All the jokes - wife

  • A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me.
    After some moments I dared to ask her: "Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."
    The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."
    After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.
    Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?
    I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

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  • A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
    She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
    He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door in disgust.
    The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door again.
    Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
    The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
    The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
    question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    "Yes I do." says the lady.
    The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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  • A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
    He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
    The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

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  • A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
    “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
    “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
    I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

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  • A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
    Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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  • A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."

    Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
    She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
    Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
    Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
    "And so, here we are!"

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  • A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
    Man: What's the problem officer?
    Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
    Man: No sir, I was going 65.
    Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
    Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
    Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

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  • An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
    "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
    The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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  • The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
    “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
    Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
    “Why?”
    “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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  • Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
    One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
    His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
    A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
    His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
    "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
    His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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