All the jokes -

Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Demetri Martin: Mobile Home
  • A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Three Dumb Hunters
  • So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bow-Legged Cowgirls
  • Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?

    A: Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ba Ba Black Sheep
  • "Baaaaa..."

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
  • Love, Ma

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • How to Circumcise a Redneck
  • Kick his sister in the chin!

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • The Clever Farmer
  • A: He wanted mashed potatoes.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Grocrey
  • If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Farmers and Goats
  • Q: Why do farmers bang goats on the edge of cliffs?

    A: So the goats will push back.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Salesman/Farmhouse v. 6.0
  • She assumes the salesman's identity and meets all of his quotas.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • What drug was the duck on...
  • Qwack!

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Dog
  • Mind if my hunting dog watches?

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Thief
  • A: "Six-finger discount!"

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Football Fan To The Rescue
  • The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Pretty Woman in West Virginia
  • What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?

    A tourist.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • The Toothbrush Salesman
  • "It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Okie Jokie
  • A: Carry-Oakies

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Blue Collar, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
  • The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Arkansas Fertility
  • Q: Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

    A: Sooner or later, they find a potent cousin.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Country Politics
  • A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

    The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few da

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Hillbilly Chicks and Bears
  • Q: What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?

    A: They both lick their paws.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Attention-Seeking Redneck
  • What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Engines
  • Gentlemen, start your engines!

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Elvis
  • Can I come over and see your Velvet Elvis?

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Obviously, She Never Flossed
  • "How could you possible have teeth down there?" he says, "Look at the shape your gums are in."

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Yankees and the Lightbulb
  • How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb?

    None. Thats what rednecks are for.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Hog
  • Care to worm my hog?

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Blue Collar, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Two brunettes and a blonde...
  • And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Larry the Cable Guy: Tina Turner Concert
  • The Tina Turner concert in Texas got cancelled. You know why? Hurricane Ike.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • My First Sexual Experience
  • And Trevor replies, “Oh, you and your stupid radio.”

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Pointlessness of NASCAR
  • Sweet Daddy Dee: NASCAR, that?s another dumbass, cracker sport.Jeff Dunham: NASCAR is a very popular ---Sweet Daddy Dee: I know that. I just don?t get it. What, a grown, white man going 500 miles in a circle? What the hell? What kind of three and a half h

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Busy Redneck
  • Q: What do you call a redneck with a pig under one arm and a sheep under the other?

    A: Bisexual.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • You Might Be In A Redneck Hotel
  • And they say, "Go ahead!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Married Tennessee Football Player
  • Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

    A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Cow or Tractor
  • If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Birth Control... Cherrybomb
  • So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. '1...2...3...4...5...' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. '6...7...8...9...'

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd...
  • Their last big hit was The Wall.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • For my next trick...
  • A: It drove down the lane and turned into a field.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Inseminating Redneck Girls
  • Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Divorce
  • A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Traveling Salesman in West Virginia
  • "Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Cow Pat Lip Gloss
  • "Nope, but it keeps me from lickinem."

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Blue Collar

  • The Butcher
  • If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes, and a waist size of 38, what does he weigh?

    Meat.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ark-N-Saw
  • A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
    When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • City Girls and Country Boys
  • “Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!”

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Monster Mystery
  • A redneck bar on Friday night

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Recycling
  • A: Salad bowls

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Louisiana Heritage
  • 28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumboweather.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Teeth
  • The fewer teeth you have, the better I like it!

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Blue Collar

  • Corny
  • A: A field of corn.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Fifty Cent Piece
  • What did the redneck do with his his first fifty-cent piece?

    He married her.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Sheepish
  • A pimp!

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Visitor?
  • All your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Safe Sex for Rednecks
  • A. They mark the sheep that kick!

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Food for the Hungry
  • "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Marriage
  • How can you tell if a redneck is married?
    There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • West Virgin-ia
  • How can you tell if a West Virginia girl is a virgin?

    If she can run faster that her brothers.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Louis, The French Fighter Pilot
  • Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with his mistress naked in bed. As he was kissing her red, red lips, he stopped.
    "To kiss your red lips, I need red wine." So he poured red wine over her lips and continued to kiss her. He moved on to her white,

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • West Virginian Women
  • What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?

    A full set of teeth.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • A Perfect Circle
  • A: A Protractor

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • The Proud Redneck
  • He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Money, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Trailer
  • A tornado knocked down my trailer. Can I go home with you?

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Ngaio Bealum: Love Rednecks
  • I love rednecks. I have a heart of a redneck -- in a jar.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Mole Removal
  • Did you hear about the redneck who went to the hospital to have a mole removed from his d*ck?

    He swore off sex with them creatures forever.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Watermelon
  • So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the cor

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Choking Victim
  • While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a lady turning blue.

    The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady. He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no. "Can

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bubba
  • The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Monks Made a Mistake
  • "Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • 132 legs and 8 teeth
  • A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Lightbulb... Rednecks
  • Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Rusted Truck
  • You might be a redneck if you drive a rusted out pickup, with a chrome balespike.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Cross the Road, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Cross the Road... Blind Blonde
  • Q: Why did the blind blonde cross the road?

    A: She was following her seeing-eye chicken.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Cross the Road, Miscellaneous

  • Cross the Road... Little Cow
  • Q: Why did the calf cross the road?

    A: To get to the udder side.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Cross the Road, Miscellaneous

  • Cross the Road... Monkey
  • Q: Why did the monkey cross the road?

    A: So he could get spanked.

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    Jokes about: Cross the Road, Miscellaneous

  • Cross the Road... One-Handed Man
  • Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

    A: To get to the second hand shop.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Cross the Road, Miscellaneous

  • Cross the Road... Forgetful Chicken
  • Q: Why did the forgetful chicken cross the road?

    A: To get to the other side -- er, no -- to go shopping -- no, not that either -- damn it.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Miscellaneous

  • Towards and Away
  • A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.

    Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.

    A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.

    "Oh no! What has happ

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Clearly Cheating
  • At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Dark Humor, Insults, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Revenge of the Blondes
  • Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?

    A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Laura Kightlinger: Talk Show Themes
  • I think that talk show themes have finally gone too far. I was watching a show where three people came out and they started talking about their failed attempts at suicide. And after it was over, they flashed a 1-800 number across the screen, so you could

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Dark Humor

  • Hostage Situation
  • If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Rene Hicks: Advice to Gang Members
  • If gang members have to kill, kill constructively -- kill some Ku Klux Klan.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Ross: Bill Gates Hire
  • Bill Gates is so rich he hired cancer to kill Steve Jobs.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Lester Barrie: Solution to the Gang Problem
  • It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Gregg Rogell: Cause of Death
  • The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. You know the number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Andy Kindler: Two Choices in Life
  • Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Dark Humor

  • Clip Clop Bang
  • A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Hard
  • Hey babe, rigor mortis has set in, if you know what I mean...

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Natasha Leggero: LA Gang Tours
  • For $100 you can get a seat on this tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of Los Angeles. I know because it goes past my house.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dishwasher Starter
  • A: Kick him in the ass.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Ross: Recent Death
  • In honor of the recent death of coach Joe Paterno, I think we should all take 12 years of silence.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Kiley: Shot an Elk
  • I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Cotter: Favorite Possessions
  • In her will, my grandmother stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favorite possessions. Her cat was not happy about that decision.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Grave
  • What time do you have to be back in Heaven? Because I have to be back in my grave in about six hours.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Jeff Ross: Working for Steve Jobs
  • Everybody wanted to work for Steve Jobs -- except his pancreas.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lucky Breaks & Crying Shames
  • Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?

    A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

    A: There was an empty seat.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Bill Gates in Hell
  • Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

    St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

    First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women run

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Andy Blitz: Boxing Explanation
  • I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
  • Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.

    St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

    St. Peter asks D

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Lawyer, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Plastered Lawyers
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

    A: It depends how hard you throw them.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Matt Iseman: Death Penalty
  • There is nothing funny about the death penalty -- except the name. Folks, death is not a penalty; 10 yards is a penalty.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Carlos Mencia: Bombing Japan
  • We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Money, Dark Humor

  • War on Poverty
  • Did you hear about the woman who was waging a war on poverty?

    She bombed the soup kitchen.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Posehn: Riot Footage
  • Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the ag

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Two Black Eyes for a Favor
  • A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

    The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around a

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jim Breuer: Mosh Pits
  • The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Angel
  • Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Oh no, it was probably when I ate your brain.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bonnie McFarlane: Never Hit a Baby
  • Never hit a baby, even if they start it.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dead Again
  • As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Shane Mauss: Baby Self-Defense
  • What I do for self-defense is I carry a baby around with me. I was thinking about it -- what kind of a person, no, what kind of a monster would attack someone that will hit them with a baby?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Kurt Braunohler: Slept Like a Baby
  • Slept like a baby last night. I woke up every two hours screaming in the dark and then I sh*t my pants and almost died for, like, no reason whatsoever.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Sue Murphy: Joined a Gym
  • I moved to L.A., so, you know, I joined a gym, because it was either that or a gang.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous

  • Bear & Rabbit
  • A bear was taking a dump in the forest when a rabbit walked by. The bear said, "Hey rabbit, does poo stick to your fur?"

    "No," replied the rabbit.

    The bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • River Deep
  • The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Meteorologist Booty Call... Forecast
  • The forecast calls for a wintry mix followed by a warming trend of you in my hot tub.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Positions
  • Hey babe, soccer players know eleven positions! High five!

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Alphabet
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I" together. And it would stand for "user interface."

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Extension
  • If you want that extension I can put it in, no extra charge.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Ben Kronberg: Bun in the Oven
  • A bun in the oven is cute, but a baby in the oven is horrifying.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • After 69
  • A: Mouthwash.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bill Santiago: Specific Ethnic Reality
  • Your specific reality depends on where your people come from, right? For example, Mexicans get shot trying to get into this country, Cubans get shot trying to get out of their own country, Puerto Ricans get shot just for trying to have a country.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Home Planet
  • Would you like to visit my home planet? I can offer you countless anal probes and tissue extractions.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Mickey & Donald in a Foxhole
  • A: Because Donald ducked.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Clown Booty Call... Poodles
  • Can my dancing poodles watch? Honk honk!

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Only Difference
  • A: You can go to sleep with the light on.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Productivity
  • I bet you can increase my productivity.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles...
  • Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

    The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Lips
  • My lips are registered weapons. They shoot deadly laser beams.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Man With One Brain
  • He had a dick and a brain!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Palm
  • You make me wanna use my Palm.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Basketball Chicken
  • A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Call
  • Who ya gonna call? How about me?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Rich Hooker
  • A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

    "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

    Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impress

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Good Girl...Bad Girl
  • What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

    A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed.
    A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Banister
  • She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Another Bull Name
  • A: Beef Strokinoff.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Morning
  • Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Betamax
  • Can I put my tape in your Betamax?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Beep
  • At the sound of the beep, I can pleasure you continuously for another 10.4 hours.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Lard
  • With this bucket of lard, I can last all night! Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Flintstone
  • I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: Fantasy Life
  • I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bonnie McFarlane: Never Be a Lesbian
  • I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pickled Bread
  • A: Dill dough.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Answer
  • A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Do Me
  • Do me or do not; there is no try.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • 7-11
  • Q: Why did the d**k go to 7-11?
    A: To get a Slurpee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Prom Booty Call... Dress
  • That prom dress is coming off like... a prom dress.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Aggie, the Longhorn, and the Goat
  • The Aggie says, “Yeah, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?”

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Hard Hat
  • I always wear my hard hat, baby.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Parallel Parking for Blondes
  • A: Because guys keep telling them that 1 inch is really 6 inches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Money, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Hut
  • Your poorly thatched hut or mine?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Murder Mystery Porn
  • In the end, everybody did it!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bathtub Anxieties
  • He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Drew Fraser: Like a Race
  • Sex with me is like a race: we both start at the same time; whoever gets to the promised land first is the winner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Mo Mandel: Problem With Prostitution
  • I have a problem with prostitution -- financially.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: After Intercourse
  • She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Rod
  • Want to test my tamping rod?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Baywatch
  • A: Silicon Valley.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Riding in Cars With Boys
  • Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish i could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, School, Miscellaneous

  • College Dorm Rules
  • On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Early Morning Rings
  • "I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • $10 Complaint
  • When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Clown Booty Call... Car
  • Would you and 50 of your hot friends like to join me in my tiny car? Honk honk!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Robert Hawkins: Learned a Lot in the Army
  • I learned a lot in the army. I learned how to masturbate quiet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Charisma
  • Looks like somebody rolled a 20 on their Charisma check!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Phil Palisoul: Pulled Groin
  • Pulled my groin the other day -- for about 20 minutes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Lawyer, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Christmas Bonus
  • Secretary: My lawyer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Oldest Couple Ever
  • An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
    "You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.
    "You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.
    "You used to nibble on my ear."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... RAM
  • I have a lot of RAM in me. A lot.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Richard Jeni: Of Course Men Love Condoms
  • I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Bipedal Hominids
  • Among your species of bipedal hominids, I find you the least repulsive.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Rodeo...
  • What is a Rodeofuck? You start by screwing your wife doggie-style, then you put your hands on her shoulders then whisper in her ear that her sister is a better lay than her. Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Prom Booty Call... Limo
  • Hurry up, I only have the limo for 10 more minutes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Confucious Say... Peanut Butter
  • Confucious say: 'Man with d**k in peanut butter jar is f**king nuts.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Orbit
  • I need you to help me complete an orbit trim maneuver.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Desk Job
  • Wanna give me a desk job?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • A Limerick About a Man From Peru
  • And woke with a handful of goo.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Pregnant Dairy Queen
  • A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • DeRay: Grabbed in the Club
  • How many women are tired of getting grabbed in the club? Well, turn around when we call your ass then.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Looks
  • You look just like my girlfriend avatar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Room 88
  • His dad turns deathly pale and cries, "Uh, oh. That was you?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Good Blow Jobs
  • A: Word of mouth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Love & Basketball
  • In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astrologer Booty Call... Moon
  • My moon is rising.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Blogger Booty Call... Offline
  • Will you be my offline permalink?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Phone Home
  • Forget phooone hooome. How about phooone meeee?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... MBA
  • Yeah, I have an MBA -- and that stands for Master of Booty Action.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Ejection
  • Can you help me achieve a coronal mass ejection?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Parrot
  • Is it okay if my parrot watches? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes & Computers
  • A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Provenza: Masturbation Class
  • If they taught masturbation when I was in school, I could have been the valedictorian.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Black Hole
  • Can I explore your black hole?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Kristen Schaal: Many Languages
  • As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Judy Gold: Performing for Bill Clinton
  • I performed at a Democratic fundraiser in Miami Beach about two and a half years ago, and I performed for Bill Clinton. I did stand-up comedy for him as well.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Dinosaur Booty Call... Name
  • Curious to see why they call me a "please-you-a-saur?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • David Feldman: Respect My Daughter
  • You treat my daughter with respect -- you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Moosehead Beer
  • A. By the antler marks on his thighs!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Hold the Mayo
  • Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they b

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Come Home
  • Please come home with me so I can experience first contact.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Positions
  • "Oh, crap! Puppies."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Redneck Girl
  • How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
    When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Fatty McVirgin
  • A: A fat person is trying to diet, and a virgin is dying to try it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Math
  • How about we add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Investigation
  • I need to investigate your hot junction.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • The Golfer and the Buttercups
  • "Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Dirty

  • The Golden Arches
  • How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

    You look for thesesamei seed bun.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Phone Number
  • I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I have yours?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Rich Lady and her Butler
  • A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
    The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he re

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pinocchio
  • Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Lick
  • Can I lick your bowl?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Ground Control
  • Ground control to Major Tail.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pickles & Deer
  • A: A dildo.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ice Cream
  • A smartass!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Kirk Cameron
  • Like Kirk Cameron, I am experiencing growing pains -- in my pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Liftoff
  • Oh yeah, we have liftoff!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Man Catches Crocodile
  • So the crocodile bit his legs off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Lost
  • Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes--even though I am programmed with a fully functioning GPS.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Bat
  • Hey babe, I got a Louisville slugger... in my pants! High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Resin
  • Hey babe, want to squeeze my resin bag? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Rotten Reggie
  • "Eddie Murphy! See ya on Tuesday!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Butcher Booty Call... Sausage
  • Want a taste of my hanging sausage?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Needle
  • I need you to move my needle.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • College Pride
  • A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nuts & Bolts
  • A: "Screw me."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A Chewy Riddle
  • A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Bastard
  • How would you like to sire a bastard? You can tell your friends about it well into your hag years.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Mechanic Booty Call... Engine
  • Aw, is your engine overheating?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • 6.9
  • A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Goal
  • Is your goalmouth open? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Mmmmmmmmmm...
  • They're both substitutes for meat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Body Parts
  • One of my body parts is radioactive. Want to guess which one?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Machinery
  • I am a sex machine. No, I mean that literally.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Pokemon for Adults
  • A: Pikascrew.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Exotic Male Dancer Cash
  • The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Beam
  • Beam me up, Slutty!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Next Planet
  • The next planet on my tour of this galaxy is Uranus.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Rover
  • I have a rover that would like to investigate your surface.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • James Johann: Like a Math Problem
  • Sex is like a math problem to me: I work real hard on it for a few minutes, and in the end, I get it all wrong, always leave a remainder.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • LSD Cocktail
  • A: A trip without the kids!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jumping Rope
  • "Well," says the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Elephant Encounter
  • A: Apologize and wipe it off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Helen Keller Discovers Masturbation
  • A: She tried to read her own lips.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Joystick
  • My extra-large joystick allows me to score massively.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • San Fran Blondes
  • Because their balls hang out!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Ashes to Ashes
  • Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Adjustment
  • I need you to adjust my hose bibb.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Lincoln Booty Call... Debate
  • Look, we can debate this all night.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Height of Noise
  • Q: What is the height of noise?

