Best Masturbation funny jokes

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  • When a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.
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  • While talking to girl:
    "Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
    "No, what?"
    "Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
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  • Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
    A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
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  • Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind.
    Son: Dad im over here.
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  • A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
    "You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
    "Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
    The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."
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  • Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."
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  • This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
    He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
    When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
    So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
    So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
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  • A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
    She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
    One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
    The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
    One of the other businessmen replies:
    "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
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  • A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone.
    So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
    After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help.
    The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k."
    "How does it work?" asked the businessman.
    The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door."
    The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
    "Fantastic," said the man.
    "I'll take it!"
    He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip.
    Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y."
    The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm.
    But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop.
    So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police.
    The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
    The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."
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  • Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
    A: They are both meat substitutes.
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