On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind -- especially Dead Tony.
Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head.
I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats. I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. One night I was walking home really late, I walked past this huge pile of garbage. And inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. I was so frightened, my only thought was, 'Oh my god, I hope that's a baby. Please be a toddler in that bag.' That's how much I hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone."Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried."We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish.""Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?A: Half a cat.
Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.