• Random jokes
  • My friends -- they're useless. If I have a problem, they don't listen. They give me some stupid cliche expression. Like, I had a bad day. My friend goes, 'Tomorrow is another day.' Oh, thanks. I didn't know that. I was so scared. I see the stores closing, the sun going down -- I thought that was it. You mean there's more?
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    Insults
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  • A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
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    Dark Humor
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  • You know what cigarettes crack me up? The ones they market specifically towards women, like Virginia Slims: long, slim, pretty cigarettes with flowers around the end. Strong enough to kill a man, but made to kill a woman.
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    Doctor
    Men/Women
    Miscellaneous

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  • We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.
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    ethnic
    life

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  • The best jokes voted by users
  • Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
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    Chuck Norris

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  • Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
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    car
    god
    heaven
    life
    math

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  • Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh.
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    Animal
    Miscellaneous
    Gross

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  • Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
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    Animal
    Blue Collar
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  • Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
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    doctor
    god
    marriage
    wife
    work

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  • A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
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    bar
    dirty
    pirate

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  • Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”
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    marriage

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  • Q: What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
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    dirty
    game
    masturbation

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  • Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?" Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white." Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."
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    age
    communication
    dad
    family
    kids

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  • Q: What do you call a guy with a blue penis?A: A tight-fisted wanker.
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    Dirty
    Men/Women
    Nationality
    News & Politics
    Miscellaneous

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