All the jokes -

Jokes about: Money

  • Jim David: Upwardly Mobile Home
  • I am white trash and proud. I was raised in an upwardly mobile home, so I prefer to be called trash du blanc.

  •   

    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dirty, Money, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Redneck Booty Call... Trailer
  • A tornado knocked down my trailer. Can I go home with you?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Natasha Leggero: LA Gang Tours
  • For $100 you can get a seat on this tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of Los Angeles. I know because it goes past my house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Money, Dark Humor

  • War on Poverty
  • Did you hear about the woman who was waging a war on poverty?

    She bombed the soup kitchen.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Rich Hooker
  • A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

    "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

    Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impress

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Money, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous

  • Medieval Booty Call... Hut
  • Your poorly thatched hut or mine?

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Mo Mandel: Problem With Prostitution
  • I have a problem with prostitution -- financially.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, School, Miscellaneous

  • College Dorm Rules
  • On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Exotic Male Dancer Cash
  • The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Cost of Pleasure
  • Cover charge: $15

    Round of drinks: $23

    Table dance: $30

    A round of shots: $34

    Private dance in your hotel room: $300

    Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Chuck Sklar: Perfect Crime
  • I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court; I pleaded insanity.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Shubert: Neutering
  • I love the people that care more about neutering stray cats than they care about homeless American veterans... What they should be doing is neutering the homeless American veteran because they are much easier to catch.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • David Feldman: Pharmaceutical Manufacture
  • Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Mike Lawrence: Roommates
  • I had two roommates... one was a paranormal romance fiction novelist and the other was a feminist autobiographical cartoonist. And I do stand-up comedy. So if you want to know what my apartment was like, try to imagine the musical Rent if no one had enoug

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Ryan Stout: Homeless Have It Good
  • I think the homeless have it pretty good because 98% of deadly accidents happen inside the home.

  •   

    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Todd Barry: Therapist Bills
  • Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Perkins: Not Going Dutch
  • The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Food, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Natasha Leggero: Sex With a Prostitute
  • Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

  •   

    Jokes about: Food, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Sebastian Maniscalco: Sushi Dinner Date
  • Chicken, salad, steak -- I know what that goes for. A dynamite roll -- I have no idea what the hell that is.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • $1 Million in Heaven
  • God said, "Sure, in a minute."

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Kids, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
  • Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Juston McKinney: Scratch Tickets for Christmas
  • You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.

  •   

    Jokes about: God, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Earthquake: Expensive Church
  • Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled my own plate, started passing that around.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Brian Posehn: City Homeless
  • I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • Dave Attell: Favorite Apartment Game
  • You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.

  •   

    Jokes about: Insults, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Engineers & Light Bulbs
  • A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Marriage Counseling
  • I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Women and Bad Weather
  • Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?

    A: They all get the house.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • $100 Bill Tattoo
  • He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Williams: Living Next to White People
  • Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Definition of Debt
  • Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • $8 Bill
  • The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Felipe Esparza: Going to Court
  • Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

  •   

    Jokes about: Animal, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Broken Cage
  • A: "Cheap, cheap!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Beat the Casino
  • Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

    A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Expensive New York City
  • I forgot how expensive this town is. Checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Paul Varghese: Buying a Convertible
  • I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Mike Vecchione: One Man Neighborhood Watch
  • You know what I installed? One man neighborhood watch. Some people will call it a peeping tom; I call it one man neighborhood watch.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Barry Diamond: $6 Million House
  • I bought a $6 million house. I got a great deal on it: I put down $400; I have a mortgage of $31,000 every month. My idea is to live there for three months until they throw me the hell out of there.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • The Six-Ball Rip-Off
  • A: The lottery.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous

  • Coin Riddle
  • A: A quarter and a nickel. Only one of them is not a nickel.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: Parking Ticket
  • I got a $290 parking ticket today. Do you folks hear me? A $290 ticket, man. My car only cost $240.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Lawyer, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Work

  • The Lawyer Keeps His Promise
  • A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

    A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Banking & Sex
  • A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Wayne Federman: Actress Math
  • Shelia is an actress. She spends $40 three times a week for jazz classes at Alvin Ailey, $20 four times a week for technique classes at Sanford Meisner. How many lap dances at Scores will she have to do this weekend to balance her checkbook?

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Charlie Viracola: Cell Phone Minutes
  • I trick them during the day. I hide in a dark closet and make all my calls.

  •   

    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Jack Coen: The Old Days of Burial
  • Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.

  •   

    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Money

  • People in Grass Houses
  • The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Snow Parking
  • Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

    "There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

    Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.


  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Richard Jeni: $13.75 for a Pastrami Sandwich
  • Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street -- genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, School, Miscellaneous

  • Tom Parks: Taking Spanish
  • Took four years worth of Spanish. I took $10,000 worth of Spanish. Today I remember two $5000 sentences.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money

  • Shrewd Investment
  • "Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Playing Craps
  • I just did some real gambling. I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Tingle: Noble Public Servants
  • Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Miscellaneous

  • Mike Lawrence: Windowless S**t Palace
  • I live in a basement now... this is my routine every night: I have to lift a metal grate with my two hands, walk down a staircase holding a lantern and push cobwebs out of my face. So every night I go to bed, I feel like a Republican senator feeding his g

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, School, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Warren Thomas: On Mike Tyson
  • Of course he had a bad attitude -- 25 years old, $60 million. When I got my student loan, I was a d**khead for three weeks.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Cory Miller: Legalize It
  • They should legalize marijuana. They should legalize it, because if they do, of course, like cigarettes and everything else, it would have to be federally regulated, which means it would have to be inspected -- which means everybody would want to go down

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Seven Days in Las Vegas
  • If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Piercing a Pirate
  • A: A buck an ear.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Walks into a Bar

  • Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots
  • A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

    The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

    The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

    The bartender asks, "What do you

  •   

    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Cheap Trick Payback
  • The prostitute smiles and shouts back, "El syphilis, originale!"

  •   

    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous

  • Wanda Sykes: Tolls
  • Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah -- he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.

  •   

    Jokes about: Men/Women, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous

  • Ruben Paul: What Only Women Can Do
  • Women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

  •   

    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Rob Stapleton: Messed Up Credit
  • You know your credit messed up when you get turned down for a pre-paid phone.

  •