All the jokes - husband

  • A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
    She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
    He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door in disgust.
    The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door again.
    Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
    The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
    The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
    question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    "Yes I do." says the lady.
    The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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  • A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."

    Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
    She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
    Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
    Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
    "And so, here we are!"

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  • A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
    Man: What's the problem officer?
    Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
    Man: No sir, I was going 65.
    Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
    Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
    Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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  • A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
    The husband said, "No sweetie."
    The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
    So the man said, "Okay, I would"
    Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
    And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
    Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
    And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

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  • A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
    The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
    The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked.
    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
    "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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  • While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
    His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
    Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
    "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
    Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
    She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
    Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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  • A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
    The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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  • At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
    At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
    The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
    Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

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  • A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
    As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
    He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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  • A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
    "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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