I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
I will do anything for an exit row. If there is a short person in the exit row, I will put drugs on them. I need the exit row.
Folks, you say what you want about the crackheads, but when they're hard up for a fix, they are good workers. This guy raked my entire yard with a fork in 11 minutes.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she wore a red dress, and everyone shouted, "Hey, the Kool-Aid Man!"
Yo' Mama is so ugly, she had to get you drunk to breastfeed.
Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman.
One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.
The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.
Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"
He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."