An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen."No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!""I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."
A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him."Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?""Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life."Well," says the old man, "one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun."The reporter asks for another story."Well," says the old man, "one time my neighbor's pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun."The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can't write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about.The old man says "Well, one time I got lost... ."
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in Texas. One day Trevor rides on his bike into town and he sees a building on fire, so he goes back home and tells his brother, Herman, Herman there is a fire and people are getting burned!His brother says Oh, that was on the radio -- that's old news.So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a bank beeing robbed, so he rides back home and says Herman, Herman there is bank being robbed and people are getting shot and killed!His brother says, Oh that was on the radio -- that's old news.So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a pig stuck in a fence and starts to thinkin'... Then he rides home and says, Herman Herman! I had my first sequal experince today!His brother says, In a pig's ass,And Trevor replies, Oh, you and your stupid radio.
A pheasant says to a bull, "I would love to get on top of that tree, but I haven't the energy.""Well," says the bull, "why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with nutrients."So the pheasant eats some dung and finds that it gives him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he eats some more and gets to the next branch. This cycle continues for a week. Finally, the pheasant is at the top of the tree, where he is spotted by the farmer, who shoots him with a shotgun.Moral of the Story: bullsh*t might take you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again."Mom's weighing the mailman."
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."