    A: Two skeletons f**king on a tin roof.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jonathan Katz: No Experience
  • I was a late bloomer with women. Before I met my wife, I had virtually no experience. I remember on our wedding night, I tried to inflate her.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Green and Jumpy
  • A prostitoad.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Helen Keller Masturbating
  • A: So she could moan with the other hand.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Blonde Feels Golf Balls
  • She says, "Is that like tennis elbow?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Did It Hurt?
  • Did it hurt when you fell from the Jicknob Nebula?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Crater
  • My unit would like to explore your crater.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Joining the Colony
  • Did you hear about the man who joined a nudist colony?

    The first day was his hardest.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Calculus
  • I need some help with my calculus. Can you integrate my natural log?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Confucious Say...Baseball
  • Confucious say, 'Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hipster Booty Call... Bored
  • Want to come over and be bored at my place?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Pit Bull with Herpes
  • A: The guy who gave it to him.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Moby Dick
  • Papa Boner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Docking
  • Can I dock my rocket at your space station?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hipster Booty Call... Neighborhood
  • I lived in your neighborhood before it became gentrified.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Professor of Logic
  • "Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Friend
  • Would ya care to meet my friend One-Eyed Willie? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Newlywed Game
  • He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Astrology
  • What is your sign? Mine is "Property of NASA."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hobo Booty Call... Boxcar
  • Your boxcar or mine?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Fortune 500
  • A: A whoroscope.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Parts
  • Some parts of me are hard even without armor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • David Feldman: Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal
  • I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Give the Dog a Bone
  • A: Tickle his balls.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • No Backseat Blonde
  • A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

    "No!" yells the blonde.

    Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

    "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Fr

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Plumber Booty Call... Check
  • I need you to check my ballcock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Resistance
  • Resistance is futile!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Drop
  • Pardon me, I think I may have dropped something. Oh, it was my jaw! Please reconnect it with these bolts.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Meat
  • My meat is Grade A.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Duck at the Pharmacy
  • The duck replies, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Commodore 64
  • Wanna come back to my place and check out my Commodore 64?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Rocky Mountain Oysters
  • The bull must have drug him a mile!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • 72
  • A: 69 with three people watching.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Lawyer, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Work

  • Legal Jargon!
  • Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
    A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Of Mice and Men
  • What do mice and men have in common?
    They both run around hunting for holes!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Dice
  • According to my percentile dice, I should have charmed you by now.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Partying & Bad Behavior, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hipster Booty Call... Beer
  • Can I buy you an ironically lowbrow beer?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flight Attendant Booty Call... Nuts
  • Would you like some warm nuts?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Captain
  • They call me Captain Hook-Up! Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Flying Condom
  • A: It was pissed off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pharmacist Booty Call... Medicine
  • If my medicine tastes too unpleasant, you have the option of adding some flavors to make swallowing easier.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Sandpaper Sally
  • Sally replies, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Holding
  • Hey babe, are you interested in a little offensive holding? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Difference Between Like and Love
  • A. When a person likes you they spit and when a person loves you they swallow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Rosebud
  • 'No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Children & Cars
  • Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... 401K
  • Baby, you are 401Kute!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Help
  • I need your help--my hard drive needs to be wiped.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Casio
  • Wanna play my Casio? I keep it in my pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Angel
  • Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lesbian Hardwood
  • Q: Where do lesbians find hard wood during sex?

    A: On the floor, beneath the carpet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Bump
  • Hey babe, are you interested in a little bump and run? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Chaste Nudist
  • The doctor replies, "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Lawyer, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers in Lust
  • "But out of what?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Hole
  • Hey babe, can I take it to the hole? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Broom
  • You must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Lawyer, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer-Client Relations
  • Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Body Part Preference
  • A: Some guys are butt guys, some guys are boob guys, and some guys prefer looking at the tops of heads.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Gum
  • For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Marinate
  • Can I marinate in your juices?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bra & Hat
  • A: "You go on ahead while I give these two a lift."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Marder: Hump Day
  • Why is Wednesday called hump day when most people get laid on the weekends?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Benefits
  • Want to take a look at my benefit package?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Meat
  • If this place is a meat market, you are the prime rib.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • In the Navy
  • Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

    A: With a crowbar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • New Favorite Number
  • A: You do me and I owe you!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • First Impressions are Everything
  • A: Nothing. They have never met.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Big Jay Oakerson: Asian Girlfriend
  • I love Asian women. I had an Asian girlfriend once -- for an hour. It cost me $150 bucks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • D**k & Balls
  • A: "You guys hang around here while I go inside."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pillsbury Doughboy
  • A: Doughnuts.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Food
  • Want to grab something to eat? I know this serf who makes the most amazing gruel.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Insides
  • Have you ever seen hardware like this before?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Busy
  • Are you busy tonight at around 3 a.m.?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • One day Adam and Eve notice God...
  • "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Russ Meneve: Performance Drugs
  • I took some drugs a couple days ago. My buddies wanted to play football, and I knew my throwing arm was going to be way off, so I took that Levitra -- you know, that drug that helps that guy throw the football through the tire in the commercial? Yeah, lon

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Hook
  • How about if I set my hook on "vibrate?" Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Manipulate
  • Please manipulate me digitally.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bird of Peace, Bird of Love
  • A: The swallow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Chairman of the Board
  • Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nudist BMOC
  • Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
    A. The girl who can eat the last donut.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Rub
  • I need you to rub my sack joint.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Confucius Say...Sausage
  • Confucious say, "Man who stuffs his own sausage pounds his own meat."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Leper and Prostitute
  • A: Keep the tip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Garden of Eden
  • Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Ever Been Driving Along...
  • Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with hersel

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Lincoln Booty Call... Beard
  • Let me know if my beard tickles.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • 77
  • Q: Why is 77 better than 69?

    A: You get eight more.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Plumber Booty Call... Pipes
  • Are you prepared to get wet, because these pipes are about to burst.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Deck
  • Blimey, I could live on your poop deck. Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Precious
  • You are more precious than dilithium crystals.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Beyond Impotent
  • She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jingle Blondes
  • "Ho. Ho. Ho."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The D.C. Hookers Read the Paper
  • A prostitute on the street was approached by a young man. He asked her how much. She replied $100 for a blow job, $150 for sex, and $250 for a Monica. Knowing what the first two were he was curious about the third so he asked her what a Monica was. Sh

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Boil
  • I can bring you to a full boil!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Fax
  • I wanna fax you up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Angel
  • Am I dead, Angel? Because this must be Heaven. Of course, I am a machine and therefore do not experience death.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Incest Farm
  • An aunt-eater.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Balls & Old Ladies
  • A: Bingo.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Five Pounds of Fat
  • Stick a nipple on it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • The 12 Days of Christmas
  • Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender andChole

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Perverted Parrot
  • Q: What does a perverted parrot say?

    A: Polly want a rim job.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Crudite
  • We can get as crudite as you want, baby.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pickpockets and Gynecologists
  • A pickpocket snatches watches and a gynecologist watches snatches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Confucious Say... Park A-OK
  • Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • The Golfer
  • 'Well,' one of the employees questioned, 'What happens if she is laying on her back?' George replies, 'Then I am 10 minutes late.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Clown Booty Call... Pie
  • Wanna throw your pie in my face? Honk honk!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • George of the Jungle
  • "What did you do that?" she exclaimed.
    He replied, "Gotta check for squirrels."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Picture perfect
  • The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Love and Herpes?
  • A: Herpes lasts forever.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Internet
  • Let me show you why they call me... The Webmaster.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Classic Booty Call... Airport
  • Is there an airport nearby, or is that my heart taking off?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Male Lie Detector
  • His lips are moving.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Chatting Penises
  • The third penis said, "I hate my master; he puts me in a rubber suit and pushes me in and out of a dark cave till I puke.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pervert Crossing the Road
  • A: His d**k was stuck in the chicken.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Counting
  • A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Love the Nightlife
  • Achmed: Next time you should get a partner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Real
  • My intelligence may be artificial, but the attraction is real, baby.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Measurements
  • You must be 36-25-36 -- and those are all perfect squares!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Raisins
  • Do you have any raisins? How about a date?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • 80 Pounder
  • Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 30-pound testicles?People say he was half-nuts!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Phaser
  • If you were a phaser, you would be set on "stunning." And I would set mine to "kill" because my own survival is my top priority.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... My Mission
  • My mission is to reach your core.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Receiver
  • Hey babe, will you be my receiver? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Geriatric Halloween
  • 'Yes,' said the old man. 'If you can go out as a sour-puss, I can go out as a dictator."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Peg Leg
  • They call me Peg Leg Joe... and I walk fine! Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • At the Pharmacy
  • Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pharmacist Booty Call... Prescription
  • Your prescription for one large, um, suppository is ready for pickup.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Boys & Girls
  • A: A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Quickie
  • A: A yankee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Middle Manager
  • Come meet my middle manager.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Handler
  • Hey babe, are you a good ball handler? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Parsley
  • You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... DeLorean
  • Wanna take a ride in my DeLorean?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Morning After the Orgy
  • Q: What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?

    A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Cream
  • I need your help making a cream sauce.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Launch
  • Much like a shuttle launch, my rocket also comes in multiple stages.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Jungle Gaiety
  • A head hunter!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Has a Head
  • MONEY.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Faking It
  • A: When a Rottweiler is humping your leg.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pregnant Nun
  • Q. Dress her up as an altar boy!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Re-Entry
  • I can guarantee a rough re-entry.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Midget
  • He got a twat in the face.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Muscle
  • Hey babe, I think I pulled a groin muscle. Or was that you? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Prom Booty Call... Booty
  • I want your booty near my boutonniere.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Caveman Booty Call... Clubbing
  • You like clubbing? Really? Hey, look over there!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Game
  • Hey, lass, how about a game I like to call, "all hands on deck?" Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hipster Booty Call... Judgment
  • Can I come over and judge you by the books on your shelf?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Clown Booty Call... Feet
  • You know what they say about big feet! Honk honk!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Roomba
  • You remind me of a Roomba I used to date years ago. May I sample some of your sucking power for comparison?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Hot
  • Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Wait, that is me. Please remain while I change my coolant.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Garden Hose
  • A: Darling.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sad Rooster
  • A: He only got laid once, and it was by his mother.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Anchor
  • Can I drop my anchor in your lagoon? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Mitch Fatel: I Love My Penis
  • I love having a penis. Having a penis is kinda like having a friend that always wants to play.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Reach Out
  • I want you to reach out and loop me in.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Kjell Bjorgen: Brotherly E.S.P.
  • One time I had ESP with my brother... It was a Friday night, and unbeknownst to me, my brother went out and got really drunk, just hammered. And that same night, I had sex with a really ugly chick.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Runny Noodle
  • Ian replied, "Pepper."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... PowerPoint
  • I know how to find your PowerPoint.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nick DiPaolo: Nine-Inch Black Dildo
  • I thought she stole a peppermill from a steak house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Corduroy Condom
  • A: A groovy kind of love.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 90s Booty Call... Mosh Pit
  • You just dove from the stage of my dreams into the mosh pit of my so-called life.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Donkey-Onion Hybrid
  • A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Posehn: Punishment
  • On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Lincoln Booty Call... Address
  • Can I give you my Gettysburg address? No? How about my Gettysburg phone number?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Condom Recycling
  • A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Convention
  • Hey, could you tell me where the "Star Wars" convention is? I just got lost... in your eyes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Better
  • You make me want to become a better automaton.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Off
  • I am feeling a little off today. How about turning me on? The switch is on the back of my neck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Jaw
  • Pardon me, I think I may have dropped something. Oh -- it was my jaw!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Elephant & Prostitute
  • A: A two-ton pick-up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A Hole in the Head
  • A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Oschack: Masturbation Is a Biological Necessity
  • I tried to stop the first day or two of our marriage, and I promise you, my nuts ballooned quicker than Oprah in a Krispy Kreme.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Childless Psychics
  • A: Their husbands have crystal balls.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dirty Knees
  • A: The head nurse.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Mainsail
  • Lift yer mainsail and prepare to be boarded. Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Airplane Fashion
  • He replied, "No, I was admiring the landing field."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Guild
  • Would you like to join my MMORPG guild for some level grinding?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Art Gallery Nudes
  • He replies, "Autumn."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Blow
  • Well... blow me down? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Perfect Fit
  • Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

    His pants fit like a glove.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Classic Booty Call... Curves
  • All those curves, and me with no brakes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Elevator Operator Booty Call... Preference
  • Personally, I prefer going down.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Arctic Hooker
  • A: A frostitute.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lesbian License
  • A: A liquor license.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Man in the Mirror
  • His legs fell off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Attraction
  • You must be a magnet, because you are attracting me. Perhaps it is because I am made entirely of metal.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Bones
  • There are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like to add another?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A.J. Jamal: Big Butt
  • I like a big butt, though. I like a butt so big you can sit a clock radio and a drink on it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Computer + Prostitute
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

    A: A f**king know-it-all.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Cost of Pleasure
  • Cover charge: $15

    Round of drinks: $23

    Table dance: $30

    A round of shots: $34

    Private dance in your hotel room: $300

    Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Horny Old Ladies
  • Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

    One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Bodkin
  • Why yes, that is a bodkin in my codpiece. I went a-hunting today. But I am happy to see you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Counting Condoms
  • Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Comics
  • If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me touch myself while I read "Daredevil #181"?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Box
  • Hey babe, can I get into your penalty box? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Major Crackage
  • A: She was arrested for carrying 300 pounds of crack in her pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ray Lipowski: Not Responsible
  • Ladies, we are not responsible for the size of our manhood; we got what God gave us. But every woman is responsible for the size of her vagina.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hairdresser Booty Call... Blow Out
  • In the mood for a blow out?

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Christian Finnegan: Work to Avoid
  • I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Librarian Booty Call... Books
  • I like my women like I like my books--stacked.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Partying & Bad Behavior, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Rum
  • Yo ho, Ho! And a bottle of rum? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Guys & Dolls
  • The next morning, one guy tells the other, "I think my girl was a witch! When I bit her on the tit, she hissed and flew away."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Chuck Sklar: Perfect Crime
  • I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court; I pleaded insanity.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Panda Booty Call... Eat
  • You eat bamboo, right?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Lincoln Booty Call... Hat
  • Can I leave my hat on?

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Insults, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Proctologists & Bartenders
  • A: The proctologist only handles one a**hole at a time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Healthy Virgin
  • A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Orgasm-isms
  • "Those are sperm cells."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Caveman Booty Call... Evolution
  • I think I just evolved into Homo Erectus.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • John Heffron: Old School Child Safety
  • All the windows are rolled up, both parents are smoking as they paint my room with lead-based paint and drop me off at the asbestos elementary school to hang out in.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Condom Dog
  • The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he s**ts in little plastic baggies!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, God, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Amish Friends
  • I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Dinosaur Booty Call... Ass
  • Hatchling, you put the "ass" in Jurassic.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Binary
  • 01101100110100010110011011!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jack Coen: Not the Same for Bill Clinton
  • When I was younger, if a girlfriend was bothering a president, the CIA killed her.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Pigskin Pro
  • An illegal procedure.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Toe Tells Signs
  • Q: What do the toes say when they meet?

