Best Time funny jokes

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  • One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant.
    When I returned home I saw her father closing the door.
    I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant?
    For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery."
    Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms.
    Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fart in her arms."

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  • A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
    The guy left.
    A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
    The guy left.

    A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
    The guy left.

    The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
    A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
    The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
    Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

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  • A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
    The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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  • A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."
    She goes in and find him with his pants down.
    "That's not a watch!" she says.
    "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

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  • A blonde calls her mom...
    Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
    Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
    Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

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  • While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
    "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
    "How does it work?"
    "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

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  • A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
    The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
    The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
    The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
    The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
    After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
    The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

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  • Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.
    "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."
    "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"
    "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

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  • A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
    He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
    When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
    He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
    She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

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  • An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
    Then they heard voices.
    Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
    Scared, they called the police.
    The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
    The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
    He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
    In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
    One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.
    " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

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