I just don't understand how they get the people to blow themselves up. That's a tough sell. They say, what -- 15 virgins, or something like that, when you get to heaven? That don't work here in America. Give me one good ho here on earth.
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
People think you're an idiot. I don't know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell they're looking at me and they're just waiting for me to say something like, 'What are shoes for?'
My friends from L.A. stop me and say, 'Maria, you already do so much. You make people laugh; it's the greatest gift in the world.' I only do that, like, four minutes a day, if it's going well. Maybe in the off-time, I could sponge bathe the dying or just hose things off a little bit.
Three men were talking about their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes.
I didn't even know she smoked".
The second says "That's nothing.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a penis".