Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
Put strobe headlights in my car to make the deer run slower.
If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?""Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."The rancher's eyes pop wide open.The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?""Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.""Well then, what's the harm?""Go right ahead," says the rancher.The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."The rancher's jaw drops.The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?""Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"
A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."
I was in Denver, Colorado recently, just walking around the mountains by myself. It's so beautiful to do that, just get in touch with nature and be by yourself. I'm by myself, and a little sound of rustling leaves or something -- I turn around. Ten feet from where I'm standing, there's a family of deer -- just right there. There's a mother, a father, two little baby deer. I thought, 'Oh, I wish I had a gun.'
Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?A: It drove down the lane and turned into a field.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass."No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.