All the jokes -

Jokes about: Marriage

  • Robert Hawkins: Baton Rouge
  • Baton Rouge has -- hands-down -- the hottest, sweetest, youngest women with four kids anywhere in the country.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Married Tennessee Football Player
  • Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

    A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Divorce
  • A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Clearly Cheating
  • At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dead Again
  • As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Banister
  • She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: Fantasy Life
  • I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: After Intercourse
  • She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jonathan Katz: No Experience
  • I was a late bloomer with women. Before I met my wife, I had virtually no experience. I remember on our wedding night, I tried to inflate her.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • David Feldman: Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal
  • I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Beyond Impotent
  • She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nick DiPaolo: Nine-Inch Black Dildo
  • I thought she stole a peppermill from a steak house.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Oschack: Masturbation Is a Biological Necessity
  • I tried to stop the first day or two of our marriage, and I promise you, my nuts ballooned quicker than Oprah in a Krispy Kreme.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, God, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Amish Friends
  • I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Dave Mordal: Workaholism
  • Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Intimate Health
  • I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Only Child Ex-Girlfriend
  • She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Divorce & Circumcision
  • A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jessi Klein: Before Marriage
  • I would like to get married before I get herpes.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
  • Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.Walter: She?s getting old.Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.Walter: She?s aging like milk.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Perkins: Not Going Dutch
  • The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Sebastian Maniscalco: Sushi Dinner Date
  • Chicken, salad, steak -- I know what that goes for. A dynamite roll -- I have no idea what the hell that is.

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Being Overeager with Frozen Drinks and Marriage
  • Walter: Marriage to me is like drinking a frozen drink. The first couple of sips is like ?Boy, this is really good, I?m glad I did this?. And you keep drinking and then you have too much and all of a sudden you?re like ?Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh my head! The hel

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    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • JB Smoove: Bad Chicken
  • You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Bob Nickman: Sizzler Cheater
  • Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Judah Friedlander: Broke Up With My Boyfriend
  • I broke up today with my boyfriend. Well, neither of us were gay. We were just doing it to upset our parents -- and the Christian Right.

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    Jokes about: God, Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: Catholic Mom, Jewish Dad
  • My husband is Jewish. I know -- a Catholic and a Jew, right? Our kids are gonna be cashews.

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    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: WWJD in a Spousal Argument
  • Walter: Well, my mother always told me ?When you?re in a jam and don?t know what to do, you should think: what would Jesus do???So I tried to turn her into a fish. I stood there going ?Be gone, Satan! Hello, Shamu?. Well, at least Shamu only has one blowh

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    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • J.J. Wall: Sexy Multiple Wife Thing
  • When I was younger, I actually thought the Mormons were kind of a cool religion because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it was pretty sexy, multiple wives, and then I got married, and I realized that one wife is certainly enough for any man.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Sheng Wang: Central Park Carriage Rides
  • Few things make your park experience more romantic than returning to a simpler time when people were totally cool with the smell of horsesh*t wafting by.

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    Jokes about: Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Woman Without an A**hole
  • Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?

    A: Divorced.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Daughters in a Divorce
  • I got two daughters, and I was divorced when they were young. They were, like, four and two, and they took it tough because I told them it was their fault.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Eddie Sarfaty: Confused in High School
  • I had this girlfriend in high school, and we had sex, and at first I thought that was kind of hot... but I knew there was something wrong. I was kind of confused, so I went to see my guidance counselor, and the sex with him was so much better.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Kiley: Pregnant Wife
  • When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • West Virginia Custody Battle
  • An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

    The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the s

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Rhodes: Arguing Parents
  • My parents are divorced. It was ugly. My parents argued all the time before they got divorced. Came home -- my parents started wearing their wedding rings on their middle fingers.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Nardizzi: The Four Kids and a Wife
  • I got the four kids and a wife, which is five more than I wanted.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Royale Watkins: Do You Like Kids?
  • If a young girl asks you if you like kids, she is curious. Older woman asks you if you like kids, you know what that really means? She has some kids!

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Mark Roberts: Disappointed Women
  • When I got married, I disappointed a lot of women. Now I can pretty much concentrate on disappointing just the one.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dov Davidoff: If Every Other Guy Were Gay
  • I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Hauntings at Married Men?s Houses
  • Jeff Dunham and WalterWalter: I think my house is haunted.Jeff Dunham: Why do you think that?Walter: My wife is there

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Perception of Marriage
  • Walter: Heh, remember when you said ?Til death do us part? ?Jeff Dunham: Yeah?Walter: Later, you realize you were actually setting a goal.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Adam Ferrara: Love This Girl
  • The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Karen Anderson: Best Day Ever
  • I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend -- with my car.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Laurie Kilmartin: Immigrant Boyfriend
  • Nothing helps you win an argument like having the INS on speed-dial.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Earthquake: O.J. Messed It Up
  • I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Rhodes: Love Is Powerful Stuff
  • Love is powerful stuff, man. Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your sh*t -- just to get away from that person.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Three Rings
  • Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

    A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Robin Montague: Talk Too Much
  • My man tried to leave me for talking too much, but I talked him out of it.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Johnny Lampert: Like the Day We Met
  • My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met -- like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Marriage Counseling
  • I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man
  • My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.

