All the jokes - mean

  • Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
    After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
    "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
    First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
    Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
    Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."

    The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
    "What did the doctor say?" he asked.
    "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

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  • Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.
    "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."
    "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"
    "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

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  • Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
    Me: "Drunk"
    Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
    Me: "Mad"

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  • "I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."
    "Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"
    "Scissors," I replied.

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  • Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

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  • There are two essential rules to management.
    First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.

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  • My ex-girlfriend loves the heat.
    She has a nostalgia for hell.

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  • I am a marvelous housekeeper.
    Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

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  • On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
    "Give me a couple of steaks," he says.
    "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher.
    "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"

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  • Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"
    Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"

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