Best Fish funny jokes

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  • Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
    Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
    "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
    The neighbor was concerned:
    "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
    "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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  • Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
    He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "
    Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks
    "Where did you get this?"
    The guy replies "
    Oh I have a personal genie"
    The first man asks
    "Can i make a wish? "
    Sure says the other man
    "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
    "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says "
    I want a Million Bucks "
    The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other "
    Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
    The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

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  • Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

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  • A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
    Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
    When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
    Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
    So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
    So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
    So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
    “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
    So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

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  • There was this man who had a dog.
    Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
    One day, the man fell in love and got married.
    After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
    "Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
    "And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
    "Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
    With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
    "God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
    In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
    It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
    She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
    She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
    "Have you made your decision?" he asked
    "Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
    True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
    "By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
    "I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

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  • How does an LA policeman go fishing?
    He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

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  • Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
    A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
    “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
    “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
    “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
    “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.”
    And with that, he left.
    As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
    “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

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  • Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip.
    They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
    I mean they spend a fortune!
    The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
    The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
    It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
    As they're driving home they're really depressed.
    One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
    The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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  • One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
    He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
    Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

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  • Chuck Norris is the only person able beat a fish at holding his breath under water.

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