A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."The bartender says, "Go ahead."So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.""What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs.""Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."
A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman."I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball."I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.""That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?""Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?""Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.""But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."