I love my parents, but they're bummed I'm doing stand-up comedy. My dad came to this country so I could be a doctor or lawyer, not this. My dad didn't wake up one day, 'Let's see, doctor, lawyer or clown. I don't know! Maybe clown.' And he's honest -- he gets drunk, 'You not funny. Oh no, you not funny! I have a joke for you: Knock, knock.' Who's there, Dad? 'You not funny!'
When you're a kid nobody tells you that when you grow up you're going to have to work every day of your life. No one tells you that. When I was a kid I couldn't wait to grow up and be an adult. Now that I'm adult I can't wait to die.
My parents told me they were going to sell me to the gypsies. Oh, thanks, like, 'If you don't do your homework, we're going to sell you to the gypsies. If you don't eat all your food, we're going to sell you to the gypsies.' What sort of terrible business are the gypsies running when they're taking malnourished dumb kids?
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins.""What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets.""That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
The worst day at my job is better than the best day at most. But my father -- I remember, man, I called him at work and told him I had a TV show -- he quit his job that day. 'Daddy, I got a TV show.' 'Well, that's it for me, damn y'all.' I said, 'Who gonna pay your bills?' 'Uh, you.' It wouldn't be so bad, but he wants the same stuff I get. I get a new car, 'Uh, hey, son -- when am I gonna get a new car?' 'When you learn how to tell some g**damn jokes.'
He's got all kinds of advice about show biz. He says, 'It's just like sales. You gotta make your opportunities. You gotta take your opportunities. You remember what Jesus said? You give a man a fish, that man knows where to come for fish. You teach a man to fish, and you just destroyed your market base.'
My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.' 'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she was a kid, they fed her with a slingshot.