All the jokes - car

  • So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
    One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
    She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
    After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
    "Blue."
    "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
    "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
    When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
    His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

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  • A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
    He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
    The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

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  • An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
    He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
    The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
    The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
    The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
    The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
    You are such a rude class of people.
    Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
    Again he asked, "Please, lady.
    May I sit there?
    I'm very tired."
    The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
    Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
    The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
    The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
    An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
    You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
    You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
    And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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  • A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
    Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
    However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

    One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
    The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
    At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
    The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
    The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
    The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
    The Admiral threw him out also.
    The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
    He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
    The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
    “Do you notice anything different about me?”
    To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
    The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
    The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

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  • Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
    Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
    "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
    If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
    The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
    With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
    The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
    "Then, go to Hell!"
    With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
    The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
    With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
    "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
    The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
    The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
    The Devil did just that.
    The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
    Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
    The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
    "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
    And the idiot went to heaven.

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  • A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
    The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
    The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked.
    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
    "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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  • A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted.
    Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!"
    His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."

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  • A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
    The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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  • A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.
    As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
    “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
    “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
    The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

    Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
    father.
    “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
    “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
    “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

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  • A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
    He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. 
    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." 
    The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." 

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
    He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 
    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." 
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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