All the jokes -

Jokes about: Police, Military

  • Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas
  • In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

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    Jokes about: Blue Collar, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Ngaio Bealum: Love Rednecks
  • I love rednecks. I have a heart of a redneck -- in a jar.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Dark Humor, Insults, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Revenge of the Blondes
  • Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?

    A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Rene Hicks: Advice to Gang Members
  • If gang members have to kill, kill constructively -- kill some Ku Klux Klan.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Lester Barrie: Solution to the Gang Problem
  • It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Gregg Rogell: Cause of Death
  • The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. You know the number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Natasha Leggero: LA Gang Tours
  • For $100 you can get a seat on this tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of Los Angeles. I know because it goes past my house.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dishwasher Starter
  • A: Kick him in the ass.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Kiley: Shot an Elk
  • I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Andy Blitz: Boxing Explanation
  • I think violence is wonderful, but what I object to in boxing is the total lack of explanation as to what happened between these guys to cause this fight to break out.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Lawyer, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Plastered Lawyers
  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

    A: It depends how hard you throw them.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Matt Iseman: Death Penalty
  • There is nothing funny about the death penalty -- except the name. Folks, death is not a penalty; 10 yards is a penalty.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Carlos Mencia: Bombing Japan
  • We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Brian Posehn: Riot Footage
  • Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the ag

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Two Black Eyes for a Favor
  • A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

    The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around a

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Jim Breuer: Mosh Pits
  • The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bonnie McFarlane: Never Hit a Baby
  • Never hit a baby, even if they start it.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Kids, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Shane Mauss: Baby Self-Defense
  • What I do for self-defense is I carry a baby around with me. I was thinking about it -- what kind of a person, no, what kind of a monster would attack someone that will hit them with a baby?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Sue Murphy: Joined a Gym
  • I moved to L.A., so, you know, I joined a gym, because it was either that or a gang.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bill Santiago: Specific Ethnic Reality
  • Your specific reality depends on where your people come from, right? For example, Mexicans get shot trying to get into this country, Cubans get shot trying to get out of their own country, Puerto Ricans get shot just for trying to have a country.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Mickey & Donald in a Foxhole
  • A: Because Donald ducked.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Dark Humor

  • Flap Jacket
  • A: So the Marine have something to hold on to.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Lawyer, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer-Client Relations
  • Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • In the Navy
  • Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

    A: With a crowbar.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dirty, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • The 12 Days of Christmas
  • Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender andChole

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Chuck Sklar: Perfect Crime
  • I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court; I pleaded insanity.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Gregg Rogell: Cell Phones vs. Anthrax
  • Cell phones can give you brain tumors, and yet the anthrax only killed five people. Maybe the terrorists should have just called us on our cell phones.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Viagra Theft
  • The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

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    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dwayne Kennedy: 9/11 Reaction
  • I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.

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    Jokes about: God, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: New York Airport Safety Precautions
  • Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Mus

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    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes, Gross

  • The Hurt Bird and the S**t
  • The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Gross

  • The Three Generals
  • The general said, 'I left them back in Vietnam.'

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Blonde vs. Crime Rate
  • A: She moved.

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    Jokes about: Insults, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Ted Alexandro: Squad Car Cop Is to Cop on a Bike...
  • I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Hostage Escape Tactics
  • A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

    Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the

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    Jokes about: Insults, Police & Military

  • M.A.R.I.N.E.
  • A: Muscles are required; intellegence not expected.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Insults, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Rich Vos: Do the World a Favor
  • Do the world a favor and drink a bullet, stupid.

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    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Christopher Titus: Newborn
  • I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.

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    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, School, Miscellaneous

  • Jim David: Capital Punishment
  • I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the eighth grade level.

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    Jokes about: Kids, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Dan St. Germain: Child Actors
  • I really think that the lives of child actors are way more depressing than child soldiers.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Lawyer, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Lawyer in a Tree
  • Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?

    A: Cut the rope.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Laurie Kilmartin: Immigrant Boyfriend
  • Nothing helps you win an argument like having the INS on speed-dial.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Marriage, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Staggering Husband
  • Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

    A: Shoot him again.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Doug Williams: Living Next to White People
  • Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jeff Garcia: Any Cops Here?
  • Cops are cool. Any cops here? No? I f**king hate cops.

