I was dating this girl; she's like, 'Mike, you look so much like a cop, why don't you just become a cop?' I'm like, 'I respect the police, I just couldn't wear a uniform to work every day.' And she's like, 'Why don't you just become an undercover cop?' I was like, 'Well, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if I look like a cop, chances are I wouldn't be too effective undercover.'
I'm getting married to a very successful car salesman. I'm so excited. I know you've been staring at my ring. Isn't it fabulous? He sold it to me.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
The AT&T guy turned into a whiny bitch on the phone. I didn't know what to do. I started acting like it was a break-up. 'I'd like to discontinue my service.' 'What do you mean?' 'I don't want service anymore.' 'Three years means nothing to you?' 'It's not you. It's me. I'm in love with Verizon.'