Best Mean funny jokes

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  • Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
    After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
    "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
    First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
    Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
    Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."

    The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
    "What did the doctor say?" he asked.
    "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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    doctor
    husband
    marriage
    mean
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  • Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.
    "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."
    "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"
    "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
  • More jokes about ...
    mean
    music
    time
    wife
    women

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  • Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
    Me: "Drunk"
    Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
    Me: "Mad"
  • More jokes about ...
    dad
    drunk
    family
    Halloween
    mean

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  • "I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."
    "Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"
    "Scissors," I replied.
  • More jokes about ...
    communication
    mean
    relationship
    wine

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  • Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
  • More jokes about ...
    management
    mean
    work

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  • There are two essential rules to management.
    First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.
  • More jokes about ...
    customer service
    management
    mean

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  • My ex-girlfriend loves the heat.
    She has a nostalgia for hell.
  • More jokes about ...
    love
    mean
    relationship

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  • I am a marvelous housekeeper.
    Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  • More jokes about ...
    divorce
    mean
    men
    money
    women

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  • On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
    "Give me a couple of steaks," he says.
    "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher.
    "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
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    communication
    food
    hunting
    marriage
    mean

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  • Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"
    Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
  • More jokes about ...
    holiday
    marriage
    mean
    women

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