Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Yo' Mama is so fat, you can spot her on Google Maps.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis.
The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?"
And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?""Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."The rancher's eyes pop wide open.The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?""Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.""Well then, what's the harm?""Go right ahead," says the rancher.The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."The rancher's jaw drops.The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?""Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph.
Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.
How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb? None. Thats what rednecks are for.
I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didn't even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.
Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."