All the jokes -

Jokes about: Food

  • Cross the Road... Fat Turkey
  • Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road?

    A: To get hit by my car.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Pregnant Dairy Queen
  • A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Lick
  • Can I lick your bowl?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Butcher Booty Call... Sausage
  • Want a taste of my hanging sausage?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Meat
  • My meat is Grade A.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Marinate
  • Can I marinate in your juices?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Meat
  • If this place is a meat market, you are the prime rib.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Food
  • Want to grab something to eat? I know this serf who makes the most amazing gruel.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Boil
  • I can bring you to a full boil!

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Crudite
  • We can get as crudite as you want, baby.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Raisins
  • Do you have any raisins? How about a date?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Cream
  • I need your help making a cream sauce.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Donkey-Onion Hybrid
  • A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Panda Booty Call... Eat
  • You eat bamboo, right?

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Doctor

  • Skeleton
  • What did the skeleton say before it ate?

    "Bone-appetit."

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Wendy Liebman: Running When Necessary
  • I go running when I have to -- like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Nick DiPaolo: Keeping the Weight Down
  • You want to keep your weight down? Do what I do and get food poisoning three times a year.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Marley: Failing the Atkins Diet
  • I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I was backed up like the mall parking lot at Christmas time.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
  • Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.Walter: She?s getting old.Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.Walter: She?s aging like milk.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Cucumber
  • I can teach you how to handle a cucumber.

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    Jokes about: Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Under the Apron
  • Q: What does the baker have under his apron?

    A: Dough nuts.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Two pretzels walk into a bar and one is ...
  • Two pretzels walk into a bar and one is assaulted.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Rooster and Lollipop
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a lollipop?

    A: A c**ksucker.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Fly, Soup, the Usual
  • After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, "It looks like the breaststroke, sir."

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Oops Banana
  • A: A pair of slippers.

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    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat
  • Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tofu & Dildos
  • A: They are both meat substitutes.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Ants Dancing
  • A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Meets Cheerios
  • A: "Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Eating Cake Lately?
  • Have you been eating cake lately? You look a little crumby.

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    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Irish Eats Italian
  • Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

    A: Gaelic breath.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Cheese
  • A: Nacho cheese.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Animal Rotation
  • A: A rotisserie chicken.

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    Jokes about: Food, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Ronald McDonald in a Nudist Colony
  • Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

    A: Look for sesame seed buns.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Jonah Ray: Facebook Foodie
  • Quick tip: posting pictures on Facebook of food does not make you a foodie; it makes you unfriendable on Facebook.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde in a Library
  • The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Temperature
  • Can I take your temperature with my meat thermometer?

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    Jokes about: Food, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Daniel Tosh: Who Sinned First
  • If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Beer Nuts vs. Deer Nuts
  • A: Beer nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck.

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    Jokes about: Food, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Denis Leary: Resuming Air Travel
  • Iran, Egypt to resume air travel after 31-year freeze. Flight attendants will offer you a choice of beef, chicken or enriched uranium.

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    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Bill Santiago: Puerto Rican Food
  • Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up -- I swear to you -- thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Empty Cheez Whiz
  • A: Cheez Whuz.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Sheik That Rooster
  • A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.

    The rooster proceeds to eats three baske

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Funny Apple
  • A: "I despise you for being different from me."

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    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Mitch Hedberg: Butter vs. Margarine
  • Because of acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullsh*t.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Muffin Chat
  • "Oh my God! A talking muffin!"

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Toast
  • I noticed your toast points from across the room.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Perkins: Not Going Dutch
  • The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • What do you get when you divide ...
  • What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

    Pumpkin Pi!

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Dead in His Cornflakes
  • The police thought it was a cereal killer.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Bell Tower
  • A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.

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    Jokes about: Food, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • John Oliver: New Boston Tea Party
  • I took a tip from your history books, and the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Surrealists & Light Bulbs
  • A: Banana.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Nick Kroll: Cheesecake Factory
  • Who here thinks that we should change the name of the Cheesecake Factory to the Diarrhea Refinery?

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • A 70s Cookie Band
  • A: OREO Speedwagon.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Blonde Waitress Warmer
  • The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Frank Prinzi: Love Grape Nuts
  • My favorite cold cereal is the Grape Nuts. I love Grape Nuts -- except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Harland Williams: No Airbag
  • I got no airbag in my old hunk of junk, so this is what I did: I went over to Dunkin Donuts. I bought a great big, puffy, jelly donut. I stuck it to my steering wheel. Some idiot hit me from behind, my head goes forward -- he thinks my head blew up.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Regan: Serving Size
  • I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Natasha Leggero: Sex With a Prostitute
  • Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Orange
  • A: It ran out of juice.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • A Happy Meal
  • A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Robin Montague: Backwards in Hollywood
  • People are so backwards in Hollywood. Like, they take drugs right out in the open, but they eat in the closet.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Sausage Roll
  • Q: How do you make a sausage roll?

    A: Push it!

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    Jokes about: Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Oppressive Potato
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

    A: A dic-tater.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Kevin Meaney: Thanksgiving Turkey
  • Last year, the turkey weighed 185 pounds. It had a tattoo.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Sebastian Maniscalco: Sushi Dinner Date
  • Chicken, salad, steak -- I know what that goes for. A dynamite roll -- I have no idea what the hell that is.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Being Overeager with Frozen Drinks and Marriage
  • Walter: Marriage to me is like drinking a frozen drink. The first couple of sips is like ?Boy, this is really good, I?m glad I did this?. And you keep drinking and then you have too much and all of a sudden you?re like ?Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh my head! The hel

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    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Fabrice Fabrice: Fried Chicken
  • You know who likes fried chicken is black people. You know who else likes fried chicken? Everybody.

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    Jokes about: Food, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dan Devido: Joe Franklin Sandwich
  • I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Peanut Butter Rooster
  • A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • John Ridley: Indian Restaurants
  • I never even thought about going to an Indian restaurant for dinner because, as far as I know, there is no food in India. So, why bother, really? What are they going to do -- bring your meal to you in a little box from Unicef?

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • One-Legged People
  • A: IHOP.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • The Mystery of the Thermos
  • "Well," the old man responded, "when you put something hot in it, it keeps it hot. When you put something cold in it, it keeps it cold... HOW DOES IT KNOW?"

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • Chef Clown
  • A: The food tastes funny.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Harland Williams: Stuffing the Mattress
  • Did you ever stuff your mattress full of Rice Krispies and then piss the bed? Snap, crackle, pop -- all night long.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • JB Smoove: Bad Chicken
  • You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & Pizza
  • She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Beans & Onions
  • A: Tear gas.

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    Jokes about: Food

  • Ben Kronberg: How I Like My Coffee
  • I like my coffee like I like my slaves -- free.

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    Jokes about: Food, Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Carr: Sense of Taste
  • If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Bob Nickman: Sizzler Cheater
  • Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Demetri Martin: Fruit Baskets
  • I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Rene Hicks: Celibates and Vegetarians
  • We do have something in common in that tonight neither one of us will be having meat.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Sous Chef
  • Mind if my sous chef watches?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Lips
  • Mmmmm... your lips taste like salted fish.

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