All the jokes - customer service

  • Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    "...Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    "... Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle – it's because it's dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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  • Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
    "What denomination?" asks the postal clerk.
    Mary thinks a second before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

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  • The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
    "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
    There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

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  • Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."
    Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
    Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

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  • At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
    "Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
    So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."

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  • An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.
    He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.
    The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
    The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.
    Once again the customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
    The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat.
    "What's wrong with you?" they ask.
    The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
    The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"
    The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

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  • The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
    "What is it?" she asked.
    "Stephen, with a P-H," I said.
    Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?"

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  • A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
    Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
    Lady: I can't see your computer...
    Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
    Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
    Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
    Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

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  • When I arrived at a hotel in order to fill in my identities I noticed the word "sex" so I wrote: YES PLEASE.

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  • If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?

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