All the jokes -

Jokes about: Travel, Vacations

  • Bob Nickman: Strobe Headlines
  • Put strobe headlights in my car to make the deer run slower.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Money, Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Natasha Leggero: LA Gang Tours
  • For $100 you can get a seat on this tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of Los Angeles. I know because it goes past my house.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flight Attendant Booty Call... Nuts
  • Would you like some warm nuts?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Kids, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Children & Cars
  • Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Ever Been Driving Along...
  • Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with hersel

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Classic Booty Call... Airport
  • Is there an airport nearby, or is that my heart taking off?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Classic Booty Call... Curves
  • All those curves, and me with no brakes.

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    Jokes about: Doctor, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Gabriel Iglesias: Landing in Phoenix
  • I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

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    Jokes about: Food, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Denis Leary: Resuming Air Travel
  • Iran, Egypt to resume air travel after 31-year freeze. Flight attendants will offer you a choice of beef, chicken or enriched uranium.

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    Jokes about: Food, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Harland Williams: No Airbag
  • I got no airbag in my old hunk of junk, so this is what I did: I went over to Dunkin Donuts. I bought a great big, puffy, jelly donut. I stuck it to my steering wheel. Some idiot hit me from behind, my head goes forward -- he thinks my head blew up.

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    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Kenny: The Pope-Mobile
  • I see the pope driving around on the news in that car. I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.

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    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Bill Santiago: Flying Into San Juan Scare
  • I had a scare last time flying into San Juan. We lost cabin pressure, and instead of oxygen masks, rosary beads dropped out of the ceiling.

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    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Steve Mittleman: Jesus in Venice
  • Jesus would have been great in Venice. He could have just walked all over the place.

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    Jokes about: God, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Packed in One Honda
  • A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • Mike Sweeney: Cannibalism After a Crash
  • If you eat someone else in your airplane, do you get all their frequent flyer miles?

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Gross, Travel & Car

  • The Blonde and Car Maintenance
  • A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

    "What was the matter?" she asks.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Big Ben Surprise
  • A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Driver
  • A: Her blinker was on.

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    Jokes about: Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Finding Small Penises
  • If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Feel Like a Woman
  • A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Four Blondes in a Pickup
  • She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"

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    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Chris Regan: Cruise Clientele
  • If we were hauling any more trash into the ocean, we would have been boarded by Greenpeace.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Invention
  • A: Ejection seats in helicopters.

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    Jokes about: Insults, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Eugene Mirman: Poorest Neighborhood in North America
  • I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America -- which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

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    Jokes about: Insults, Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Dwayne Perkins: Returning to Africa
  • For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde & Missed Bus
  • She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flighty Blonde
  • A: "Must be an earthquake."

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Insults, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • So Blonde... Airport Left
  • She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jamie Kaler: Learned in My Car
  • I learned in my car that I could not have children. It was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Margaret Smith: Taking Parents to the Airport
  • I actually just brought them back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Birthday Surprise
  • When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

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    Jokes about: Kids, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Andrew Kennedy: Growing Up in Hong Kong
  • We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Think about that for a second -- everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Karen Anderson: Best Day Ever
  • I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend -- with my car.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Rhodes: Love Is Powerful Stuff
  • Love is powerful stuff, man. Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your sh*t -- just to get away from that person.

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    Jokes about: Marriage, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Date Night Driving Arrangements
  • She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone -- logistical nightmare.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Judy Gold: Legroom
  • My mother always sits in the front passenger seat because she likes to have the legroom. You know, I could have a mute, paraplegic friend who needed a ride somewhere, and my mom will still sit in the front passenger seat because she wants to have the legr

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Knock, Knock
  • Car go Beep Beep!

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Car Identity Crisis
  • A: When it turns into a parking lot.

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    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Beat the Casino
  • Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

    A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.

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    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Expensive New York City
  • I forgot how expensive this town is. Checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

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    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Paul Varghese: Buying a Convertible
  • I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?

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    Jokes about: Money, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: Parking Ticket
  • I got a $290 parking ticket today. Do you folks hear me? A $290 ticket, man. My car only cost $240.

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    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Snow Parking
  • Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

    "There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."

    Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.


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    Jokes about: Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Playing Craps
  • I just did some real gambling. I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly.

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    Jokes about: Money, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Tingle: Noble Public Servants
  • Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Seven Days in Las Vegas
  • If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Money, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Cheap Trick Payback
  • The prostitute smiles and shouts back, "El syphilis, originale!"

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • David Feldman: Vacationing in Amsterdam
  • I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Dressed to Kill
  • I was on a plane three weeks ago, and I was dressed to kill. I had a turban, a beard, exploding sandals.....

