Besttit Dark funny jokes

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  • I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.
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  • I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
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  • Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?A: "Is that you coughin'?"
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  • I'd like to die while making love -- that'd be great -- but after the orgasm. It'd be terrible to die before the orgasm. I'd be up in heaven; people would be pointing at me: 'She looks so tense. Someone should send her back for, like, an hour.'
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  • If life expectancy is 75 and you kill a 74-year-old, you only have to spend one year in prison. If life expectancy is 75 and you kill an 80-year-old, five years credit.
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  • A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.The e-mail reads:Dearest Wife,Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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  • I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with. But that's why I don't make jokes during sex -- 'cause I think of stuff that I think would be funny all the time. But I just don't say it 'cause I don't want to be killed.
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  • Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.
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  • They all think they're in a gang -- in New Hampshire. They're hanging out at the mall as if that were their 'hood. I'm like, 'Dude, you live in New Hampshire. How tough are you? Your 'hood is a cul-de-sac between Happy Lane and Pleasant Street, pal. You and your homeboys are cruising for bitches in the backseat of mom's minivan.'
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  • I don't understand -- what are fans doing fighting athletes? What don't you understand about the word 'athlete'? These are human machines. I say -- fight the referee, fight the ball boy.
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