    A: There is a fungus among us.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Hand-Me-Downs
  • A: "Your jeans fit like a glove."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Shot To The Heart
  • Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • 350 Pounder
  • A: Broke.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Panda Booty Call... Aphrodisiac
  • Forget rhino horn. The most powerful Chinese aphrodisiac is panda bone. And I got your stash right here.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Marc Maron: Manic-Depressive Dad
  • My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Two Things In The Air
  • Her feet!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Lawyer, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
  • What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
    They both hope to be human someday.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Bad News

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Crazy Little Critters
  • A: On crutches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Taliban Snippet
  • It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Sex with Leprosy
  • Keep the tip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Fridge
  • The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha burst

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • The Prognosis
  • "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Third Opinion
  • Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'

    Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'

    Doctor Ahn says, 'I

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Yeast + Billy Ray Cyrus = ?
  • An itchy, twitchy twat!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Proctology, For Fun & Profit
  • A brown Probe!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Demetri Martin: Worst Time for a Heart Attack
  • I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers. Game over means game over.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Santa Singh
  • Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Doctor

  • Skeleton
  • What did the skeleton say before it ate?

    "Bone-appetit."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Ode to a Glowworm
  • When the sun shines out of your bum!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Matt Iseman: From Medicine to Comedy
  • I went to medical school here at Columbia. I got my M.D. I was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up -- and not just because of the lawsuits.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Childhood Experience
  • My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Sores
  • Your sores are in all the right places!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Jewish Juggler
  • My grandfather was a Jewish juggler. He used to close his act -- I was told -- he used to worry about six things at once.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Lawyer, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • What happens when lawyers take Viagra...
  • A: They grow taller.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Steve Sweeney: Growing Up Catholic
  • I grew up a Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out the rest of your life.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Injured Lemons
  • A: Lemonade.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Rhoids
  • "Swell."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Green and Yellow
  • Gonorrhea.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Thermometers
  • A: The taste.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Adam Ferrara: A Million Sperm
  • Do you realize we have a million sperm cells in our body and only one brain to govern them? And when they start to organize, there is civil unrest in the genitalia. I have the Million Man March in my underwear right now!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Doctor, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Toothpaste Inventor
  • Q: How do you know that someone from West Virginia invented toothpaste?

    A: If anyone else would have invented it, it would be called "teethpaste."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Ty Barnett: Herpes Medication Message
  • I saw the commercial for herpes medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after herpes -- you can rock c

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Ventriloquism
  • I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm -- which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Dave Mordal: Workaholism
  • Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • The Dead Dog
  • He said '$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan'

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Doctor, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • So Blonde... Blood Test
  • She is so blonde, she studied for a blood test.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Cat Hospital
  • A: To have a CAT scan done.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous

  • Steve Shaffer: Catholic Parochial Education
  • Sad to say -- eight years of nuns, four years of priests, 12 years of therapy -- here I am.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pharmacist Booty Call... Viagra
  • Just in case you were wondering, yes, I can get my hands on all the free Viagra I want.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Lightbulb: Psychiatrist
  • One, but it really has to want to change.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • The Scientist and the Frog
  • So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Intimate Health
  • I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Gregg Rogell: Cell Phones vs. Anthrax
  • Cell phones can give you brain tumors, and yet the anthrax only killed five people. Maybe the terrorists should have just called us on our cell phones.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Only Child Ex-Girlfriend
  • She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Psyched Up
  • A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bird It Through the Grapevine
  • He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Cotter: In My Blood
  • Comedy has always been in my blood. The hepatitis is brand new.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What do puppies and gynecologists...
  • A: Wet noses.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Shubert: Neutering
  • I love the people that care more about neutering stray cats than they care about homeless American veterans... What they should be doing is neutering the homeless American veteran because they are much easier to catch.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Viagra Theft
  • The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Loni Love: On Tom Cruise
  • We sick people need our medicine, Tom. You ever had a yeast infection? F**k you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Wendy Liebman: Running When Necessary
  • I go running when I have to -- like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Whitney Cummings: Babies and Dogs
  • I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Nurse
  • A: To draw blood.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dan St. Germain: Mysterious Ways
  • God working in mysterious ways is no comfort to me working through my sh*tty life.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross, Work

  • Geriatric Medicine
  • The woman says, "Well, can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • David Feldman: Pharmaceutical Manufacture
  • Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy
  • Q: What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy together?

    A: A redhead with a yeast infection.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Doctors, Nurses & Light Bulbs
  • A: Twenty. One primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Monster Valentine
  • Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Little Voice
  • "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • A Crazy Person in the Woods
  • A: They take the psychopath.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Margaret Smith: Crime-Stopping Altoid
  • I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Assembly Required
  • When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Community Service
  • If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Divorce & Circumcision
  • A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Wayne Federman: Jazz History
  • Jazz: it began in New Orleans and spread like a venereal disease across the United States.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Leper Stew
  • Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Robert Hawkins: Quitting Smoking
  • How did I quit? With willpower and nicotine gum. I recommend the gum if you wanna quit, it helps. The taste? I would rather eat a tobacco plant out of the ass of a pilgrim in front of people.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Matt Iseman: Quitting the Medical Profession
  • I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine. Turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lonely Bones
  • A: He had no body to go with.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Carmen Lynch: Hard Sneeze
  • Sometimes I sneeze so hard, I get my period a week early.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Wayne Federman: Best Medicine
  • Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Army Nurse
  • She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Gynecologist and a Dog
  • Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

    A: Wet noses.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Flu?
  • The doctor replied, 'No, I came on my bicycle actually!'

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Iron Phone
  • She replied, "They called back."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Al Clethen Jr.: Safe Sex
  • Sex is so weird now. Remember the old days when all you needed for safe sex was a padded headboard?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Viagra + Eyedrops = ?
  • Because he wanted to look hard!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Miscellaneous

  • In His Image

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sneezy
  • "Snorting pepper."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • The Hippie and the Spice Rack
  • 'Well, that explains it,' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. 'He is in a Korma.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • When You Pull That Out
  • The man replies, "When you pull that thing out it better have some numbers on it!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Why did the city build a graveyard...
  • A: So all the old people can see there futures!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Two Psychiatrists
  • 'You are fine, how am I?'

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Carrots
  • A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Shooting
  • That night she went to the emergency room with a shot in the knee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, God, Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Taylor Negron: Inner Child
  • I found out I have the von Trapp family in me.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Arm Troubles
  • "Aha!' says the doctor. 'I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
  • A cancelled Czech!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Quick Visit to the Dentist
  • The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Cookie Joke
  • A: It was feeling crummy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Roses are red

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Transplant
  • His hand rejected it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Mike Lawrence: Roommates
  • I had two roommates... one was a paranormal romance fiction novelist and the other was a feminist autobiographical cartoonist. And I do stand-up comedy. So if you want to know what my apartment was like, try to imagine the musical Rent if no one had enoug

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Hypochondriac at Home
  • At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Two Weeks to Live
  • The doctor answers, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Ryan Stout: Homeless Have It Good
  • I think the homeless have it pretty good because 98% of deadly accidents happen inside the home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Upgrade for E.D.
  • Q: Did you hear about the new computer upgrade for erectile dysfunction?

    A: It turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Maria Bamford: Depressed American Kids
  • I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, School, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: Physical Education
  • A gym is just a PE class that you pay to skip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Gabriel Iglesias: Landing in Phoenix
  • I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • What P.M.S. Stands For
  • Pass My ShotgunPsychotic Mood ShiftPerpetual Munching SpreePuffy Mid-SectionPeople Make Me SickProvide Me with SweetsPardon My SobbingPimples May SurfacePass My SweatpantsPissy Mood SyndromePlainly, Men SuckPack My Stuff

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Victorian Ladies
  • One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Tell Me About Your Circuit Breaker
  • A: One, but it takes five sessions.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Nick DiPaolo: Keeping the Weight Down
  • You want to keep your weight down? Do what I do and get food poisoning three times a year.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Dropped
  • Pardon me, I think I may have dropped something. Oh, it was my jaw. And damn, there goes the rest of my face!

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Larry Amoros: Recent Surgery
  • I just got out of the hospital. I had some surgery. I had my mother removed from my back.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Scooby Doo
  • One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies'. The

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jessi Klein: Before Marriage
  • I would like to get married before I get herpes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Janine DiTullio: Dental Plan
  • I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Todd Barry: Therapist Bills
  • Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Marley: Failing the Atkins Diet
  • I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I was backed up like the mall parking lot at Christmas time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Pregnant Wife
  • "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Corpsalicious!
  • 'Next,' the professor said, 'you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Doctor, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Steady Hands
  • A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor.

    The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.

    That ni

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous

  • Dead Baby Crosses the Street
  • A: He wanted to get away from the abortion clinic.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Marc Maron: Depression and Disappointment
  • I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
  • Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.Walter: She?s getting old.Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.Walter: She?s aging like milk.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Cucumber
  • I can teach you how to handle a cucumber.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Under the Apron
  • Q: What does the baker have under his apron?

    A: Dough nuts.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Rooster and Lollipop
  • Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a lollipop?

    A: A c**ksucker.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Oops Banana
  • A: A pair of slippers.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat
  • Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tofu & Dildos
  • A: They are both meat substitutes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Ants Dancing
  • A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Meets Cheerios
  • A: "Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Irish Eats Italian
  • Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

    A: Gaelic breath.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Animal Rotation
  • A: A rotisserie chicken.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Ronald McDonald in a Nudist Colony
  • Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

    A: Look for sesame seed buns.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde in a Library
  • The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Temperature
  • Can I take your temperature with my meat thermometer?

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Daniel Tosh: Who Sinned First
  • If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Beer Nuts vs. Deer Nuts
  • A: Beer nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Denis Leary: Resuming Air Travel
  • Iran, Egypt to resume air travel after 31-year freeze. Flight attendants will offer you a choice of beef, chicken or enriched uranium.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Bill Santiago: Puerto Rican Food
  • Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up -- I swear to you -- thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Empty Cheez Whiz
  • A: Cheez Whuz.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Sheik That Rooster
  • A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.

    The rooster proceeds to eats three baske

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Mitch Hedberg: Butter vs. Margarine
  • Because of acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullsh*t.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Toast
  • I noticed your toast points from across the room.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Perkins: Not Going Dutch
  • The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • What do you get when you divide ...
  • What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

    Pumpkin Pi!

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Dead in His Cornflakes
  • The police thought it was a cereal killer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • John Oliver: New Boston Tea Party
  • I took a tip from your history books, and the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • A 70s Cookie Band
  • A: OREO Speedwagon.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Blonde Waitress Warmer
  • The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Frank Prinzi: Love Grape Nuts
  • My favorite cold cereal is the Grape Nuts. I love Grape Nuts -- except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Harland Williams: No Airbag
  • I got no airbag in my old hunk of junk, so this is what I did: I went over to Dunkin Donuts. I bought a great big, puffy, jelly donut. I stuck it to my steering wheel. Some idiot hit me from behind, my head goes forward -- he thinks my head blew up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Regan: Serving Size
  • I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Natasha Leggero: Sex With a Prostitute
  • Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • A Happy Meal
  • A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Robin Montague: Backwards in Hollywood
  • People are so backwards in Hollywood. Like, they take drugs right out in the open, but they eat in the closet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Oppressive Potato
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

    A: A dic-tater.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Kevin Meaney: Thanksgiving Turkey
  • Last year, the turkey weighed 185 pounds. It had a tattoo.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Sebastian Maniscalco: Sushi Dinner Date
  • Chicken, salad, steak -- I know what that goes for. A dynamite roll -- I have no idea what the hell that is.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Being Overeager with Frozen Drinks and Marriage
  • Walter: Marriage to me is like drinking a frozen drink. The first couple of sips is like ?Boy, this is really good, I?m glad I did this?. And you keep drinking and then you have too much and all of a sudden you?re like ?Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh my head! The hel

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Fabrice Fabrice: Fried Chicken
  • You know who likes fried chicken is black people. You know who else likes fried chicken? Everybody.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dan Devido: Joe Franklin Sandwich
  • I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Food, Miscellaneous

  • Peanut Butter Rooster
  • A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • John Ridley: Indian Restaurants
  • I never even thought about going to an Indian restaurant for dinner because, as far as I know, there is no food in India. So, why bother, really? What are they going to do -- bring your meal to you in a little box from Unicef?

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • One-Legged People
  • A: IHOP.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • The Mystery of the Thermos
  • "Well," the old man responded, "when you put something hot in it, it keeps it hot. When you put something cold in it, it keeps it cold... HOW DOES IT KNOW?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Food

  • Chef Clown
  • A: The food tastes funny.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Harland Williams: Stuffing the Mattress
  • Did you ever stuff your mattress full of Rice Krispies and then piss the bed? Snap, crackle, pop -- all night long.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • JB Smoove: Bad Chicken
  • You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Food, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & Pizza
  • She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Frosty the Snowman
  • A: He heard the snowblower coming.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Beans & Onions
  • A: Tear gas.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Gilbert Gottfried: Old Testament Trick
  • If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Patton Oswalt: Coloring Easter Eggs
  • Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go? There was only one game in town: PAAS. You went to PAAS, or you went to hell. Remember that? That was on the box.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Gross, Work

  • Wrong Kind Of Collection
  • "S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Andy Kindler: Orthodox Jewish Wedding
  • I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Carr: Sense of Taste
  • If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Liar Sermon
  • A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

    The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of yo

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Bob Nickman: Sizzler Cheater
  • Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous

  • Demetri Martin: Fruit Baskets
  • I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Spell L-O-V-E
  • Then the man says, 'Spell Hemorrhoid.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: One Virgin in Catholic School
  • We had 300 girls in my high school; we had one virgin -- one. She was out on the front lawn. She was our Lady of Lost Hope.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel
  • And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Rene Hicks: Celibates and Vegetarians
  • We do have something in common in that tonight neither one of us will be having meat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, God, Miscellaneous

  • The Funky Parrot
  • The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Gourmet Booty Call... Sous Chef
  • Mind if my sous chef watches?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Lips
  • Mmmmm... your lips taste like salted fish.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah
  • Jeff Dunham: If your family celebrates Christmas and Hanukkah, put up a Christmas tree and a Hanukkah bush.Peanut: And keep in mind that, no matter what you do, you?ll never be fully accepted by either group.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Zen Sausage
  • Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Buddhist Dog
  • A: "Make me one with everything."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: What the Jews Believe
  • Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Judah Friedlander: Broke Up With My Boyfriend
  • I broke up today with my boyfriend. Well, neither of us were gay. We were just doing it to upset our parents -- and the Christian Right.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Myq Kaplan: Had It Rough
  • The Jews have had it rough. I have some distant cousins that got sucked into one of these pyramid schemes -- you know, building them in Egypt. Too soon?

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Rory Scovel: Haunted House
  • My family thought it would be a lot of fun to go to one of those pro-life haunted houses: church.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jon Dore: Two Simple Rules
  • I have two simple rules that guide me through this world. Number one: I follow the good word of the Lord Jesus Christ. Number two: I bang as many f**king bitches as I can.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Exorcist
  • "As soon as gets to a party, he rids it of all the spirits."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Arj Barker: 4th of July
  • I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Vow of Celebracy
  • The Pope sobs, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Virgins in Paradise
  • Jeff Dunham: Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?
    Achmed: Holy Crap! Wait... I could have Clay Aiken!

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Kennedy: 9/11 Reaction
  • I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Slippery Slope
  • She yells out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh s**t, I said God! Oh, f**k, I said s**t! Oh, who wants to be a f**king nun anyway?"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Who Is God?
  • A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

    "Both, son, God is both."

    After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

    "Both, son, both."

    "Daddy, does God love children?"

    "Yes, son, he loves all

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Karma
  • Getting good karma requires giving... and giving... and giving...

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, God, Men/Women, Nationality, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... The Whole Gang
  • The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Kenny: The Pope-Mobile
  • I see the pope driving around on the news in that car. I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Walking on Water
  • A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks bac

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: Catholic Mom, Jewish Dad
  • My husband is Jewish. I know -- a Catholic and a Jew, right? Our kids are gonna be cashews.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Why Man Before Woman
  • Q: Why did God create man before woman?