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    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Carlos Mencia: Black NASCAR
  • Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Andy Kindler: Amsterdam Vices
  • Over there, they smoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco, and they roll it together. The reason why they do that -- they have so many vices, they need to combine them.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Williams: Another Country
  • I just got back from another country. Just got back from the south Bronx. Dogs bark in Spanish over there.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Peter Johansson: Customs Security Search
  • When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Patton Oswalt: U.S. Pot vs. Amsterdam Pot
  • The best marijuana that you smoke in the United States, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have [in Amsterdam.] The bud left its parents on Krypton.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Evan Davis: Quit Drinking
  • I had to quit drinking; I kept waking up in Utah.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Kirk Fox: Tall Guys on Planes
  • I will do anything for an exit row. If there is a short person in the exit row, I will put drugs on them. I need the exit row.

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, School, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Tom Cotter: Going to Columbia
  • I went to Columbia, and I worked for a drug cartel. Then, I went to college.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Flight Attendant Booty Call... First Sight
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I push my beverage cart by you again?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Pick-Up Lines, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Airport Security Guard Booty Call... Baggage
  • Wow, you have a lot of baggage. Do you need to unload on me?

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    Jokes about: Partying & Bad Behavior, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Arj Barker: Never Drive on Grass
  • I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

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    Jokes about: Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • John Mendoza: New York Crime
  • I was in New York over the weekend. The crime there is incredible. I was getting on the plane, I looked into the cockpit, and around the steering wheel, they had The Club.

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    Jokes about: Dark Humor, Police & Military, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Dwayne Perkins: Jaywalking Laws
  • Go to L.A. -- they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

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    Jokes about: Pop Culture & Celebrity, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Doug Benson: Hip Hop Sound Effects
  • I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car -- I still fall for it

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Dane Cook: In the Year 3000
  • In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Kevin Nealon: Beautiful Beach
  • I found this beautiful beach. It was right on the water.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Alaskan Lumberjack
  • A: He came back a husky f**ker.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • The Witty Truck Driver
  • A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Charlie Viracola: License Plate Number
  • Your cell phone number [should] be the same as your license plate number, so if you drive like a jackass, we can call you up.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Greg Fitzsimmons: Former Porn Star
  • I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Technology, Travel & Car

  • Cory Kahaney: Burned by MapQuest
  • How much does MapQuest suck? I got so burned by MapQuest. Last weekend, just for the hell of it, I typed in my address, 76th Street, and that I wanted to go to 77th Street. MapQuest told me to get on the Garden State Parkway.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Spaceman
  • What do you do when you see a spaceman?

    Park in it, man.

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    Jokes about: Travel & Car

  • Pete Holmes: Bad Part of Atlanta
  • Last show I had was in Atlanta. My travel agent made a mistake and booked me in a bad part of Atlanta -- called Atlanta.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • George Miller: Car Trouble
  • I always have car trouble. I had a 1979 Chrysler. Talk about underpowered -- I was driving, I pushed in the cigarette lighter, the car slowed down.

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Stevie Ray Fromstein: In the Hotel Room
  • I was in my hotel room today, middle of the afternoon. I was completely naked, and the maid walks in -- finally!

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Hari Kondabolu: Environment Issue Magazine
  • I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Wheelchair Driving
  • Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.

    As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STO

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • New Yorkers and Light Bulbs
  • Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: One. What are you -- stupid?

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    Jokes about: Travel & Car, Police & Military

  • Speed Demon
  • Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when a cop pulled them over.
    "You were going eighty!" the officer yelled. "Why so fast?"
    "We have a good reason," Lloyd explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good so we wanted to get there before

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Wanda Sykes: Airport Security Check
  • I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jeff Marder: Rush Hour
  • Why do they call it rush hour and your car just sits there?

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jimmy Shubert: The Transportation Security Administration
  • What does the TSA actually stand for, Take Scissors Away? Thousands Standing Around?

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    Jokes about: Men/Women, Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Ethnic Pick-Up
  • He replies "Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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    Jokes about: Travel & Car

  • This Baby Goes 100 Laughs Per Hour
  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a motorcycle?

    A Yamahahaha!

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    Jokes about: Travel & Car, Miscellaneous

  • The Wooden Car and Other Wastes
  • What happened to the wooden car?

    It wooden go!

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • JB Smoove: About Tennessee
  • I was down in Tennessee. Let me tell you right now about Tennessee. Your car breaks down in Tennessee? You have just moved to Tennessee.

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    Jokes about: Nationality, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Rodney Johnson: Racism in Omaha
  • It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down -- I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.

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    Jokes about: Blonde, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Blonde Rides Shotgun
  • The blonde turns around again. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup."

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    Jokes about: Nationality, News & Politics, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • John Caparulo: Traveling in Canada
  • I have never been so glad to be back in America, where people speak Spanish.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car

  • Jeff Marder: Samsonite Travel
  • If your last name is Samsonite, what do you put on your luggage?

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    Jokes about: Dirty, Men/Women, Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Vanessa Hollingshead: Middle East Performance
  • I just got back from the Middle East. I performed for 15,000 men -- and then I did my comedy.

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    Jokes about: Miscellaneous, Travel & Car, Work

  • Scott Kennedy: Working the Airport Gift Shop
  • You could be as rude as you want to be because people gotta go.

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