Best Thanksgiving funny jokes

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  • One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”.
    He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
    Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
    His father promptly said “cooking”.

    Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”.
    He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.

    Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
    Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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  • One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
    Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
    The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
    Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
    On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
    Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said.
    Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
    Then the door bell rang.
    The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

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  • One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.
    Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
    They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
    The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
    He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
    His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
    At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
    A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
    Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

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  • Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm.
    They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially.
    The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain.
    "One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning.

    Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius.
    She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers.
    "That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work.
    At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression.
    "You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"

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  • Q: What is a ghosts favorite snack?
    A: Boo berries

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  • One day little Jonny was at his house asleep until he heard his parents arguing and his mom called the dad a "bastard" and the dad called the mom a "bitch".
    So little Jonny asked, "dad what does bitch and bastard mean?"
    Then his dad said it meant "ladies and gentlemen."
    So the next day little Jonny was upstairs in his room until he heard his mom moaning.
    He walked into their room and the mom said "feel my titties" and the dad said "choke on my dick".
    Little Jonny asked, "dad what does titties and dicks mean?"
    So his dad said "coats and jackets."
    Then it was Thanksgiving and they were having family over for the day and Little Jonny went upstairs and heard his dad say "shit!"
    Because he had cut himself.
    And Little Jonny said, "dad what does shit mean?"
    So his dad said "it means wiping shaving cream off my face."
    So little Jonny went back downstairs and his mom was in the kitchen stuffing a turkey and she yelled: "fuck!"
    So little Jonny asked, "what does fuck mean?"
    And she said "stuffing the turkey."
    Then the doorbell rang, and Little Jonny opened the door and said: "hello bitches and bastards put your titties and dicks on the coat racket, my dads, upstairs wiping the shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

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  • Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family.
    "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one.
    "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

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  • Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
    Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
    "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

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  • Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
    A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.

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  • Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."

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