All the jokes - office

  • Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
    The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
    The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
    The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
    And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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  • There was an employment advertisement in an office.
    So a guy went there.
    Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
    The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

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  • Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
    Boss "Certainly not!"
    Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

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  • An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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  • A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
    So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
    After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
    Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
    So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
    He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
    "Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."

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  • Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
    A: Lazy.

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  • Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
    "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
    "But I could be dead by then!"
    "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

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  • I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
    Please be prepared for my mood.

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  • Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.

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  • Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:
    "You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar."
    - And what did you do ?
    "I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her."
    "Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?"
    "I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop."
    "Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"

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