Best Memory funny jokes

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  • An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

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  • An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
    Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
    When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
    "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
    "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
    "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
    He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
    She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

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  • When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.
    I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.
    She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
    I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
    He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”
    I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
    He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”
    I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
    He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

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  • When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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  • Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
    The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
    They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
    "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
    "Not very likely," his wife said.
    "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

    He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
    With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
    With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
    He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
    "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
    The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

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  • A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization.
    He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
    A few months later she got pregnant.
    She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile."
    As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...
    She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
    Finally they insisted on seeing him.
    She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
    The women were puzzled.
    And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."

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  • My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
    I'm still employed.
    I just can't remember where.

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  • Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
    Friend: "What did he do?"
    Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

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  • A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
    He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
    The audience was in silence and shock.
    The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
    Laughter and applause.

    A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
    He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
    He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
    The wife went red with shock and rage.
    Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

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  • A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid."
    "Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
    The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. "I can never remember the name."

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