    A: He needed a rough draft before he made a final copy.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...
  • God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Bill Santiago: Flying Into San Juan Scare
  • I had a scare last time flying into San Juan. We lost cabin pressure, and instead of oxygen masks, rosary beads dropped out of the ceiling.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Richard Lewis: Jewish Satellite Dish
  • My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Gilbert Gottfried: The Last Supper
  • At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Three Nuns
  • The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Teacher Arrested

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Steve Mittleman: Jesus in Venice
  • Jesus would have been great in Venice. He could have just walked all over the place.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jesus and Moses Play Golf
  • Moses turns to Jesus and says, 'I hate it when your dad plays!'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Debbie Shea: New Easter Celebration
  • My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt -- in my womb. It was great. A lot of people came.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Grant Taylor: Elvis and Jesus, After Death
  • They were both much more popular and more frequently cited since their deaths.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Seven Dwarves Go to Rome
  • And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Ya Wanna Find Jesus?
  • "Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, God, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Christmas Shopping
  • you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, God, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • DL Hughley: Different Religious Beliefs
  • We have different religious beliefs. Here we believe, in this country, that if you kill yourself, it is a sin and you go to Hell. They believe if they kill themselves fighting their enemy, it is an honor and they go to Heaven. And the f**ked up thing abou

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Raining Money
  • A: To make weathermen look good.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Hugh Fink: Ethnic Sports Names
  • A lot of teams have ethnic names: Notre Dame, the Fighting Irish; Minnesota, the Vikings; Yeshiva University, the Price-Slashing Hebes.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Make-a-Wish Foundation
  • So God sent him Mother Theresa.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Lizz Winstead: Catholic Neighborhood
  • I went to Catholic school, everyone in my neighborhood was Catholic -- I literally had no idea that Jews existed. I thought they were characters in the Bible, like Argonauts or hobbits or something.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Cathy Ladman: What Is Religion?
  • Religion is basically guilt with different holidays.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: WWJD in a Spousal Argument
  • Walter: Well, my mother always told me ?When you?re in a jam and don?t know what to do, you should think: what would Jesus do???So I tried to turn her into a fish. I stood there going ?Be gone, Satan! Hello, Shamu?. Well, at least Shamu only has one blowh

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Work Genesis
  • In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
    And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, 'It is a crock of s**t, and i

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The FortyNunners
  • "Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sex Before Communion
  • He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Energies
  • Did you feel that? Our energies just touched! And we should always follow our energies...

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
  • The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Eugene Mirman: Adopted
  • They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted. And then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • The Jewish Vote
  • He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Provenza: Catholic View on Sex
  • The Catholics have an interesting view of sex. Sex is disgusting, amoral and filthy, and you should save it for one you love.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, School, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Kozlowski: Catholics Clapping
  • You can always tell when the Catholics are clapping because their hands have been broken by rulers.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Holy Water + Castor Oil
  • Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?

    A: A religious movement.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • The Homeless Couple and the Priest
  • This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat. The priest s

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Packed in One Honda
  • A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • E-vil
  • It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, God, Miscellaneous

  • Religious Nuts

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Priests and Christmas Trees
  • Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

    A: Their balls are just for decoration.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, God, Miscellaneous

  • Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
  • He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • J.J. Wall: Sexy Multiple Wife Thing
  • When I was younger, I actually thought the Mormons were kind of a cool religion because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it was pretty sexy, multiple wives, and then I got married, and I realized that one wife is certainly enough for any man.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Lizz Winstead: New Testament
  • My friend Phil -- brought up Orthodox Jewish -- he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • $1 Million in Heaven
  • God said, "Sure, in a minute."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Nick DiPaolo: Venice Beach vs. Time Square
  • People in Venice Beach make people in Times Square look like the Amish.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Top 10 reasons to like Hanukkah
  • 1. No Irving Berlin songs

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Dan Mintz: Holocaust Survivor
  • My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor, and you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Dore: Really Catholic
  • My parents were Catholic. They were really Catholic -- like they almost molested somebody.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Big Jay Oakerson: Karate at the Jewish Community Center
  • My grandma sent me to karate class at the Jewish community center because it was free. Sensei Master Rabbi Rabinowitz -- that guy was the Hebrew nightmare.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Women in Heaven
  • Q: Why do only 40% of men go to Heaven?

    A: If they all went, it would be hell.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, God, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • What do you get when you cross a Scottish...
  • The Dolly Llama.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, God

  • Light Bulbs for Christians
  • A: None. The Bible makes no mention of light bulbs.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Jesus gives speech
  • Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
    'He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
    'Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • St. Paul vs. Minneapolis
  • A: There are a dozen or so pages in the Bible about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Black, White, Black
  • A: A nun falling down stairs.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, God, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • What a Coincidence
  • A: "Is this a joke?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, God, Miscellaneous

  • Dana Gould: Hell Exactly as You Thought
  • What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • The Joy of Christmas Cards
  • A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

    "What denomination?" asks the clerk.

    "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: New York Airport Safety Precautions
  • Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Mus

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • No Revolving Doors
  • A: A nun with a spear through her head.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
  • Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Judah Friedlander: On Shintoism
  • I mean -- a reverence for nature, spirits and ancestors with no formal dogma? Get real, Japan.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Juston McKinney: Scratch Tickets for Christmas
  • You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astrologer Booty Call... Third Planet
  • My third planet is misaligned. Can you adjust it for me?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sinful Conception
  • F**k her.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Texas Sphincters
  • So he made their fans.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, School, Miscellaneous

  • Marc Maron: The Appeal of George W. Bush
  • He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Lizz Winstead: Jesse Helms
  • You know the last time Jesse Helms kissed a Jew, he got 30 pieces of silver for it.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Shoulda Gone to A.A.
  • The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Yoga Instructor Booty Call... Free
  • Free yourself from your mind... as well as your pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Upholding the Cloth
  • And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • A Wrinkle in Time
  • "Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Dyslexic Devil Worshipper
  • He sold his soul to Santa.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Earthquake: Expensive Church
  • Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled my own plate, started passing that around.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Theo Von: Real Christian Home
  • We grew up in a real Christian home. If we jerked off, my dad made us bury it in the yard.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Blair Butler: Little Children
  • I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • A Clitoris, an Anniversary and a Toilet
  • A: Men usually miss them.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Rickey Smiley: White Church
  • I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Flying Condom
  • A: It got pissed off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Lab Monkeys
  • What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

    Rhesus Pieces.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Definition of Agony
  • A: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Insults, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Brett Butler: Beer With No Alcohol
  • Beer with no alcohol -- what a taste. That is like a nun with a D-cup.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Confession
  • "Yes, and two very good leads!"

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Lawyer, School, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Law School for Nuns
  • A sister-in-law.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Cannibal Etiquette
  • They gave him the cold shoulder.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Doug Stanhope: Necrophiliacs
  • I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Well-Endowed Queen
  • A pain in the ass!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Weiner Eater
  • A zipper!

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Men are Simple
  • She wanted to start with something simple.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Jim David: From Within
  • Beauty comes from within -- like gas.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Archeological Gag
  • A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Prune Pizza
  • Pizzeria!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Tom Segura: It Counts
  • You ever sh*t so big, you tell yourself it counts as exercise?

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Baby Drink
  • A: Stick it in the blender.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • How does herpes leave the hospital?
  • On crotches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Fishsticks are for Lovahs
  • And the kid replies, “Well, you have a little tarter sauce on your mouth.”

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Interesting Appearance. Not Normal
  • Ugly!

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Maxi Pad to the Fart
  • Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

    A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Spider Diet
  • Burgers and flies.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Well Endowed and On the Prowl
  • "Moo."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Science Fiction Porn Titles
  • Planet Of The Babes

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Baldy Pants
  • A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Holding It In
  • A: A private tooter.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Showers Instead of Baths
  • A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • It's awful scary in these woods, mister!
  • "You're telling me, I have to walk out of them by myself!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Men With No Arms or Legs
  • On the floor? Matt.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Pantyhose
  • Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?

    A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Why Men Snore
  • Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?

    A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Toothbrush And The Toilet Paper
  • One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, 'Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.' Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Butt Cheeks
  • A: "Together, we can stop this s**t."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Tarzan Sees Elephants
  • Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

    A: Gulp.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Mike Sweeney: Cannibalism After a Crash
  • If you eat someone else in your airplane, do you get all their frequent flyer miles?

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • David Wain: The Perfect Day
  • I just spend the whole afternoon lounging in the pool, farting. The bubbles rising, rising and exploding with the aroma of the fish and meat buffet I gorged on an hour before. And then -- a little teeny-weeny piece of pooh comes out my butt.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Incontinent Vegetarian
  • A salad shooter.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Equal-Opportunity Gas
  • A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Turtle Soup
  • "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging...
  • Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Poor Fly
  • A: His butt.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Perils of Flatulence
  • Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dragging Their Feet
  • The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • A Little Cannibalism Humor
  • Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Sheng Wang: Central Park Carriage Rides
  • Few things make your park experience more romantic than returning to a simpler time when people were totally cool with the smell of horsesh*t wafting by.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • The Hurt Bird and the S**t
  • The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Shaking Things Up
  • "How do you turn them off?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The worse thing after an orgy
  • Waking up in the morning after after an orgy with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What, No Golden Goose?
  • A man comes home late one night, drunk.
    "Where have you been?" asks his wife.
    "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
    "Do you

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What is red and green?
  • What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
    A frog in a blender

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • There she blows
  • A: Lots of room.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • An Assortment of Nuts
  • A: A penis in your mouth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Bottom Line
  • Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Smallest Hotel
  • A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • You-Wanna-Do-What-To-Me-Elmo?
  • Bait!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Happy Birthdead To You
  • A dead puppy!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Baby Jobs
  • He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, News & Politics, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Goverment Wrestling Federation
  • Back

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Little Johnny Gives to the Sick
  • Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it:  FOR THESICK.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Chips and Dip
  • A: Doritos.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Brain Fart
  • A: Her ears flap.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Snobby Tampons
  • Q: What did one tampon say to the other?

    A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • The Blonde and Car Maintenance
  • A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

    "What was the matter?" she asks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dead Blonde in Closet
  • A: The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Wet Cigarettes
  • Q: What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?

    A: A soggy butt.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • English, Irish & Scottish Football
  • "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman. "But I seem to have lost my appetite."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • What do you call a blonde with a dollar ...
  • A: All you can eat under a buck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Brian Posehn: City Homeless
  • I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Wizard of Oz
  • The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Baby Zombies

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Woman from Ealing (Limerick)
  • There was a young lady from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling.

    She lay on her back, opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Three Men with Three Wishes
  • The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Twisted Baby Joke
  • What is more fun that stapeling babies to a wall?
    Ripping them off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Star Trek & Toilet Paper
  • A: They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Taking Out the Garbage
  • A: One dead person in ten trashcans!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Working Up a Sweat with Your Cousin
  • Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin?

    A: Relative humidity.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • The Vampire
  • 'Sure,' replied God, 'but only once a month.' And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Gross

  • Ryan Hamilton: Love My Cell Phone
  • I love my cell phone. Not only can I communicate mobile-y, but it sucks all the grease right off my face.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Bravery
  • A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Ben Bailey: Summer NYC Smells
  • You walk one block in Manhattan in July, you smell a hundred different smells that could down a horse.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Chilling with Eskimos
  • A. Polaroids.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Too Much Tea
  • Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

    A: He drowned in his own tea pee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Kurt Metzger: The Only Animals in All of Nature
  • You know, human beings are the only animal in all of nature that sometimes shoves other animals up their ass.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • Wacked-Out Restaurant
  • The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Foot-Long Carrot
  • Her friend answers, "No -- that dirty."

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Margaret Smith: Shake It
  • They shake it at the end, did you know that? If women had penises, we would not shake them -- we would dab.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Rejected Greeting Card -- Sorry
  • I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Ray James: Masturbating in the Shower
  • The amazing thing is, when you learn to masturbate in a shower, it only takes a minute before the rest of the team is kicking your ass.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Switched Ends
  • Bob: "Hey, Sue, why is there a tampon hanging out of your mouth?"

    Sue: "Oh my God. What did I do with my cigarette?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • A Crappy Trait
  • A: It runs in your genes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dog Abilities
  • A: Same reason.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Werewolf
  • "No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Having to Take a Whisper
  • The father said, 'OK. Here, whisper in my ear.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Leper Poker Game
  • Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game?

    A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Grosser Than Gross... Vampires
  • A: Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Blonde and the Deodorant
  • The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Three Generals
  • The general said, 'I left them back in Vietnam.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • John Caponera: Strong Drinks
  • Some of these drinks will knock you out. I was drinking that Sex on the Beach last night, had about six of them. Woke up this morning with sand in the crack of my ass.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Jeffrey Dahmer Ends the Relationship
  • Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?

    A: He wiped.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dave Attell: Favorite Apartment Game
  • You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Drummers & Laxatives
  • A: They irritate the s**t out of everyone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Two Boots
  • "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Julian McCullough: Public Restroom Fears
  • I went to use the bathroom, and the door to the bathroom, not only was it not locked, it was open a crack. So, I just swung the door open, and my second biggest fear happened: guy right there, 10 inches away, taking a dump. Eye contact, boom. I say my sec

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Rhyming Riddles Are The Best
  • An asp in the grass is a snake, but a grasp in the ass is a goose.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • One Clean Joke, Two Dirty Jokes
  • Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was his neighbor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Retta: Next for the Bathroom
  • Ladies, have you ever been in the bathroom in a public place or at a party, and there is someone else who wishes to come in next, but instead of politely knocking on the door or gently trying the knob, they attack the door like a rookie DEA agent on his f

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Mommy, Mommy!
  • "Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
    "Shut up and eat your corn flakes."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Three Girls Go Camping
  • Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, School, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dan Devido: Fraternity Fish
  • I was gonna join this fraternity, but they make you do crazy stunts, so I had to swallow five live goldfish to join -- and I tried. I swallowed two, and I felt so guilty that I swallowed a pound of pebbles and a little filter and a little man in a scuba s

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • Leper Hockey
  • Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?

    A: There was a face-off in the corner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Big Tongue
  • A: Well hung.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Very Robust Zacklies
  • "Yeah, your breath smells zacklie like your butt!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Amish Life
  • A: A mechanic!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Fly
  • But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to piss on?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Craig Shoemaker: Circumcision
  • I was circumcised by a band saw.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Unwanted Compliment
  • Q: What compliment do you NOT want from a midget?

    A: Wow! Your hair smells good!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Bear & Toilet
  • A: Winnie the Pooh.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Did you hear....?
  • He drowned in his teepee!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Desperation of the Undead
  • A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Snack Food
  • "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Legless Cow
  • A: Ground beef.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Star Trek
  • A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Microwaves
  • A: A baby in a microwave!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • Jon Fisch: Fantastic Membership
  • Just joined New York Sports Club, which is fantastic. Now I have a bathroom on every block.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Shih-Tzu + Poodle
  • A: A Shih-Tzpoo

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • 40 Feet Long and Stinky
  • A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Farting Into the Great Beyond
  • Your fart was so loud that astronauts in space mistook it for a message from Houston!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Growing Old
  • The third old man said, "I can take a crap at 6 a.m. and a piss at 11 a.m. I just wish I could get up before noon."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Day Owl and The Night Cat
  • The cat replies, "He is here!' and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Elephant Tampon
  • A: A sheep.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Grosser Than Gross... Porn
  • A: People who watch it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • To Boldly Go...
  • Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?

    A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Arthur
  • Arthur any better jokes on this site?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Tough Ass
  • The guy who gave it to him.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Talking Out of Your Ass
  • If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • A Prayer Before Dying
  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming like the passengers in his car.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • This Joke Hurts
  • A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"The doctor lo

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Big Ben Surprise
  • A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Harvard Rat Study
  • There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, School, Miscellaneous

  • Godfrey: The DeVry Institute
  • You know your school is crappy when they advertise it on the subway.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, School, Miscellaneous

  • California
  • A: Hella.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Tries Horseback Riding
  • Just as she loses consciousness, the carousel stops.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Barbie & Paris
  • A: They are both blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Mime in a Forest Riddle
  • A mime is walking aimlessly through a forest.

    A tree falls on him.

    Does anyone care?

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Engineers & Light Bulbs
  • A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Hari Kondabolu: Progressive City
  • I just got back from Portland, Oregon. Portland, of course, is a very progressive city, one that does not spay or neuter its hippie population. So there is an overabundance.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Woman Without an A**hole
  • Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?

    A: Divorced.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Helps with Laundry
  • The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Puzzle
  • Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

    A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Tap Dancer
  • A: She fell in the sink.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Buried Lawyers
  • Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?

    A: Not enough sand.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Basement Full of Blondes
  • A: A whine cellar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Driver
  • A: Her blinker was on.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Confusing Blonde
  • A: She comes out and says she did.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Finding Small Penises
  • If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde vs. Ratings System
  • A: She called 16 friends to come meet her.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Simple Men and Light Bulbs
  • Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?

