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
"Siri, why am I still single?"
Siri activates front camera.