Besttit God funny jokes

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  • Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
    The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
    The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
    The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
    The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
    The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"
    She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God…'"
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  • When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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    life
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  • Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter.
    He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
    The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *poof!* she’s gone.
    The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she’s gone.
    The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
    St. Peter looks perplexed.
    "Who?" he says.
    "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
    St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
    He reads the paper and starts laughing.
    He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"
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  • At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.
    "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:
    I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night.
    The speaker was a missionary who told about his work.
    I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all.
    So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God.
    I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

    As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story.
    But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
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  • A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
    The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
    He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
    The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
    He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
    The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
    On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
    Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".
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  • In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
    In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
    Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
    The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
    His hopes were dim.
    Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
    The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
    Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
    Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
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  • A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
    The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
    When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
    "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
    Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
    The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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  • An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
    He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
    A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?"
    The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
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  • A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.
    Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
    Just look at our cars.
    There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
    This must be a sign from God!"
    Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
    The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
    This must surely be a sign from God!"
    The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
    Here's another miracle!
    My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
    Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
    The priest nods in agreement.
    The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
    The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
    The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
    The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
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  • A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
    The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
    The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
    The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
    The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
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