    A: One -- because men will screw anything.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Kathleen Madigan: Marathons
  • The only sport I absolutely refuse to watch? Marathon running. Uh -- that looks like a bunch of anorexics in a hurry to get a burger.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde vs. Crime Rate
  • A: She moved.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Feel Like a Woman
  • A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Clinton, Bush & Washington
  • Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, School, Miscellaneous

  • Harvard Graduate
  • Pay him for the pizza.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Tom Shillue: Golf Is Boring Enough
  • Golf is boring enough to play, never mind watch it on TV, but then, to make it extra boring, they actually show slow motion replays. What the hell do you learn by watching a guy putt in slow motion?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Urinalotta Trouble
  • Above the urinal, written on the wall:
    Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • We Cause Blindness
  • How do you make a woman blind?
    Put a windshield in front of her!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Preferential Treatment
  • A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.
    "Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.
    "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.
    "No, your boyfriend told me that!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Laughing Washing Machine
  • Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Rene Hicks: Family Reunions
  • Last weekend, I went to my family reunion. And you people know, family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Love-Handles
  • The blonde exclaims, "Holy s**t! What did you do with my ears?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Coffee Drinker
  • The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Four Blondes in a Pickup
  • She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bucket of What?
  • A: The bucket!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Chris Regan: Cruise Clientele
  • If we were hauling any more trash into the ocean, we would have been boarded by Greenpeace.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Ted Alexandro: Squad Car Cop Is to Cop on a Bike...
  • I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Waisted
  • A waste.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bad Lawyer
  • Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

    A: Senator.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Insults

  • Monkey Brains
  • A: Hopefully you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Hostage Escape Tactics
  • A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

    Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Invention
  • A: Ejection seats in helicopters.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Arceneux & Mitchell: On Michael Jackson
  • I can remember when you were a little, short black boy with an afro. Now, you are a tall white woman with a perm.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • An Ugly Position
  • A: Ask your parents.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Brain
  • A: Inflate it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Eugene Mirman: Poorest Neighborhood in North America
  • I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America -- which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Stuffing
  • A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • The Mathematics of Love
  • Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Law School Graduation Gift
  • Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from law school?

    A: A lobotomy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tommy Johnagin: The Hardest Thing at Community College
  • The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • So Blonde... Thesaurus
  • She is so blonde, she thinks a thesaurus is a dinosaur.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Yeehaw! The Alabama Lottery!
  • Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can win $20 dollars every year for the next million years.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Dwayne Perkins: Returning to Africa
  • For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Michigan State Fans
  • Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?

    A: A whine cellar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers and Walls
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?

    A: Depends on how deep you stack them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Cruel Joke
  • A: Cancer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Such Talent
  • You sing so well you belong on a stage....... coach one leaves in five minutes!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brunette vs. Garbage
  • A: At least the garbage gets taken out once a week.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Sunday
  • A: Because the sun was out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Two Chance Blonde
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?

    A: She blew it both times.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Lewis Black: Difference Between Democrats and Republicans
  • What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde & Missed Bus
  • She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Suzanne Whang: Difference Between a Grocery Bag and Michael Jackson
  • What is the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson? One is made of white plastic and is dangerous to children, and the other one is a grocery bag.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • The Stick
  • 'Did you ever find the guy?'
    'What guy?'
    'The guy who beat you with the ugly stick!'

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Eddie Ifft: Growing Up With Three Sisters
  • I grew up in a house full of women. I had three sisters. And you know women, when they live together, they get on the same cycle, so when they would have their period, it was like there was a nuclear explosion in my house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Steve Marmel: Pauly Shore vs. Bill Clinton
  • Pauly Shore gets better ass than our president.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Jackass
  • Q. Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?

    A. Show me your license.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • So Blonde... 60 Minutes
  • She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Mirror
  • Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?
    A.When we see your face we both crack up!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • JB Smoove: Sound System
  • I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Russian Beauties
  • A tourist.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bonus Time
  • A: Your wife will always blow your bonus.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • One-Eyed Blonde
  • The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sexy Donuts
  • Fred, Bob and Mike visit a whorehouse.

    Fred comes out of the first bedroom and says, "She put a powdered donut on my d**k."

    Bob comes out of the second bedroom and says, "She put a glazed donut on my d**k."

    Mike comes out of the third bedroom, ho

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dumb Brunettes
  • A: Peroxide.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Vince Morris: Dad Was a Bigot
  • My dad was a bigot. He was prejudiced to the core -- and the one race he truly hated the most were the humans.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Wanda Sykes: Florida Strip Clubs
  • Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to just a brass pole.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Six and Five
  • Q: What has six boobs and five teeth?

    A: The night shift at Waffle House.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Tell Me Everything
  • Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Definition of Diplomacy
  • A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Tommy Sledge: Sweating
  • I was sweating like a beach full of albinos.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Higher Learning
  • Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?

    A: A visitor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Short Blonde Jokes
  • A: So brunettes can remember them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Get What?
  • That stupid look on your face!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Liverpool Football
  • Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?

    A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Insults
  • You have "mint" breath.
    Mint to brush your teeth and forgot!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dave Attell: Michael Bolton
  • What do you think of that Michael Bolton? What do you think of her -- do you like her?

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Speeding to the Chicago Bear
  • On the first offense, they give you Bears tickets; on the second offense, they make you use them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Secret of Women
  • Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

    A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Makeup
  • A: She was trying to make up her mind.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Bald Bubble
  • Are you really that bald, or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Marsha Warfield: What Is a Bitch?
  • I think a bitch is a kind of woman who would wear a mirror on the back of her skirt so you can see what kind of fool you are when she tells you to kiss her ass.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Face Loan
  • My ass is going on vacation.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Human Race
  • As an outside observer, what do you think of the human race?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A Blonde & Her Waitress
  • A: "What did you name the other one?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Insults, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Pig in a Bar
  • A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

    Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

    And the bartender says, 'Excuse me, I was talking to

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sleeping Blonde
  • Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?

    A: She forgot to close her eyes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Californians & Granola Bars
  • A: They both contain nuts and flakes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Sexist Pig Joke
  • So they can get from the bedroom to the kitchen!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Richard Lewis: Third Class Mail
  • First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Demetri Martin: How to Be a Bouncer
  • How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a**hole; 2) stand near a door.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month
  • I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • The Comeback Supremo
  • If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & License Plates
  • A: She changed her name to JKM345.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Do the World a Favor
  • Do the world a favor and drink a bullet, stupid.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • A Clean Idiot
  • A: Soap on a dope.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Ford Cars vs. Golf Balls
  • A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Skydiver
  • She missed the Earth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • W. Kamau Bell: On Condoleezza Rice
  • Condoleezza Rice -- never before has so much evil come together with so much ugly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Jonathan Solomon: On George H. W. Bush
  • He reminds me of the kid in fifth grade who reminded the teacher she forgot to give the homework.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • So many to choose from
  • A: In a catalogue.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Friends of Musicians
  • A: A drummer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • I.Q.
  • Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Hole Truth
  • Q: Why do men have holes in their penises?

    A: To get oxygen to their brains.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Godfrey: Black History Month
  • Thanks for the shortest month, asses -- and the coldest.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • No Knock Knocks for Blondes
  • A: They always leave to go answer the door.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer and Sperm
  • Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

    A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein ...
  • The bucket.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • The Polish Navy
  • Q: How do you sink a Polish ship?

    A: Put it in water.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Why PMS?
  • Q: Why do they call it PMS?

    A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Shorty
  • You are so small that when it rains, you are the last to know.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Four Ghosts of the White House

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The roof is on fire
  • A: A blonde trying to burn it down

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Daniel Tosh: Watching Soccer
  • If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable -- unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde on Blonde
  • A: A wind tunnel.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous

  • Stupid People Euphemisms
  • -- Not the brightest crayon in the box
    -- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
    -- Not the funniest clown in the circus
    -- Not the fastest horse in the race
    -- Not the sharpest tool in the shed
    -- Not the brightest star in the sky
    -- Not the most lik

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Proops: White People in Isolation
  • You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be? Riverdance.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Cereal Killer
  • A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Safe Sex Lawyers
  • Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

    A: Their personalities.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • So Blonde... Taco Bell
  • She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • A New Set of Golf Clubs
  • Jim: "Great trade!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • So Blonde... "Soul Train"
  • She is so blonde, she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • Tardy Blonde
  • Q: Why was the blonde late for work?

    A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The State of Lawyers
  • Q: Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?

    A: Because New Jersey got first pick.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flighty Blonde
  • A: "Must be an earthquake."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jimmy Learns a New Word
  • His father said, 'Everything outside this circle.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Frank Santorelli: Growing Up Italian
  • I grew up in an Italian family. Kinda strange, my mother taught me how to shave.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • So Blonde... Airport Left
  • She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham & Walter: Not-So-Bright Son
  • I tell you boy, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • The Cookies Crumbled
  • A beat-up girl scout.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Christopher Titus: Newborn
  • I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • Ted Alexandro: Art Teachers
  • I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tig: Finished School Early
  • I was one of those kids that finished school early by dropping out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Useless Tickets
  • A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.

    A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, "Why do you want another one?"

    The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • The Call of Nature
  • One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute,

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Blossom & Porky
  • The little girl answered, "Because he f**ks pigs."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Only a Head
  • A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

    The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. Af

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • There was a little girl named Fufu ...
  • He said, "YOU ARE SUSPENDED!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Daughters in a Divorce
  • I got two daughters, and I was divorced when they were young. They were, like, four and two, and they took it tough because I told them it was their fault.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Margaret Smith: Adoption
  • I became a mom myself for the first time. I actually adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Marder: Growing Up
  • I was growing up as a kid, which is the best time to grow up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Lego my Legolas
  • A: Elf-elf-a

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Stephen Lynch: A Song for a Special Friend
  • I ran track, hung out in malls / Fred ran head first into walls. / I had girls and lots of clothes / Fred had names for all his toes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • A Joke of Genius
  • A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Birdman
  • Mother: "We need the eggs."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Eddie Sarfaty: Confused in High School
  • I had this girlfriend in high school, and we had sex, and at first I thought that was kind of hot... but I knew there was something wrong. I was kind of confused, so I went to see my guidance counselor, and the sex with him was so much better.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Teaching a Buncha Hooligans
  • "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, School, Miscellaneous

  • Jim David: Capital Punishment
  • I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the eighth grade level.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Zookeeper and Three Boys
  • The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Soda Pop
  • The third girl says, "Exactly."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
  • "Oh," replies the little girl. "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Kiley: Pregnant Wife
  • When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Thea Vidale: Love My Children
  • I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff -- when I let them out of the shed.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Kangaroo Sleepovers
  • A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Cotter: Late-Term Abortion
  • I believe in late-term abortion, like all the way up to 5th grade, because some kids suck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A little boy wrote to Santa ...
  • One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
    Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • West Virginia Custody Battle
  • An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

    The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the s

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • The Michael Jackson Doll
  • Q: Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?

    A: You wind it up and it plays with your kids.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • First Day of School
  • A: Bison

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Lawyer, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Parachutes for two
  • "Do we have time?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Marsupial Moms
  • Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains?

    A: Because the kids have to play inside.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Rhodes: Arguing Parents
  • My parents are divorced. It was ugly. My parents argued all the time before they got divorced. Came home -- my parents started wearing their wedding rings on their middle fingers.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jamie Kaler: Learned in My Car
  • I learned in my car that I could not have children. It was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Nardizzi: The Four Kids and a Wife
  • I got the four kids and a wife, which is five more than I wanted.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dan St. Germain: Child Actors
  • I really think that the lives of child actors are way more depressing than child soldiers.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Kite Tails and Rejection
  • The father then tells the son, 'Son, I will never understand your mom. Last night when we were having 'fun', I asked her for more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Musical Chairs
  • A: "Here comes another a**hole."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Thumb Sucking
  • A mom, dad and their two sons watch TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing and go upstairs to take a peek.

    "Well," says the older boy, "remember this when mom gets on your case for sucki

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • After-School Snack
  • A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Jasper Reed: Tooth Fairy Visit
  • When I was five years old, I lost my two front teeths, and I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy. And the next morning when I woke up, to my surprise, under my pillow, I found a joint.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Confused Boy
  • A: His daddy was really a mummy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Dana Gould: A Bit About Me
  • I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Al Jackson: Splitting Up Toy Soldiers
  • My cousins were all bigger than me, so they would take the army guys in the cool positions. So, the only dude I had left was the dude on the phone. So really, my army just looked like 10 gay guys waiting on their lattes at Starbucks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Margaret Smith: Taking Parents to the Airport
  • I actually just brought them back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Birthday Surprise
  • When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • Eugene Mirman: In Special Education
  • They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Peeing in the Pool
  • 'Not from the diving board!' shouted the lifeguard.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Subway Series School
  • Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things
  • A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Two Dogs Humping
  • The son says, "It figures -- every time you try to help someone out, you always get screwed."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Little Girl on a Swing
  • Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

    A: She had no arms.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Natasha Leggero: Having a Baby
  • Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Need a Push?
  • A: She had no arms.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Clean Joke, Dirty Joke
  • He took a bath.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Stilson: Giving Birth
  • I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again -- not even on we

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Fish Brains
  • A: "Dam."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Shine On You Crazy Fratboy!
  • One but he has to get it drunk first.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • This Joke Is Toast
  • A: Jammies.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Loni Love: Bring Your Kids to Work Day
  • Bring Your Kids to Work Day -- who the hell thought of this? People go to work to leave their damn kids.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Time Flies
  • A: He wanted to see time fly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers on the Beach
  • Cats keep covering them over with sand.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Christopher Titus: Benadryl
  • Benadryl -- the seven-dollar babysitter.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Mommy, Mommy! 2
  • "Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Royale Watkins: Do You Like Kids?
  • If a young girl asks you if you like kids, she is curious. Older woman asks you if you like kids, you know what that really means? She has some kids!

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Byron Yee: One of Three Minorities
  • Where I grew up in Oklahoma City, I was one of only three minorities. There was me, a black guy and a smart guy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Kids

  • Boys Know Their Fathers
  • The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Becky Pedigo: Dreams Come True
  • Never give up, because your dreams can come true. Take me, for example: when I was a kid, I really wanted to be invisible. So then, I grew up, and I moved to L.A.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Voices! Voices! Shut up!
  • Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, 'Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!'

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Jumper
  • A: I take off my shoes when I jump on a trampoline.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Zip, Dick and Pea
  • There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Dick, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside.

    The teacher returns and

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Richard Lewis: Mother
  • She was like a bowling alley with lipstick.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Kiley: Old Fashioned Names
  • We picked out kinda old fashioned names for our kids. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Ryan Stout: Beijing Fire
  • Beijing, China schoolhouse burned down. Did you see that? Killed 25 kids -- awful. And the worst part is, they all got out of the building OK, but they just ran around it and then darted back inside. I mean, what kind of drills are they teaching these kid

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Stoopid Baby Names
  • The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Cathy Ladman: Barbie vs. Tammy
  • Barbie had all of these great accessories. She came with a Dream House. Tammy came with a straight razor with band-aids to cover the cuts on her legs -- what a loser.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tony Camin: Kindergarten Rules
  • I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten -- for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Catching Rabbits
  • A: Tame way.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Little Johnny, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Sex Ed
  • “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Finesse Mitchell: The Younger the Mama
  • My mom had me when she was 15, so I know the younger the mama, the more jacked up your name will be.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Andrew Kennedy: Growing Up in Hong Kong
  • We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Think about that for a second -- everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Some Plants
  • "I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Talking in Numbers
  • A: Because seven ate nine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • What do you call an elephant...
  • A: Stuck

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo
  • A pouch potato.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Inky Pig
  • Because it came out of the pen.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, School, Miscellaneous

  • Math Sucks
  • A: Because it has a lot of problems.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Kids, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Technology-Enabled Amoebas

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers and Lightbulbs
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
    A: One but it has to have a good case.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers Off Bridge...
  • Solution.

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous

  • Confused Child in Wedding Party
  • When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the ring bear."

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers in the Trees
  • Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Substituting Rats for Lawyers
  • Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests?
    Three reasons:
    1. There are more lawers then rats.
    2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
    3. There are some things a rat will not do.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer vs. Vulture
  • A: Wings.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • A Lawyer and A Politician
  • What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
    Chelsea Clinton.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • What Do You Call?
  • A total waste of space!

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • 500 lawyers in the ocean
  • A good start.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • What Did A Lawyer Name His ...
  • Sue!

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • De-evolution
  • At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Honest Lawyer
  • When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?
    When his lips are shut.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Roosters vs. Lawyers
  • The rooster clucks defiance.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
  • A. Three...the rest are all true.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Screwing the Justice System
  • Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer vs. Snake
  • The snake had skid marks in front of him.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • An Honest Lawyer
  • An oxymoron.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Shark Attack
  • Professional courtesy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • The Test
  • A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

    The engineer went in first and was asked, ''What is 2+2?'' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''4.''

    Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the sa

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Work

  • Skydiving
  • A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Saddam Hussein in a Foxhole
  • Shoot the lawyer twice.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer vs. Hooker
  • Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

    A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Sharing
  • Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Brass Rat
  • "Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator
  • Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
    A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Legalese
  • Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Work

  • Practice
  • Skeet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyers and Lightbulbs, Case #2
  • A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his ...
  • It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Lawyer, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer in a Tree
  • Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?

