Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.The first man went down yelling, "Beer!" He landed in a glass of beer.The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade.The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"
I got double pneumonia. Do you guys even know what that is? I didn't. But here's the deal -- see, apparently, pneumonia is when one of your lungs fills up with fluid, and double pneumonia is when God hates you.
Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"Red said, "To grandma's."Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off.""Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling."No, you ain't," said Little Red."What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."
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Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."