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    Jokes about: Marriage

  • Set It Free
  • If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dan St. Germain: Video Game Nuptials
  • A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Cathy Ladman: The Problem With Marriage
  • The problem with marriage is it involves men and women.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: On Same-Sex Marriage Protestors
  • If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Laura Kightlinger: Special Guy
  • I have a man in my life. He is so special. This guy -- he kisses me before we do it.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tracy Smith: Shaving for a Hot Date
  • I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so stupid. I look like a great big naked baby.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Marriage, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Staggering Husband
  • Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

    A: Shoot him again.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dan Devido: Really Safe Sex
  • We practice safe sex. We practice really safe sex. The other night during sex, we had a fire drill.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Octopus Love
  • A: "I want to hold your hand. Er, hands."

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: Anything to Make Him Happy
  • I would do anything to make my husband happy -- anything to make him happy -- except cook or clean or shut the f**k up.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Sue Kolinsky: Changes in Dating
  • Far cry from when our parents got married, huh?... Probably the first time they had sex was on their honeymoon. Boy, times have changed. Not only have I had sex with my boyfriend, so have some of my girlfriends.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • John Heffron: Want to Get Married
  • I kind of wanted to get married to get my first marriage out of the way.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Wedding Day Bliss
  • A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

    The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."


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    Jokes about: Blonde, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Burn
  • She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Teddy Carpenter: My Type of Woman in a Bed
  • I want me a big black girl.... type of woman that lies in the bed, looks like a big old hole in the sheets.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dumped by His Girlfriend
  • A: He was nuts over her.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Women and Bad Weather
  • Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

    A: They all get the house.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tony Stone: Married Once
  • I was married at one time -- which is not the same as having sex, but an incredible simulation.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dana Gould: M.A.N.D.Y.
  • I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jake Johannsen: If Love Was Easy
  • If love was easy, there would be almost no music.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Benson: Recent Break Up
  • Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Lampanelli: Italian Husband
  • He is the prototypical Italian. He is so Italian, when he gave me my ring, it still had a finger in it.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Gina Brillon: Already Have a Boyfriend
  • I actually have a boyfriend now -- sorry, ladies.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Maria Bamford: Just a Really Nice Guy
  • I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, like, a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Ajai Sanders: Dating Those Black Men
  • I thought I was real racist because I was liking those black men -- so black that if you looked at a picture of them, it looks like a negative.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • $100 Bill Tattoo
  • He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Frosty Divorce
  • A: He thought his wife was a flake.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Scream & Groan
  • A: Let her catch you doing it.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Geoff Keith: Three Requirements
  • I only have three requirements when it comes to girls. Ready? One: are you a girl? Have you always been a girl? And, if not, can you keep a secret?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Stanhope: Sex Is a Narrow Avenue
  • Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Oschack: Dabbling in Marriage
  • Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Williams: Living Next to White People
  • Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • T. Sean Shannon: Mutual Decision
  • We were dating two years. We broke up. It was a mutual decision. Her and all her friends got together -- they took a little vote.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Amy Schumer: Dating a Deaf Guy
  • We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Royale Watkins: Fifth Anniversary
  • Last night, my wife and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. You know what five years is? Just long enough for me to think this one might not work out.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nathan Trenholm: One Night Stand
  • Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Stilson: Secret to a Successful Marriage
  • I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Patton Oswalt: Women Like Coffee
  • I love women, I really do. I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Marc Maron: Married Once Before
  • I was married once before, and I stopped.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Behrendt: Reasoning With the Girlfriend
  • I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Kevin Kataoka: Good Old Days
  • Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Date Night Driving Arrangements
  • She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone -- logistical nightmare.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dave Attell: Never Get Girls in the Movies
  • Guys like me never get girls in the movies, right? You never see a guy like me with a girl. Alright -- we get them, and then somebody unties them.

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    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Myq Kaplan: Jewish Divorce Custom
  • My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Wanda Sykes: Tolls
  • Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah -- he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Williams: Wish I Was Black
  • I wish I was black -- that way I could start dating you white girls again.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bill Dwyer: Circuit City Sex
  • When it comes to sex, I like to refer to my wife as Circuit City because she has no interest until January of next year.

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