Besttit Animal funny jokes

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  • An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
    Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
    The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
    The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
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    alcohol
    animal
    bar
    bartender
    beer

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  • An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
    He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. 
    He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
    Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." 
    Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" 
    Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." 
    Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" 
    Boy just laughs and keeps walking. 
    That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. 
    Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. 
    Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
    Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." 
    Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" 
    Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." 
    Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" 
    Boy just laughs and keeps walking. 
    That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. 
    Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. 
    Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 
    Boy says "It's a pussy willow." 
    Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."
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    animal
    old people

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  • A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
    "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
    The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
    As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
    As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
    The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
  • More jokes about ...
    animal
    dog
    life

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  • The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
    I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
    Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
    Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
    He didn't seem disturbed at all.
    (Whew! Got away with that one!).
    Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
    When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
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    alcohol
    animal
    fart
    husband
    time

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  • A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
    He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
    After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
    When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

    A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].”

    The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
    After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
    He’s pretty mad.
    He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
    He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
    When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
    A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”

    Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
    Now he’s really mad.
    He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
    The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
    When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
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    animal
    dirty
    hunting

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  • Blonde 1: Don't tell anyone but Bees scare me.
    Blonde 2: Dont worry, the whole alphabet scares me
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    animal
    blonde

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  • Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
    Kids: Meat!
    Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
    Kids: Bacon!
    Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
    Kid: Homework!
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    animal
    food
    kids
    teacher

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  • Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
    The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
    The pig was killed.
    The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

    About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
    He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
    “What happened?” asked the President.
    “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
    “My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
    The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
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    animal
    car
    celebrity
    death
    political

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  • A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
    Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
    As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
    The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
    His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
    The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
    The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
    Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
    "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
    He just had to save his friend.
    The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
    "Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
    "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
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    animal
    cop
    food
    friendship
    lawyer

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  • Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.
    "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
    The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
    At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
  • More jokes about ...
    animal
    dog
    hunting
    time

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