    A: Cut the rope.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Deathbed Lawyer
  • Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
    He was looking for loopholes!

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Invention of the Copper Wire
  • Do you know how copper wire was invented?

    Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • A good lawyer knows the law a great lawyer ...
  • A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • F. Lee Bailey Love
  • One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke!!

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Singled-Celled Lawyer
  • One wears a tie.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Mark Roberts: Disappointed Women
  • When I got married, I disappointed a lot of women. Now I can pretty much concentrate on disappointing just the one.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dov Davidoff: If Every Other Guy Were Gay
  • I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Hauntings at Married Men?s Houses
  • Jeff Dunham and WalterWalter: I think my house is haunted.Jeff Dunham: Why do you think that?Walter: My wife is there

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Perception of Marriage
  • Walter: Heh, remember when you said ?Til death do us part? ?Jeff Dunham: Yeah?Walter: Later, you realize you were actually setting a goal.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Adam Ferrara: Love This Girl
  • The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Karen Anderson: Best Day Ever
  • I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend -- with my car.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Laurie Kilmartin: Immigrant Boyfriend
  • Nothing helps you win an argument like having the INS on speed-dial.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Earthquake: O.J. Messed It Up
  • I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Rhodes: Love Is Powerful Stuff
  • Love is powerful stuff, man. Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your sh*t -- just to get away from that person.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Three Rings
  • Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

    A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Robin Montague: Talk Too Much
  • My man tried to leave me for talking too much, but I talked him out of it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Johnny Lampert: Like the Day We Met
  • My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met -- like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Marriage Counseling
  • I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man
  • My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dan St. Germain: Video Game Nuptials
  • A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Cathy Ladman: The Problem With Marriage
  • The problem with marriage is it involves men and women.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: On Same-Sex Marriage Protestors
  • If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Laura Kightlinger: Special Guy
  • I have a man in my life. He is so special. This guy -- he kisses me before we do it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tracy Smith: Shaving for a Hot Date
  • I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so stupid. I look like a great big naked baby.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Marriage, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Staggering Husband
  • Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

    A: Shoot him again.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dan Devido: Really Safe Sex
  • We practice safe sex. We practice really safe sex. The other night during sex, we had a fire drill.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Octopus Love
  • A: "I want to hold your hand. Er, hands."

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Landry: Anything to Make Him Happy
  • I would do anything to make my husband happy -- anything to make him happy -- except cook or clean or shut the f**k up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Sue Kolinsky: Changes in Dating
  • Far cry from when our parents got married, huh?... Probably the first time they had sex was on their honeymoon. Boy, times have changed. Not only have I had sex with my boyfriend, so have some of my girlfriends.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • John Heffron: Want to Get Married
  • I kind of wanted to get married to get my first marriage out of the way.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Wedding Day Bliss
  • A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

    The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."


  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Burn
  • She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Teddy Carpenter: My Type of Woman in a Bed
  • I want me a big black girl.... type of woman that lies in the bed, looks like a big old hole in the sheets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Dumped by His Girlfriend
  • A: He was nuts over her.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Women and Bad Weather
  • Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

    A: They all get the house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Tony Stone: Married Once
  • I was married at one time -- which is not the same as having sex, but an incredible simulation.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dana Gould: M.A.N.D.Y.
  • I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jake Johannsen: If Love Was Easy
  • If love was easy, there would be almost no music.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Benson: Recent Break Up
  • Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Lisa Lampanelli: Italian Husband
  • He is the prototypical Italian. He is so Italian, when he gave me my ring, it still had a finger in it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Gina Brillon: Already Have a Boyfriend
  • I actually have a boyfriend now -- sorry, ladies.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Maria Bamford: Just a Really Nice Guy
  • I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, like, a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Ajai Sanders: Dating Those Black Men
  • I thought I was real racist because I was liking those black men -- so black that if you looked at a picture of them, it looks like a negative.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • $100 Bill Tattoo
  • He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Frosty Divorce
  • A: He thought his wife was a flake.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Scream & Groan
  • A: Let her catch you doing it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Geoff Keith: Three Requirements
  • I only have three requirements when it comes to girls. Ready? One: are you a girl? Have you always been a girl? And, if not, can you keep a secret?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Stanhope: Sex Is a Narrow Avenue
  • Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bob Oschack: Dabbling in Marriage
  • Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Williams: Living Next to White People
  • Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Lesbian Dinosaur
  • A: Lickalotopuss.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • T. Sean Shannon: Mutual Decision
  • We were dating two years. We broke up. It was a mutual decision. Her and all her friends got together -- they took a little vote.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Adventures in Disneyland
  • So they went home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Man From Cass Limerick
  • There once was a man from Cass.
    Whose balls were made out of brass.
    When they tinkled together,
    They played "Stormy Weather"
    And lightning shot out of his ass.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Amy Schumer: Dating a Deaf Guy
  • We had to break up, though. We wanted different things -- like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Divorce
  • A: None, because they never get the house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Royale Watkins: Fifth Anniversary
  • Last night, my wife and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. You know what five years is? Just long enough for me to think this one might not work out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde in Freezer
  • A: A Frosted Flake.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nathan Trenholm: One Night Stand
  • Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Stilson: Secret to a Successful Marriage
  • I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Patton Oswalt: Women Like Coffee
  • I love women, I really do. I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Flash Me
  • A: A blonde at a flashing red light.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Madame President
  • Bill Clinton.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Get Busy
  • How do you keep an idiot busy? (see above)

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde, Brunette, Blonde
  • A: The translator.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Intelligent Preference
  • A: Opposites attract.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Man of the House
  • Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde in Disguise
  • "Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde License
  • A: She had an "F" under "Sex."

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ego Killer
  • A: "Is it in yet?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Catch a Bra
  • A: Set up a boobie trap.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • A Problemic Polemic
  • A: Who knows why the heck they do anything?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Lightbulb
  • A: One hundred -- one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Confusion
  • A: Tell her a blonde joke.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Laptop
  • The blonde operates on more laptops!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes & Candles
  • A: She lights it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Email
  • A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes in a Circle
  • A: A dope ring.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, School, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Alumna
  • "Would you like fries with that?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Chainsaw Massacre
  • A: Dead.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Christmas Blondes
  • A: Ho, ho, ho!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Crossing the Lake
  • "You are on the other side," the other shouts back.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Five-Pound Fly
  • A: Unzip it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pig!
  • They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Blonde and Her Melons
  • The blonde giggles and says, 'If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde in a Leather Jacket
  • A: A rebel without a clue.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Blonde Fox
  • She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bang Bang!
  • A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & Goldfish
  • A blonde bought some goldfish, but she did not know how to feed them. She called her brunette friend for help. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, 'Now, what do I give them to drink?'

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Eternity
  • A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Marc Maron: Married Once Before
  • I was married once before, and I stopped.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Muffler
  • "Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Microwave Cookery
  • So blondes could cook, too!

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bigamy
  • A: More than one mother-in-law.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Deserted Island
  • On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English w

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Geriatric Breasts
  • A: A belly button.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde at the Elmo Factory
  • The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles -- not two testicles!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes in a Box
  • A: A case of empties!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Fly Away
  • A: A space invader.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Ambition
  • A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Male Bashing
  • A: Whistle through his pecker.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Behrendt: Reasoning With the Girlfriend
  • I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Brain Cells
  • A: Alone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Hungry Blonde
  • A: Fat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Natural Blonde
  • A: Artifical intelligence.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Gone Camping
  • A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Kevin Kataoka: Good Old Days
  • Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde on a Fence
  • A: To see what was on the other side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Multi-purpose
  • Give her a shovel.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • The Perfect Husband

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Clams Casino
  • A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brunette, Blonde, Brunette
  • A: A mental block.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bad Food
  • A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term h

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Pop Goes The Blonde
  • "Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Feminists Change a Light Bulb
  • A: 20. One to change the bulb and 19 to make a documentary about it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ooopsies
  • How can you tell a blond has been working at a computer?
    There is white out all over the screen.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Number of Blonde Jokes
  • Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

    A: One. The rest are all true stories.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes & Ice Cubes
  • A: Because they always forget the recipe.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Bad Pickup Line
  • Because I can sure see myself in them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brunette Meets Genie
  • The brunette says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes & Bottle Caps
  • A: The bottle cap said, "Sorry, try again."

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Husband Detector
  • A widow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Grenadier
  • A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Ice Hole
  • "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • A Death in the Family
  • She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Bicycle
  • A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Gets a Job
  • A: She told them she was good at handling members.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Ash Blonde
  • A: She fell out of the tree.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Radio
  • A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Homeward Blonde
  • Build a circular driveway.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Jokes
  • A: So brunettes can understand them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & Brunette on a Cliff
  • A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes & Airplanes
  • The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Blond with a cell phone
  • She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Hair
  • A: She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes Love Blonde Jokes
  • A: It makes them feel popular.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Naval Destroyer
  • A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • The 69ers
  • Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Date Night Driving Arrangements
  • She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone -- logistical nightmare.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dave Attell: Never Get Girls in the Movies
  • Guys like me never get girls in the movies, right? You never see a guy like me with a girl. Alright -- we get them, and then somebody unties them.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Myq Kaplan: Jewish Divorce Custom
  • My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Iranians
  • Because none of them are blonde.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Bird Killer
  • A: She throws it off a cliff.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Banana Peel
  • "Here we go again!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Artificial Intelligence in a Bottle
  • A: Artificial intelligence.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blondes at a Drive-In
  • They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Divorced & Drunk
  • "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Job Application
  • A: "Lots."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Horror Movie Blonde
  • Q: What do you call the blonde in a horror movie?

    A: Dead meat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde Laugh
  • A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Jay Mohr: Imperfections
  • Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • The Blonde and the Blinker
  • The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, 'Yes. No. Yes. No.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Men & Light Bulbs
  • A: Five. One to actually do the screwing and four others to brag that they did.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Nun Attack
  • A nun tells other nuns about how she was attacked the night before. She explains her escape, "I stopped and pulled my dress up."

    Shocked, the other nuns ask, "And then what?"

    "He pulled his pants down," the nun replies, "And then I ran. A nun with h

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Men and Lightbulbs
  • You have to screw both of them to get a response!

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bridge to Hawaii
  • The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Icy Blonde
  • She got run over by the zamboni!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jags and Bucs
  • If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Hedgehog, Giraffe, Dental Hygeine
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
    A: A six-foot toothbrush.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Friends With Hookers
  • A: Support hos.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Kyle Kinane: In a Bar
  • I was in a bar the other day, or all the time -- you know how this goes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde on Fire
  • The blonde replied, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Brains

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Bar Ladder
  • Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
    A: She heard drinks were on the house.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: Head of the EPA
  • Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Amaryllis
  • Amaryllis state agent. Wanna buy a house?

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde & House
  • A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Dog Crossing
  • A: He saw some dog food.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous

  • Fast-Food Blondes
  • Parking for drive-through customers only!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Dog & Elephant
  • A: A very nervous postman.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Dishes
  • Dishes the police -- we have you surrounded!

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous

  • Chemistry, Duke and Bonkistry
  • WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Chicken in the Dirt
  • A: A dirty double-crosser.

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous

  • Fratboy
  • The defendant.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Ass Kissing & Brownnosing
  • A: Depth perception.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Dana Gould: The Beatles
  • If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Computer Chat
  • 010101101010101010101

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Felipe Esparza: Coalition Forces
  • The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Ghost Arrest
  • A: He had no haunting license.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Car Joke
  • A: To make a hot rod.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Blind Dinosaur
  • A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Kangaroo & Calendar
  • A: A leap year.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Darren Carter: Before Eminem
  • I used to be a rapper. I used to rap way before Eminem. They called me Skittles.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • No Arms & No Legs
  • A: Russell.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Bummer About the Factory Fire
  • Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down? Two hundred soles were lost.

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous

  • Geometry Humor
  • A: A tangent.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Gorilla and Computer
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer?

    A: Hairy Reasoner.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Hatch
  • Bless you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Flies in the Beer
  • An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Chelsea Handler: Falling Down
  • I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Beauty & the Beach
  • A: Nothing -- it just waved.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Ear Accident
  • "No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Highway
  • Highway 95 pounds.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Hanky
  • A: Put a little boogey in it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • Girls From Kentucky
  • Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

    A: A full set of teeth.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Dog Dancer
  • A: They have two left feet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous

  • The Ghost
  • Later that night, the second guy had to take a shit, so he s**t in some sheets and put it down the chute. The next morning, the third guy asked the second guy third guy asked the first guy how he slept, and he said, "I slept fine except I saw a ghost and

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Dog Days
  • A: A golden receiver.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Chicken Chat
  • A: He was studying foreign languages.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Balance Check
  • Q: What happened when the man asked the bank teller to check his balance?
    A: She pushed him over.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Happy Farmer
  • A: A jolly rancher.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dyslexic
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra...

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Afghani Joe
  • A: Osama bin Latte

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Garcia: Any Cops Here?
  • Cops are cool. Any cops here? No? I f**king hate cops.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Bald Fleas
  • A: Homeless.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Arkansas Fried Chicken
  • Two breasts and a left wing.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Hypertext is Funny!
  • Why do they call it hyper text?
    Too much JAVA.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock...Hatch
  • Bless you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Hogwarts Expulsion
  • He was caught playing with his broomstick.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Kyle Kinane: This Is America
  • This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Definition of Debt
  • Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Goliath
  • Goliath down -- you looketh tired!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Kangaphant
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
    Giant holes all over Africa!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Anthony Jeselnik: Great Grandmother Death
  • My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Cow Fun
  • A: The daily moos.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Hostile Happy Hour
  • He got bombed.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • The House
  • What kind of house weighs the least?

    A lighthouse.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • $8 Bill
  • The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • 18-Legged Fly-Catcher
  • A: A baseball team.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Judy Gold: Legroom
  • My mother always sits in the front passenger seat because she likes to have the legroom. You know, I could have a mute, paraplegic friend who needed a ride somewhere, and my mom will still sit in the front passenger seat because she wants to have the legr

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous

  • College Grads
  • A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Ethnic Joke
  • A: By looking over your shoulder.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Hurt Bee Back
  • A: He fell off his honey.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Alexander & Kermit
  • A: Their middle names.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Jolly Green Giant
  • A: He took a pea.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Fleas
  • A: "Shall we walk or take a dog?"

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Jon Dore: Ability to Hide
  • My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life -- all about strategy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, School, Miscellaneous

  • Drinking Game: Big Lebowski
  • I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Knock, Knock
  • Car go Beep Beep!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Elephants, Beavers & the Jungle
  • A: Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • The Burned Ears
  • A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

    He said, 'I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...'

    'But how the heck did you burn

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Ducks & Elephants
  • A: To put out burning ducks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Italian Boy
  • A: So he could look like his mama.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Dog Balls
  • A: Sparky.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism
  • We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Legless Charlie Brown
  • Q: What do you call Charlie Brown with no legs?

    A: Ground Chuck.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Abortion Bill
  • The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • How to Catch an Elephant
  • As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
    First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.
    Fill the hole with ashes.
    Line the hole with peas.
    And when your elephant comes to take a pe

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Harvard Attitude
  • The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Felipe Esparza: Going to Court
  • Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Charging Elephant
  • A: Take away his credit card.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Camouflage Clothing
  • He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Chicken on the Field
  • A: Because the umpire called a foul.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Faraway Books
  • A: A pager.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Inventions by Idiots
  • 5. Screen door on a submarine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Chris Hardwick: Hipster Eating
  • I honestly think hipsters eat with their a**holes because they consume everything wrong.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Irish Fun
  • Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
    They were riverdancing.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Broken Cage
  • A: "Cheap, cheap!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Eddie Gossling: Hobbies
  • One of my biggest hobbies? I like to rush to judgment.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Bad Boomerang
  • A: A stick.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Bovine Hijinx
  • A: They go to the moo-vies!

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Fox Hole
  • A: Bestiality.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Aging Explorer
  • The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Baseball Field
  • A: The fence.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Ghost Grope
  • A: A handful of sheet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Cricket
  • A: A bloody big cricket.

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Denis Leary: Jackson 5 Clothing
  • Jackson 5 to launch new clothing line. Sizes include large, medium and plaintiff.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Blue Collar, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Fish-Eating Competition
  • So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn't eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the compet

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Car Identity Crisis
  • A: When it turns into a parking lot.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Doggone It
  • A: Ruff!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Actual Instruction Labels...
  • ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
    Warning keep out of children.ON A HAIR DRYER:
    Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DI

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Beat the Casino
  • Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

    A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Knock, Knock... Cows Go
  • No, silly. Cows go, "Moo."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Geometry Fun
  • A: A vicious circle.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Down the Grapevine
  • A: "Great Balls of Fire."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous

  • Eye to Eye
  • A: "Just between you and me, something smells."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Bear & Deer
  • A: Beer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • The Ant
  • A. Because he was pissed off!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Cow Abortion
  • A: De-calf-i-nated.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous

  • Donkeys at Christmas
  • A: Mule-tide greetings.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Free of Charge
  • The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Antennas
  • The ceremony was long and boring, but the reception was great!

