Best Doctor funny jokes

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  • A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
    "You all have obsessions," he observed.
    To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
    You've even named your daughter Candy."
    He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
    At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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  • A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
    “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

    When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
    “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
    “Did you follow my instructions?”
    The blonde nods…
    “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
    “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
    “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
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  • Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
    After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
    The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
    "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
    So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
    That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
    "Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
    "Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"
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  • Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
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  • An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
    "I've never been better!" he boasted.
    "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
    The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
    The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
    Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
    The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
    "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
    "Someone else must of shot the bear."
    "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
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  • A woman went to her doctor's office.
    She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
    He had her sit down and relax in another room.
    The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
    "What's the matter with you?
    Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
    The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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  • Doctor: "You look exhausted."
    Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
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  • “Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
    “Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
    “But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
    “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
    “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
    “Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”
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  • An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
    The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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  • A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
    Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
    Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
    "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
    He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
    I'll take care of expenses."
    Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
    Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
    The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
    Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
    attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
    The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
    He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
    So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
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