All the jokes - fitness

  • At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
    One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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  • Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
    Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
    Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

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  • I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me,
    "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."
    I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

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  • Strong people don't put other people down.
    They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.

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  • When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.

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  • A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
    I called several hotels, with no luck.
    Finally, I thought I had found one.
    I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
    "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

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  • What do you do for exercise?
    I lift weights.
    What do you do for cardio?
    I lift weights faster.

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  • An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
    The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
    "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up
    and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
    “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
    ”Who said my Dad’s dead?”
    The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
    “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach
    for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
    “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he
    died?”
    ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
    Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
    “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with
    you this morning too?”
    “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
    ”Who said he wanted to?”

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  • I do two hours of cardio every day.
    But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

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  • Q: How do Columbians develop muscle?
    A: By pushing drugs.

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