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    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Hostile Happy Hour
  • He got bombed.

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    Jokes about: Money, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Felipe Esparza: Going to Court
  • Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

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    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Fox Hole
  • A: Bestiality.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous

  • Denis Leary: Jackson 5 Clothing
  • Jackson 5 to launch new clothing line. Sizes include large, medium and plaintiff.

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    Jokes about: Money, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: Parking Ticket
  • I got a $290 parking ticket today. Do you folks hear me? A $290 ticket, man. My car only cost $240.

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    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Tingle: Noble Public Servants
  • Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

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    Jokes about: Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Cory Miller: Legalize It
  • They should legalize marijuana. They should legalize it, because if they do, of course, like cigarettes and everything else, it would have to be federally regulated, which means it would have to be inspected -- which means everybody would want to go down

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Vacationing in Amsterdam
  • I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Dressed to Kill
  • I was on a plane three weeks ago, and I was dressed to kill. I had a turban, a beard, exploding sandals.....

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jake Johannsen: Border Security
  • My plan for illegal immigration is very simple: burning river of gas. Yes -- with the whole border, burning river of gas. And I say we do Canada, too, just to be fair. We do not need Alan Thicke coming down here whenever he wants.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Tony Rock: Black Villain
  • Superman never fought a black villain -- never catch him. All his super powers, we got the same stuff. Faster than the speeding bullet, really? Let somebody start shooting in here right now, and I bet you I get out first.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Peter Johansson: Customs Security Search
  • When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Nationality, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Myq Kaplan: Fight Ignorance
  • I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate -- like the Asians do.

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    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Private Baby
  • A: The infantry.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Steve White: Looting
  • People make it seem like looting is bad. Looting is not bad. America was formed by looting. Any Indians here? Course not! See what I mean?

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    Jokes about: News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jackie Kashian: Bin Laden in Nebraska
  • I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in North Platte, Nebraska, and that we should bomb it just in case. If I am wrong, what have we lost?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Roman Warrior
  • Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?

    A: Gladiator.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Quinn Dahle: Drunk Driving Consequences
  • I ended up having to go to AA, which is ridiculous. First thing they tell you to do is stop hanging around with other alcoholics. Well, so I stopped going to AA.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Denis Leary: Legalizing Pot
  • California votes against legalizing pot. Great -- now no one will smoke it.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Robot Booty Call... Stealing
  • Although I have not been programmed to break any existing laws, I am a thief and I am here to steal your heart.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Shane Mauss: Breaking In
  • If I ever heard someone breaking into my house, I would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house. Oh, and we would laugh about that coincidence for a while.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Steve Shaffer: Conspiracy Theory
  • I, too, have a conspiracy theory. I believe that Einstein was killed by the mafia because he knew too much.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • What We Learn From the Movies
  • -- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
    -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    -- Mo

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Why God Created Women
  • Q: Why did God create women?

    A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Work

  • Marc Maron: Drug Testing Comedians
  • They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Never Drive on Grass
  • I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military

  • Military Secrets
  • A: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Jimmy Aleck: Sexual Advances
  • To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

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    Jokes about: Animal, Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Two-Legged Bleeder
  • Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

    A: Half a cat.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous

  • Bobcat Goldthwait: Police Brutality
  • If you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, put the video camera down and help me.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Technology

  • Warren Thomas: Outlawed Clones
  • When clones are outlawed, only outlaws will have clones.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military

  • Bathtime for Criminals
  • A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • John Mendoza: New York Crime
  • I was in New York over the weekend. The crime there is incredible. I was getting on the plane, I looked into the cockpit, and around the steering wheel, they had The Club.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military

  • Navy Intelligence
  • A: Knock on the door.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Police & Military

  • The Marine Shares a Room

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Dwayne Perkins: Jaywalking Laws
  • Go to L.A. -- they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Sports & Athletes

  • Demetri Martin: Game, Set, Match
  • Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

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    Jokes about: Travel & Car, Police & Military

  • Speed Demon
  • Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when a cop pulled them over.
    "You were going eighty!" the officer yelled. "Why so fast?"
    "We have a good reason," Lloyd explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good so we wanted to get there before

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