Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog -- I'm not very good at hunting.
Q: Why did the chicken run onto the football field?A: Because the umpire called a foul.
Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement? A: Sparky.
Q: What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common? A: You can't f**k with either one.
The strident prosecutor begins:''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the State will prove that this defendant did in fact discard his breeches and insert his member into the innocent sheep; that he did ejaculate into said sheep and remove his member, whereupon this sheep turned around and licked his member clean.''Then one member of the jury turned and whispered to the other juror and said, ''The good ones will do that you know."
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''''Ruff!"''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''"Ruth."The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy."Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year. One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly. The other crab asked why and he said, "I got a ride here on a man's moustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing.""Well," the other crab said, "why don't you hide up a lady's skirt next year. Then you won't be as cold."The little crab said, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea."A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again. The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said, "Yeah, I went and hid up a lady's skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that's guy's moustache again!"
How many animals can you fit on a toilet ?One pussy and 1000 hares.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping."Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."