Best Dirty funny jokes

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  • A dick has a sad life.
    His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
  • More jokes about ...
    dirty
    family
    life
    sex

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  • Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
    Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
    She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
    He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
    “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
    She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
    Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
    another.
    As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
    Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
    She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
    “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
  • More jokes about ...
    age
    dirty
    health
    love
    marriage

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  • A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
    She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
    Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
    At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
    Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
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    dirty

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  • Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
    She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
    She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
    She says, “A hundred dollars.”
    He says, “All I got is thirty”.
    She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
    “A hand job”, Harry reply.
    She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
    He agrees.
    She gets in the car.
    He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
    She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
  • More jokes about ...
    dirty
    money
    wife

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  • Three women were debating about how wide their pussy are.
    The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy."
    The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
    It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her pussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."
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    communication
    dirty
    sex
    women

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  • A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
    The bartender replies "$1".
    The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
    "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
    The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
    The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
    The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
    The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
  • More jokes about ...
    bar
    bartender
    beer
    business
    dirty

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  • Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
    "Not yet," said Little Johnny.
    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
    Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
    He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
    Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
  • More jokes about ...
    dirty

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  • Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
    Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
    Guy: Do they swell?
    Girl: No. They spread.
  • More jokes about ...
    alcohol
    dirty

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  • Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
    Girl: No.
    Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
    Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?
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    dirty

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  • A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
    "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
    The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
    The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
    The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
    The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
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