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  • A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''She nodded. ''One more.''The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''
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  • What's the difference between a wife and a job?After ten years the job still sucks!
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  • Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant."Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct.""Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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  • A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch."S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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  • Yo' Mama is like McDonald's: over 90 billion served.
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    Yo' Mama

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  • Now, I'd like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I've been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he's on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp -- 'Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it's Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.'
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  • Yo' Mama is so stupid, when she got to the sex question on the job application, she wrote "not lately."
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    Yo' Mama

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