All the jokes - police

  • Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head.

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  • People were licking frogs to get high... They were making an arrest -- I'm watching this going, 'How the f**k did he get caught?'

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  • I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, 'You're a dick, dude. I can't believe you -- that's too far.'

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  • Q: What has two legs and bleeds?A: Half a cat.

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  • Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?A: She moved.

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  • Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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  • They were interviewing some guy from North Dakota. He goes, 'It can happen here.' No, it can't. You have to build a civilization first.

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  • In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

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  • I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didn't even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

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  • I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.

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