Would you like to visit my home planet? I can offer you countless anal probes and tissue extractions.
Every week, somebody gets out of jail on DNA. Dude did 18 years in jail -- it's crazy -- then they let him out. They said, 'What are you going to do, man?' 'I'm going to go down south and just sit on my mama's porch and breathe fresh air.' I'm like, that's it? Let me tell you something -- if I did 18 years in jail for something I didn't do, when I get out I'm going to do something!
Chuck Norris doesn't use a fire extinguisher to put out fires... he just tells the fire to stop burning.
Q: What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?A: They both lick their paws.
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Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
Q: What do you call a guy with a blue penis?A: A tight-fisted wanker.
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?""Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."The rancher's eyes pop wide open.The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?""Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.""Well then, what's the harm?""Go right ahead," says the rancher.The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."The rancher's jaw drops.The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?""Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”