All the jokes - history

  • In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
    Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
    "Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was,
    'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
    "So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
    "Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
    "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
    Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
    "Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
    "Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
    "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
    Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

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  • The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

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  • Who's the biggest prostitute in history?
    Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

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  • Nate: Why was school easier for cave people?
    Kate: Why?
    Nate: Because there was no history to study!

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  • Elderly Man: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic."
    Priest: "I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war."
    Elderly Man: "I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed."
    Priest: "That's not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive."
    Elderly Man: "Should I tell him the war is over?"

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  • Police Officer says "We'll never forget 9/11..."
    In my mind: "I hope not It's your damn number!"

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  • Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history?
    Hitler.

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  • A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
    A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
    The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature."
    The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.
    "What else do you have?" asks the student.
    "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
    The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
    Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?"
    The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.
    "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
    The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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  • To finally solve whether Mona-Lisa is smiling or not, Chuck Norris took a quick look at it.
    She's crying

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  • Q: What was the world's first palindrome?
    A: Madam, I'm Adam.

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