Best Valentines day funny jokes

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  • Q: What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl?
    A: Her-She Kisses.

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  • A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.
    As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.
    After careful consideration, he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
    Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves.
    His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
    The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
    The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
    The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
    "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
    These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely."
    I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
    When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
    Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me."

    Love, Cuddle Bear

    PS: The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

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  • Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?
    A: Stick with me and you'll go places.

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  • A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
    Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
    The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor.
    He added a card and proceeded home.
    After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
    She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
    With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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  • A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.
    They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
    He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
    Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge.
    She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
    As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed.
    Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg.
    He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
    He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
    "No, you don't understand!" she replies.
    "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

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  • Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
    The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?"
    Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'."
    The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you."
    Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."

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  • Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
    A: A valen-tiny!

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  • The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!

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  • "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
    "Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

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  • A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
    "What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?"
    "Well, I don't know" she answers shyly.
    "OK, that I give you another year to think about it…"

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