As I was exiting my apartment this evening, I saw parked out in front a hybrid Escalade. A hybrid Escalade. Come to terms with that reality. What kind of people are buying a hybrid Escalade? 'Well, you see, I'm an environmentalist. And my husband's a fucking douchebag. And this is how we compromise to keep our sham marriage alive.'
People ask me all the time, 'Todd, when you're on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?' People, I'm a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.
If you live with a woman and she has a job and you do not have a job, when she gets up to go to work, you get up and do something -- anything. Just put some work boots on and sit on the porch until she leaves. Get your old shirt from when you used to work at Taco Bell, say, 'Tony called, says he needs me for the lunch rush.' Make her think you got something to do. Women don't like when you just lay on their couch all day.
That's what happens to you, fellas, once you get married: whatever your profession is, you open up a second business, which is a small shipping service, and your territory is your house, and you're on call 24/7. You just pretty much sit on the couch, waiting for dispatch to let you know it's time to roll.
I was dating this girl; she's like, 'Mike, you look so much like a cop, why don't you just become a cop?' I'm like, 'I respect the police, I just couldn't wear a uniform to work every day.' And she's like, 'Why don't you just become an undercover cop?' I was like, 'Well, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if I look like a cop, chances are I wouldn't be too effective undercover.'
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
The AT&T guy turned into a whiny bitch on the phone. I didn't know what to do. I started acting like it was a break-up. 'I'd like to discontinue my service.' 'What do you mean?' 'I don't want service anymore.' 'Three years means nothing to you?' 'It's not you. It's me. I'm in love with Verizon.'