Best Alcohol funny jokes

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  • There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
    The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
    The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
    The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
    The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
    The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
    The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
    Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
    The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

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  • A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
    The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
    The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing.
    He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
    The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
    The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there.
    He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
    The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
    The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

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  • An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
    The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.
    One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
    When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
    So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
    All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
    But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

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  • An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
    A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.
    Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"
    Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
    The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

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  • A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.
    After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
    She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
    Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
    Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
    She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
    You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

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  • There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
    In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
    The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
    He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
    Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
    He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
    The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
    The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
    Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
    So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
    He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
    The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
    The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to come."

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  • While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
    "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
    "How does it work?"
    "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

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  • Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
    After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. 
    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
    After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
    He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
    He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. 
    At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. 
    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. 
    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
    Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
    "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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  • After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
    The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
    Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
    The bartender gives him one.
    Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
    He gets it.
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
    and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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  • "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
    "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
    "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

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