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Expensive New York City
  • I forgot how expensive this town is. Checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Baseball Humor
  • A: They always have their fans around.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • The Bar
  • A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Paul Varghese: Buying a Convertible
  • I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Mike Vecchione: One Man Neighborhood Watch
  • You know what I installed? One man neighborhood watch. Some people will call it a peeping tom; I call it one man neighborhood watch.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Barry Diamond: $6 Million House
  • I bought a $6 million house. I got a great deal on it: I put down $400; I have a mortgage of $31,000 every month. My idea is to live there for three months until they throw me the hell out of there.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Six-Ball Rip-Off
  • A: The lottery.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Coin Riddle
  • A: A quarter and a nickel. Only one of them is not a nickel.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: Parking Ticket
  • I got a $290 parking ticket today. Do you folks hear me? A $290 ticket, man. My car only cost $240.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Lawyer, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Lawyer Keeps His Promise
  • A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

    A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Banking & Sex
  • A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Wayne Federman: Actress Math
  • Shelia is an actress. She spends $40 three times a week for jazz classes at Alvin Ailey, $20 four times a week for technique classes at Sanford Meisner. How many lap dances at Scores will she have to do this weekend to balance her checkbook?

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Charlie Viracola: Cell Phone Minutes
  • I trick them during the day. I hide in a dark closet and make all my calls.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Jack Coen: The Old Days of Burial
  • Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Money

  • People in Grass Houses
  • The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Snow Parking
  • Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

    "There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

    Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.


  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Richard Jeni: $13.75 for a Pastrami Sandwich
  • Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street -- genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Parks: Taking Spanish
  • Took four years worth of Spanish. I took $10,000 worth of Spanish. Today I remember two $5000 sentences.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Playing Craps
  • I just did some real gambling. I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Tingle: Noble Public Servants
  • Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Mike Lawrence: Windowless S**t Palace
  • I live in a basement now... this is my routine every night: I have to lift a metal grate with my two hands, walk down a staircase holding a lantern and push cobwebs out of my face. So every night I go to bed, I feel like a Republican senator feeding his g

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Warren Thomas: On Mike Tyson
  • Of course he had a bad attitude -- 25 years old, $60 million. When I got my student loan, I was a d**khead for three weeks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Cory Miller: Legalize It
  • They should legalize marijuana. They should legalize it, because if they do, of course, like cigarettes and everything else, it would have to be federally regulated, which means it would have to be inspected -- which means everybody would want to go down

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Seven Days in Las Vegas
  • If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Piercing a Pirate
  • A: A buck an ear.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots
  • A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

    The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

    The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

    The bartender asks, "What do you

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Cheap Trick Payback
  • The prostitute smiles and shouts back, "El syphilis, originale!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Wanda Sykes: Tolls
  • Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah -- he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Those Polish Gourmets
  • A: Because they lost the recipe.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Jeffrey Ross: On Iraq
  • At this point we should just make it the 51st state. Welcome to Iraqachusetts: live free and die.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Vacationing in Amsterdam
  • I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Self-Explanatory
  • An Irishman walks out of a bar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Mexican Firefighter
  • Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
    A. Hose A and Hose B

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Tatonka
  • "Ground sticky."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Bee Pee
  • A: At the BP station.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Rubber Toe
  • Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

    A: Roberto.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Why Do Scotsmen Wear Kilts?
  • A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Siamese Twins
  • Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
    A: So the other one could drive.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Paris Native
  • A: A parasite.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Zambian Roulette
  • As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vl

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Dressed to Kill
  • I was on a plane three weeks ago, and I was dressed to kill. I had a turban, a beard, exploding sandals.....

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Espanol para Matadors
  • A: Quatro sinko.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Stand-Up Gandhi
  • A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization.

    "I think it would be a good idea."

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Laloo Flies the Friendly Skies
  • To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Sardarji Editor
  • Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was: "There should not be last coach in any train."

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Amputated P.O.W.
  • An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
    The English prisoner

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, School, Miscellaneous

  • Ryan Stout: Smart Japanese
  • I think the Japanese are smart people -- stereotypically so.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • John Oliver: Campaign Ads
  • Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Irish on Vacation
  • Q: Where does an Irish person go on avacation?
    A: A new bar

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Prime Minister Material
  • Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Williams: Wish I Was Black
  • I wish I was black -- that way I could start dating you white girls again.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Carlos Mencia: Black NASCAR
  • Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • What do Saddam and Miss Muffet have in ...
  • They both have Kurds in their Way!

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Suzanne Whang: If a Korean Broke Into Your House
  • How can you tell if a Korean broke into your house? Your dog is missing, and your homework is done.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Shine On, You Crazy Fratboy!
  • 11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • What did the troops say to Bush & Rumsfeld...
  • We Kuwait!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Sex and The Country
  • A Frenchman and an Italianwere seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the menbegan discussing their home lives.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Andy Kindler: Amsterdam Vices
  • Over there, they smoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco, and they roll it together. The reason why they do that -- they have so many vices, they need to combine them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Kevin Meaney: Irish Catholic Heritage
  • My great-great-great-great grandfather was Mr. Potato Head.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Down in the Ocean
  • A: A good start.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, School, Miscellaneous

  • Craig Anton: Second Language Course
  • I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses -- just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Saddam Hussein
  • What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
    Neither knew when to pull out!

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jeff Garcia: Without Black People
  • This country would suck without black people. Football would be all slow.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Johnny Sanchez: Mexican Heritage
  • Being the third generation, I feel all-American, you know? I feel like baseball and apple pie, but I realize I look like nachos and cockfighting.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Death by Mexican
  • The guy replies, "Yeah...pull my finger."

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • German Woman Takes a Walk
  • She screams, 'Nein! Nein!' so two guys walk away.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jake Johannsen: Border Security
  • My plan for illegal immigration is very simple: burning river of gas. Yes -- with the whole border, burning river of gas. And I say we do Canada, too, just to be fair. We do not need Alan Thicke coming down here whenever he wants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • Debbie Shea: Sex With a Japanese Man
  • I had sex with a Japanese man once. It was great. He made me origami three times.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Confucious Say...Runs Behind Bus
  • Confucious say, 'Man who runs behind bus is going to get exhausted.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Dan Ahdoot: Cuban Swimmers
  • We have all these Cuban refugees who swam here from Cuba. But how many Cubans are there on the U.S. swim team? It would be so easy -- all you have to do is paint a picture of Florida on either side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Jamie Kaler: Thought About Adopting
  • I did think about adopting -- an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer ...
  • They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Miscellaneous

  • John Oliver: British Heaven
  • For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Two Of These Things Belong Together
  • The whale -- the other two are both crustaceans.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Williams: Another Country
  • I just got back from another country. Just got back from the south Bronx. Dogs bark in Spanish over there.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Christopher Titus: Apologizing for Whitey
  • To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize -- for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Bill Santiago: Latinos Are the Biggest Minority
  • Of all the people there are least of, we are the biggest of that group.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Tony Rock: Black Villain
  • Superman never fought a black villain -- never catch him. All his super powers, we got the same stuff. Faster than the speeding bullet, really? Let somebody start shooting in here right now, and I bet you I get out first.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Owen Smith: Born in the Bahamas
  • I was born in the Bahamas -- Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Peter Johansson: Customs Security Search
  • When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Rock da House
  • When they look out of their window, they both see rubble.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Patton Oswalt: U.S. Pot vs. Amsterdam Pot
  • The best marijuana that you smoke in the United States, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have [in Amsterdam.] The bud left its parents on Krypton.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Light Reading
  • 1. The Italian Book Of War Heroes
    2. The Norwegian Book Of Cookery
    3. The Scottish Book Of Knowledge

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Myq Kaplan: Fight Ignorance
  • I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate -- like the Asians do.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Those Shady Frenchies
  • So the Germans can march in the shade.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Question for a Scotsman
  • "No, lassie," he replies. "Everything is in fine working order."

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Greg Giraldo: Pursuing Dreams in America
  • People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Bruce Baum: White People Invented Rap
  • I was doing some musical research, and I found out it was actually white people that came up with rap music. Only, they call it square dancing.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • New Words
  • A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, 'Mommy, I learned new words today.' She s

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Giraldo: Napoleon Complex
  • Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

  •   

    Jokes about: Kids, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • What did the Hispanic fireman...
  • A: Jose.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Politically Speaking
  • "Nothing. He got elected."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Private Baby
  • A: The infantry.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • German Vasoline
  • A: Vienerschlide.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Jon Lajoie: Dreamt of a World
  • John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Touchy Feely Cracky
  • "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Leek Limerick
  • There was a man from Leek
    Who instead of a nose had a beak.
    It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
    He migrates at the end of next week.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Rod Man: Too Much Walking
  • I would have not been a good civil rights movement person because that was too much walking at one time. They would have to come to the house and see me then.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Steve White: Looting
  • People make it seem like looting is bad. Looting is not bad. America was formed by looting. Any Indians here? Course not! See what I mean?

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • What is the first thing
  • How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Senate Slander
  • After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Scott LaRose: Angry T. Rexes
  • The T. Rexes were all angry. You know why? Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands! How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to masturbate? That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct r

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Political Pampers
  • You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The True Story
  • And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Tattooed Wang
  • "Three reasons:  I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and this way my wife can blow a hundred bucks without leaving the house."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • World War III
  • Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry aboutthe 10 million Afghans!"

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Republican Light Bulb Replacement Policy
  • How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media and publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the Democrats.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • Microsoft and a Halter Top
  • Both offer very little support!

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Perambulating Candadians
  • He saw some American do it on TV.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Taliban Bingo
  • B-52, F-15, B-1...

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • Bill Gates and General Motors
  • Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

    "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top spee

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Politicians & Screwdrivers
  • A: A screwdriver turns in screws; politicians screw interns.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Woods After Sex
  • Q: What does Tiger Woods say to his wife after having sex?

    A: I will be home in 20 minutes, dear.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jackie Kashian: Bin Laden in Nebraska
  • I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in North Platte, Nebraska, and that we should bomb it just in case. If I am wrong, what have we lost?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Little Wanky
  • "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Senile... Like a FOX!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Lincoln Booty Call... Title
  • You know, they also used to call me "The Great De-pants-inator."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan
  • Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very angry and confused. He exclaims,'Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Washington Booty Call... Tree
  • I cannot tell a lie. I call this "the cherry tree"... but not because of the fruit.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Roman Warrior
  • Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?

    A: Gladiator.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Taxation
  • Because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, School, Miscellaneous

  • Bush Gets Testy
  • A: Drool.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Tickle Me Dirty Politics
  • In Washington D.C. they ran out Tickle Me Elmo dolls, so now they have Fondle Me Packwood dolls.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, School, Miscellaneous

  • D.A.M.
  • A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Kenny: Another Postal Situation
  • Well, I saw that it happened again -- another postal worker went crazy with a gun. I think if the postal service had any balls, they would issue a series of stamps commemorating all the people who have been killed by mailmen.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Government vs. Mafia
  • A: One of them is organized.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Surprise!
  • After a moment of stunned silence, he replies, "Who is this?"

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Voodoo Enronomics
  • Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Virgins in Caves
  • Never Bin Laidon

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Taliban Tank Trix
  • Shoot the guy pushing it!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Screw The World
  • One wants to screw the world and one already has!

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • I Feel Really Bad For The Post Office
  • Job opening!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • What is Six Inches Long?
  • What is 6 inches long, has a big head, and drives women wild?

    A hundred dollar bill!

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • White House Visitors
  • A tourist.

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • The Quotable Marion Barry
  • "I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Wright, Right?
  • But two Wrights can make an airplane!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, News & Politics, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Washington Booty Call... Minutemen
  • I cannot tell a lie. All those other guys are just Minutemen.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Presidential surprise
  • "The handwriting's the first lady's."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • A Horse Walks Into a Bar...
  • A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Retta: Gives Me a Rush
  • You know what gives me a rush? Methamphetamines.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • If You Had What I Have
  • "50 cents."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Chelsea Handler: Tricky Midget
  • I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose -- he was a tricky little f**ker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Daniel Kilpatrick: Sometimes Every Day
  • I smoke pot sometimes every day.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Pick-up Line...Squirrels
  • If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Three Guys
  • Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Shubert: On Conjoined Twins
  • I love my brothers, but I would not want to share a kidney, a spleen and a liver with them. Two Irish guys, one liver?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Watch and Learn
  • The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Evan Davis: Quit Drinking
  • I had to quit drinking; I kept waking up in Utah.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Trouble
  • The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Stolen Viagra
  • A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

    The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... Dog Day Afternoon
  • A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

    The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the bos

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... Seeing-Eye Dog
  • A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

    Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up t

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Megan Mooney: Strategy for Sounding Sober
  • When you need to remove yourself from your group of friends to come up with a strategy for sounding sober enough to be served more alcohol, the fun is behind you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous

  • Taxi Fare
  • The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Kirk Fox: Tall Guys on Planes
  • I will do anything for an exit row. If there is a short person in the exit row, I will put drugs on them. I need the exit row.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Ian Bagg: My Meth Addict Neighbor
  • One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear paddles and bring him back to life. What a bad day to be a kid driving by and seeing Spider-Man.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Cotter: College Years
  • I had a 3.0 -- that was my blood alcohol level.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Singles
  • "I thought she was home with the kids."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Lightbulbs vs Pregnant Women
  • You can unscrew a lightbulb.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Guy Torry: Real Survivor Show
  • You want a real survivor show -- put Robert Downey Jr., Michael Irvin and Darryl Strawberry in a crack house with one rock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Two Bit Girlfriend
  • "She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Ruben Paul: What Only Women Can Do
  • Women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Shoulda Said
  • "Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Quinn Dahle: Drunk Driving Consequences
  • I ended up having to go to AA, which is ridiculous. First thing they tell you to do is stop hanging around with other alcoholics. Well, so I stopped going to AA.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Futurama
  • A: He buys two cases of beer.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Taking the Bullet
  • "Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Stoned Drunk
  • Drink wet cement.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Man & Duck
  • The duck replies, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Going to Columbia
  • I went to Columbia, and I worked for a drug cartel. Then, I went to college.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • A Bear Walks Into a Bar...
  • The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Dunham: Thanking Important People
  • Jeff Dunham: Thank you, Mom, for giving birth to me.Peanut: And thank you, Jack Daniels, for making it all possible.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Two fraternity brothers...
  • Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Nick Vatterott: Drinking by Yourself
  • I think the saddest part about going out drinking by yourself is tagging yourself in all the pictures the next day.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Dog Talk
  • Finally the Chihuahua says, 'Liver alone -- cheese mine.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Partying & Bad Behavior, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Classic Booty Call... Money
  • Would you rather I buy you a drink or just give you the money for it?

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Denis Leary: Legalizing Pot
  • California votes against legalizing pot. Great -- now no one will smoke it.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Disney World & Viagra
  • A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Drink Up
  • A: "Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Shane Mauss: Magic Mushrooms
  • I took them one time. I apparently had way too many. I was walking around outside. I ended up wandering into a Best Buy because I thought it was the future. And then I unknowingly ended up in the camcorder department and I saw in one of the TVs what I tho

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Termite Fun. Yep, Termite Fun.
  • Where is the bar tender?

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • John Mulaney: Not Doing Things
  • Percentage wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them -- especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Demetri Martin: No See-Saws
  • When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Mixed Signals
  • "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Wendy Liebman: Abstinence
  • The only way to have safe sex is to abstain -- from drinking.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Glazed Over
  • "Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Stumpy Legged Pink Dog
  • The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • A Skeleton Walks Into a Bar...
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me shot -- and a mop."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Sherry Davey: On Ozzy Osbourne
  • All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Ben Kronberg: Solitaire Drinking Game
  • Recently learned how to make solitaire into a drinking game...You just sit there with a deck of undealt cards and think about how lonely you are.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Rubber Bar
  • Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get s**t-faced?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Viagra and Mr. Clean
  • Q: What happens when you mix Viagra with Mr. Clean?

    A: Rise and shine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Thruster
  • My thruster is firing as we speak!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Swaggle
  • Care to horn my swaggle? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Sweet
  • Hey babe, want to see the sweet spot on my bat? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Scientist Booty Call... DNA
  • Want to go back to my place and exchange some DNA material?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Wavelength
  • You and I appear to be on the same wavelength. If not, I have an adapter for that.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Jim Breuer: Stumping a Stoner
  • You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Tequila Poem
  • One Tequila... two Tequila... three tequila... FLOOR!

