All the jokes - accountant

  • Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
    At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
    They all board the train.
    The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
    He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"
    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor takes it and moves on.
    The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.
    So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
    When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
    When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
    The train departs.
    Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
    He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

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  • A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
    The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
    The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
    The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
    “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
    They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
    The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
    “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

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  • Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
    A: They're great with figures.

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  • An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

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  • A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
    He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
    He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
    The first interviewee was a journalist.
    His answer was, "Twenty-two".
    The second was a social worker.
    She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
    The third applicant was an engineer.
    He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
    Next came an attorney.
    He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
    Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
    When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
    Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
    He got the job.

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  • Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
    A: Lazy.

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  • An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's.
    The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.
    "I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."
    The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds."
    The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"

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  • The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job.
    The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.
    "Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
    "Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible."
    The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited.
    "Wow. Are you kidding?"
    "Yeah. But you started it."

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  • "The auditors have just left, sir."
    "Did they check the books?"
    "Very thoroughly."
    "What did they say?"
    "They want 15% to keep quiet."

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  • A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
    He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
    "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
    "How do you mean?" says the accountant.
    "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
    "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
    "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
    "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
    "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

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