All the jokes - miscellaneous

  • A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

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  • A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

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  • Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot.

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  • A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?""Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."

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  • Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

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  • Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack."Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

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  • Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'

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  • An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phoneto ring.Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing andmoaning.

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  • They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'

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  • Q: What has more lives than a cat?A: A frog -- it croaks every night.

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