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Susan Messing: Potheads and Light Bulbs, Pt. 1
  • How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, you all use candles.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Upgrade
  • My hard drive upgrades every time I look at you.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Slab
  • Want to take a look at my hung slab?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Longship
  • How many Viking raiders does it take to fill a longship? Just me, if you get my meaning.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Sniffer
  • My sniffer wants to decode your packet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Place
  • Want to come back to my place? I can guarantee flowers and privacy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Stockholder
  • My stockholder is rallying for a merger.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Librarian Booty Call... System
  • Are you familiar with the Do-Me Decimal System?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... T-Shirt
  • That "Babylon 5" t-shirt looks great on you, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Seal
  • Please let me seal off your O-ring.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Superhero Booty Call... Origin
  • My origin? I was bitten by a radioactive porn star.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Stud
  • I like to think of myself as a nailable stud.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Tears
  • If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you. Of course, I am not capable of crying.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Get Some
  • How about I get some brain?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Trick
  • My first trick as a wizard is to make your clothes disappear.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Uranus
  • My mission? A straight shot to Uranus.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Worthy
  • You are worthy of assimilation.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Supervillain Booty Call... Dinner
  • Seeing as no one can save you now, are you free for dinner on Friday? Mwah-hah-hah!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... First Sight
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I roll by again?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Stealing
  • Although I have not been programmed to break any existing laws, I am a thief and I am here to steal your heart.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Kick
  • Want to see my banana kick? Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Broom
  • You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet. And then you swept my feet off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Take Me to Your Leader
  • Take me to your leader! I hope he lives in your pants.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Brazil
  • Can I see your Brazilian? Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Welcome
  • Welcome to the Dork Side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Clown Booty Call... Wig
  • I wear a wig down there, too. Honk Honk!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Motivational Speaker Booty Call... Grab It
  • Visualize it, then go out and grab it! Yes! Now KEEP grabbing it...

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Loser Booty Call... Smell
  • Wow, you smell good. Maybe I should have showered or something. Yeah, definitely.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... Digital Watch
  • My digital watch has a calculator. How do you like me now?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... The Dead
  • You wanna see the Grateful Dead? Come home with me!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Eyes
  • I only have eyes for you. Glowing grey, milky, dead eyes.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... X
  • Does X mark YOUR spot? Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Skills
  • I hear you have good ball handling skills. Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Spreadsheet
  • Let me fill your spreadsheet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Social Activist Booty Call... Fight
  • Can you fight the power... in my pants?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flight Attendant Booty Call... First Sight
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I push my beverage cart by you again?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Motivational Speaker Booty Call... Steps
  • Step 1: Feel that fire of passion burning in you! Step 2: Now feel mine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Watch
  • Can I watch while you Google yourself?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Mouth
  • I would like to approach your goalmouth. Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Body
  • No, you mean over MY dead body!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Motivational Speaker Booty Call... Risks
  • Take risks! Take challenges! Take your clothes off!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Visceral
  • Your appendages are more visceral than ten Dario Argento films.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Superhero Booty Call... Powers
  • My powers include talking to fish and super-lovemaking. Not necessarily in that order.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Airport Security Guard Booty Call... Baggage
  • Wow, you have a lot of baggage. Do you need to unload on me?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Supervillain Booty Call... Path
  • You are just the first step on my path to world domination! Mwah-hah-hah!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Attacker
  • Can I bring a third attacker along? Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Superhero Booty Call... Fantastic
  • Want to see my Fantastic Four-skin? Flame on!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Send
  • Are you gonna let me send it through? Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Geek Booty Call... Tech Support
  • Can I tinker with your laptop?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Horns
  • The only thing hornier than me is my helmet.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Zombie Booty Call... Genitalia
  • My genitalia fell off, can I borrow yours?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Tundra
  • Hey baby, let me warm your frozen tundra.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Astronaut Booty Call... Spelling
  • I put the "ass" in astronaut -- assuming that you spell that with an extra S.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Last
  • All you need to know is that I last for at least 90 minutes. Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Pirate Booty Call... Smile
  • When I see you smile, my scally wags. Yar!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Motivational Speaker Booty Call... Do It
  • Remember--you can do it! Now, how about starting with me?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Mail Slot
  • I may have dropped something; I need to feel around in your mail slot.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Monkey Booty Call... Spank
  • How about we spank each other and call ourselves even?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Geek Booty Call... Shorts
  • May my shorts be with you!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • 80s Booty Call... A-Team
  • Call me Dirk Benedict because my Face belongs on your "A-Team."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Slide
  • Hey babe, you make me wanna slide into third! High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Yeti Booty Call... Sherpas
  • Want to see why the Sherpas call me the Abdominal Showman?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Alien Booty Call... Simulated Atmosphere
  • Would you like to exchange fluids and secretions in a simulated atmosphere?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Soccer Booty Call... Poke
  • How would you feel about a toe poke? Goooaaalll!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Plumber Booty Call... Tailpiece
  • I need to check out your tailpiece.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Hipster Booty Call... Smokes
  • Can I bum a Gauloise off of you?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Supervillain Booty Call... Henchmen
  • Can my burly henchman watch? Mwah-hah-hah!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Viking Booty Call... Red
  • Would you like to meet Erik the Red?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Scientist Booty Call... Trait
  • Your eyes are a deep shade of a recessive genetic trait. I like that.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Corporate Booty Call... Secretary
  • Do you mind if my secretary watches?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Superhero Booty Call... Mild-Mannered
  • My secret identity? Mild-mannered porn star.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Soccer
  • Hey babe, soccer players can go for 90 minutes. High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jock Booty Call... Team
  • You mind if we double team? High five!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Supervillain Booty Call... Lair
  • Come back to my evil lair and prepare to die... in my arms! Mwah-hah-hah!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Contractor Booty Call... Strength
  • Would you like to test my tensile strength?

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Shane Mauss: Breaking In
  • If I ever heard someone breaking into my house, I would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house. Oh, and we would laugh about that coincidence for a while.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Walks
  • I enjoy long walks away from sand and water.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Steve Shaffer: Conspiracy Theory
  • I, too, have a conspiracy theory. I believe that Einstein was killed by the mafia because he knew too much.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • What We Learn From the Movies
  • -- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
    -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    -- Mo

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Why God Created Women
  • Q: Why did God create women?

    A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Marc Maron: Drug Testing Comedians
  • They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Never Drive on Grass
  • I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Aleck: Sexual Advances
  • To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Two-Legged Bleeder
  • Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

    A: Half a cat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bobcat Goldthwait: Police Brutality
  • If you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, put the video camera down and help me.

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Warren Thomas: Outlawed Clones
  • When clones are outlawed, only outlaws will have clones.

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • John Mendoza: New York Crime
  • I was in New York over the weekend. The crime there is incredible. I was getting on the plane, I looked into the cockpit, and around the steering wheel, they had The Club.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Police & Military

  • The Marine Shares a Room

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Spice Girls...Toaster
  • Pop Tarts.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • E.T.
  • A: Because he has little legs.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Hari Kondabolu: Mosh Pit at a Weezer Concert
  • A mosh pit at a Weezer concert is different from other mosh pits. A mosh pit at a Weezer concert is basically nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Eric Andre: "COPS" Theme Song
  • Is it just me or is reggae the most inappropriate music they could have picked to open up the show "COPS"?

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Duct Tape
  • A: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Craig Shoemaker: Antonio Banderas
  • You know who does it for her? Antonio Banderas. I swear, this guy gets my wife horny. He gets her all wound up. I rent all his movies; he does all the work for me.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Insulted Snow White
  • Q: Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven dwarves?

    A: Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho."

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Wizard of Toad
  • "Just follow the yellow d**k toad."

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Whitehouse Parrot
  • The guy says, "I know. I just like hearing it!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • When Broadway Meets Daytime T.V.
  • The Phantom of the Oprah.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • RIng of Power
  • Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Madonna & a Convertible
  • A: A top that comes down easily.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Chip Pope: Stadium Seating
  • I love the movies. They finally built one of those stadium-seat porn theaters by my house. So, bring a hat.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Kristen Schaal: Werewolf to the Moon
  • If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Inner Space
  • E.T., the Extra-Testicle!

  •   

    Jokes about: News & Politics, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • The Wizard of Oz
  • Clinton thought a moment and asked, 'Ummm... Is Dorothy around?'

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Pop Culture & Celebrity

  • What do you call Batman & Robin if they...
  • A: Flatman and Ribbon!

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Marder: Easy Listening Music
  • Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Andy Kindler: Tropical Depression
  • I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Cubist Poo
  • A: Pic-ass-o.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Bonnie McFarlane: Showbiz Name
  • When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by S

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Groupie Gone Wild
  • Flaming Lips!

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Ben Bailey: Interview Rule
  • So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

  •   

    Jokes about: Technology, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Natasha Leggero: Dad and the Internet
  • My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Snoop Doggs Teeth...
  • BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Xerox
  • Hard Copy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Smurfette
  • There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette, and she screwed each one seven times. Enter 5000+1 times 7 in a calculator to see what Smurfette was...

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Robin Montague: On En Vogue
  • It took four En Vogue to make one Aretha song.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Three-Balled Alien
  • Q: What do you call an alien with three balls?

    A: ET, the extra testicle.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Dwayne Perkins: Jaywalking Laws
  • Go to L.A. -- they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Things I Learned From Movies
  • 31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Hip Hop Sound Effects
  • I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car -- I still fall for it

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Paul Mooney: Black Characters on "Star Trek"
  • Why we all gotta be blind? Why do they have to mess up the black man in the future? We all gotta look like Ray Charles. Why is that? And the other brother looks like his mother slept with a turtle.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Paul Dillery: Hollywood Producer in the Crowd
  • There was a big Hollywood producer in the crowd the other night. One thing led to another, and before you know it -- he was gone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Turkey Rhythm
  • A: He had his own drumsticks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Three words that describe Britney Spears
  • My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Strange Bed Fellows
  • There are three men in ahotel each wanting a room.

    The porter of the hotel says, “All the rooms are bookedexcept for one room with a kingsize bed.”

    The three men are too tired to go to another hotelso they decide to take the room.

    Th

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Rocker and NY
  • The man smiles and says, "Now people think that all people with mental problems are racist and dumb."

  •   

    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Demetri Martin: Game, Set, Match
  • Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Jeff Ross: Canadian Porno
  • Watched a Canadian porno movie yesterday. That was cool -- two girls, one Stanley Cup.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Sunday Morning Shave
  • What does Brooke Gordon do when she gets done shaving her pussy on a Sunday morning?
    Slaps aftershave on it and throws it in a racecar.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Misguided
  • 'I am,' the guide answered, ' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.'

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Toilet Humor
  • One pussy and 1000 hares.

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Technology

  • Jock vs. Nerd
  • $$$ Game over.  Nerd wins.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Blind Skydivers
  • A: It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye dogs.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Women and Pool Tables
  • What is the difference between a woman a pool table?

    On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Hurricane and the Coconut Tree
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

    Hang on to your nuts here comes one heck of a blow job.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Football Team Lighters
  • A: They kept losing their matches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Rookie Pitcher
  • "Right after the National Anthem."

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • UVA vs. VT Football
  • The state trooper!!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • NASCAR
  • Rednecks

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Scientist Booty Call... Shift
  • Did you feel the shifting of tectonic plates a moment ago, or was that just me?

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Rob Stapleton: Messed Up Credit
  • You know your credit messed up when you get turned down for a pre-paid phone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Why does the TV like the remote?
  • A: Because it turns it on!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Microsoft Darkness
  • None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • First Computer in Biblical Times
  • Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • IBM and Lightbulbs
  • 10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
  • Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing andmoaning.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Baby Digital Watch
  • Q: What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?

    A: "Look Ma, no hands!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Leo Allen: New Computer
  • It had been a long time since I got a new computer -- a really long time. It was so nice to be able to throw those punch cards away and to have that giant room free again.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Dane Cook: In the Year 3000
  • In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Work

  • A Horoscope For The Workplace
  • CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Daniel Tosh: National Anthem
  • The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Jeff Ross: Steve Jobs Funeral
  • They put him in this really expensive coffin, then they paid extra for a plastic case to protect it from scratches.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Tech Glossary
  • System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Spam
  • At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Mathematical Cows
  • Q: How do cows do mathematics?

    A: They use a cow-culator.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Rooster and a Telephone Pole
  • Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?

    A: A 30-foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Amuse-o-tron
  • As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Programming %#$*@#!!
  • Profanity

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Mark Cohen: Expensive Water Filter
  • I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good. I just get hydrogen.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Kevin Nealon: Beautiful Beach
  • I found this beautiful beach. It was right on the water.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Alaskan Lumberjack
  • A: He came back a husky f**ker.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • The Witty Truck Driver
  • A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: License Plate Number
  • Your cell phone number [should] be the same as your license plate number, so if you drive like a jackass, we can call you up.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Former Porn Star
  • I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Cory Kahaney: Burned by MapQuest
  • How much does MapQuest suck? I got so burned by MapQuest. Last weekend, just for the hell of it, I typed in my address, 76th Street, and that I wanted to go to 77th Street. MapQuest told me to get on the Garden State Parkway.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Spaceman
  • What do you do when you see a spaceman?

    Park in it, man.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • George Miller: Car Trouble
  • I always have car trouble. I had a 1979 Chrysler. Talk about underpowered -- I was driving, I pushed in the cigarette lighter, the car slowed down.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Stevie Ray Fromstein: In the Hotel Room
  • I was in my hotel room today, middle of the afternoon. I was completely naked, and the maid walks in -- finally!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Hari Kondabolu: Environment Issue Magazine
  • I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Wheelchair Driving
  • Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.

    As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STO

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • New Yorkers and Light Bulbs
  • Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: One. What are you -- stupid?

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Wanda Sykes: Airport Security Check
  • I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jeff Marder: Rush Hour
  • Why do they call it rush hour and your car just sits there?

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Shubert: The Transportation Security Administration
  • What does the TSA actually stand for, Take Scissors Away? Thousands Standing Around?

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Ethnic Pick-Up
  • He replies "Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

  •   

    Jokes about: Travel & Car, Miscellaneous

  • The Wooden Car and Other Wastes
  • What happened to the wooden car?

    It wooden go!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • JB Smoove: About Tennessee
  • I was down in Tennessee. Let me tell you right now about Tennessee. Your car breaks down in Tennessee? You have just moved to Tennessee.

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Rodney Johnson: Racism in Omaha
  • It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down -- I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Rides Shotgun
  • The blonde turns around again. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup."

  •   

    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • John Caparulo: Traveling in Canada
  • I have never been so glad to be back in America, where people speak Spanish.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jeff Marder: Samsonite Travel
  • If your last name is Samsonite, what do you put on your luggage?

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... Got Grapes?
  • A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not ser

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • When Can I Get That Haircut?
  • A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bill Burr: Working in the Warehouse
  • I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Work

  • I Hit Two of My Best Balls
  • "I stepped on a rake."

  •   

    Jokes about: Lawyer, Miscellaneous, Work

  • What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
  • What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
    Twins!

  •   

    Jokes about: School, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Michael Palascak: English Major
  • I was an English major, the only thing I know about capitalism is if I see a period the next letter should be bigger.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Sexual Harrassment
  •     She said, "The man whosaid that was a midget."

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Dirty Tricks
  • "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Jonathan Katz: Performing at Benefits
  • I have been doing a lot of benefits this year. As a matter of fact, last night I did a benefit for the survivors of a benefit I had done the week before.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Hands Under Skirt
  • Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?

    A: Self-employed.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Waitress
  • A toilet waits on one a**hole at a time.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bill Dwyer: Circuit City Sex
  • When it comes to sex, I like to refer to my wife as Circuit City because she has no interest until January of next year.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bob Oschack: Tech Advancements
  • No man who has the option to spend his weekends down in a border town whorehouse getting his a**hole tickled is instead going to choose... to lock himself in a laboratory in order to design the ultimate clock.

  •   

    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Bobcat Goldthwait: Career Trajectory
  • If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Carol Leifer: Women in the Workplace
  • Ladies, women in the workplace -- oh, we still have big strides to make. You ready for this? A girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee. Yeah, she stormed right out of that Sta

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
  • “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the co

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Vanessa Hollingshead: Middle East Performance
  • I just got back from the Middle East. I performed for 15,000 men -- and then I did my comedy.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Scott Kennedy: Working the Airport Gift Shop
  • You could be as rude as you want to be because people gotta go.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Work Blows
  • After ten years the job still sucks!

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Work

  • Where do one legged people?
  • IHOP!!

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Graveyard Salon
  • A: Curl Up and Dye.

  •